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The Rainbow of my Life
Colors. I love colors. They’re so……colorful. Great wording I know, but it’s the only way to describe them. I could say exuberant, beautiful, and ecstatic. But those would all be lies. Because not all colors are exuberant. Not all colors are even beautiful. But of course that’s just the way I see them. I don’t only see colors, I remember them. Every color has a different day to remember, a different, important event.
Lime Green- August 15, 2007: The day I met you. We were both at the park, you with your family and me babysitting my 5 year old cousin Annise. You had come up to me and said “Hey.” I was 12 years old and you had been 14. The only reason you had come to talk to me was because I was the only kid there that was not five years old. Your shirt was lime green; it automatically became my favorite color. The wind slightly ruffled your dark brown hair that was almost an inch long. I remember I had been so excited that someone like you, someone in the eighth grade, someone who was extremely popular and rich, would come talk to me. I instantly fell in love with you.
Orange-January 1, 2008: My first kiss, with a boy who wasn’t you. He was my next door neighbor. We had always been friends and I remember that night we decided that we both needed a New Years Kiss. I had been disappointed because it was not you. I was still madly in love with you, although you hadn’t said a word to me since that day in the park. I was happy though, as I kissed the boy while an orange firework popped overhead.
Dark Blue-May 25, 2008: The end of my first year in middle school. Your last day in middle school. I remember I was excited to be a seventh grader, finally. I had been waiting for it all year; I knew I would be higher up on the food chain. I celebrated with my class, but I really didn’t have any good friends to celebrate it with. I do remember that it hadn’t bothered me much then. The fact that you were leaving middle school for good and I wouldn’t see you for another two years crossed my mind, briefly. Just enough for me to feel just a little bit sorrowful.
Blood Red- July 10, 2008: My first menstrual cycle. I was extremely excited. I was finally a woman! Little did I know that I would soon grow to hate my period. At that time I was only thinking that I was finally growing up. I remember that was the first time I realized I actually had boobs. My mom got me flowers and told all of her friends. I was a little embarrassed after that, but not much.
Forest Green- December 26, 2008: The day my parents told me they were getting a divorce. Mom said it was because Daddy was a cheater. Dad said it was because Mommy was a b****. I was 13 and I knew what was happening, but all I could think about was the fact that we weren’t a happy family anymore. I remember that I had been so angry for destroying the happiness that I had gone upstairs to my room and threw away all of the brand new toys they had gotten me the day before. I did it because, well they were horrible toys, my parents didn’t know me at all, and it was the only way I knew how to express my anger at them. I didn’t talk to them for days. This was when I realized that I needed somebody; a friend whom I could talk to, cry to, yell at, and just have fun with. I needed somebody other than my dumb hamster Evelyn.
Turquoise- March 23, 2009: The day my favorite aunt and seven year old niece died. They had been hit by a drunk driver going 80 miles per hour and running a red light. I had been in shock, so I don’t remember much of what happened. I do remember that turquoise was the color of the nurse’s scrubs when she came out of my cousin’s hospital room to try and comfort me. It didn’t work. I couldn’t feel anything. I didn’t even cry at her funeral because I was still in shock. It was the first time in months that my parents were at the same place together. It was the first time in months I actually got to see my dad. He had been selfish enough to move out of state after the divorce, handing full custody of me to my mom. I remember that day’s afterwards I became so angry at God for taking away the life of a child so young. She hadn’t even gotten to live her life.
Tan- August 17, 2009: The day I got inducted into highschool. All of the upperclassmen decided it would be fun to soak all of the freshmen in ice cold water. It was exciting and fun. I was ecstatic to finally be out of middle school, even if I was at the bottom of the food chain. I remember you attacked me with a water gun, laughing at me as I stood freezing cold in a white shirt and tan bra. Your smile though, just made me want to laugh at myself and be completely at ease. I was also ecstatic that I got to see you again, after two years of barely thinking about you at all.
Purple- December 5, 2009: The winter dance with you as my date. I had been exuberant when you had asked me, practically jumping into your arms screaming yes. That night I had gone looking for a dress, which was actually very hard because it was two days before the dance and I am a short person with big boobs. Dresses didn’t fit right. It never occurred to you that my body was the only reason you had asked me. The night of the dance you picked me up in your car, which was a very beautiful Cadillac. You were 16 and had just gotten your license, which made my mom very nervous. My dress had been purple, and you had a purple tie to match. The night was perfect and we even had our first kiss after you dropped me off at home. It was a night of pure bliss, something good after many months of evil.
Pink- February 2, 2010: The day I met Daniel. We were both trying out for the school play and she was wearing a bright pink wig. When I first saw her and talked to her I thought she was an extremely strange person. I was right, but after about five minutes of talking she had me laughing so hard I was crying. We instantly clicked and after that she became my best friend. I told her everything about my life and she told me about hers. I told her how I felt about you. She said I was being naïve, but didn’t insist that you were a horrible person. I wish she had.
Gray- July 27, 2010: The night I lost my virginity. It had been in the back of your car. Not very romantic, I know, but I had thought that it wouldn’t really matter. I loved you so much and I thought you loved me equally as much. I gave myself up to at when I was only 15. I thought that after we did it we would be so much closer and you would love me more. I remember I was scared when you had brought it up before. But after days of convincing myself it was the right thing to do, I was the one who suggested it that night. Later that night, though, after I was home and all in bed, I remember crying. In my mind I had thought that we were closer now, that you loved me still. In my heart though, somewhere deep down, I knew I’d just lost more than my virginity. The tears stained my gray t-shirt I wore to bed that night so much so that in the morning I ripped that shirt to shreds.
Brown- April 20, 2011: The day I caught you cheating on me with Daniel. My boyfriend and my best friend. I guess I should have figured. Daniel was beautiful, funny, and probably way better in bed than I was. I found you in her bed when I went over to give her shirt back. I remember seeing your jeans with the brown belt and your shirt littering the floor before I ran out of the room with tears streaming down my face. Of all the things I’d been through in my life I didn’t know how either one of you could betray me the way you did. I had loved both of you, in different ways, and you’d both broken my heart. I remember thinking it was all my fault; that I was the one to blame for your sins. That I should have stopped trusting people the day my father walked away. That night I wished I could die just to get away from the pain of having my heart shattered into a million pieces.
Black- May 13, 2011: The day I learned I had cancer and you weren’t there to hold my hand. It was Friday the thirteenth, less than a month from the day you betrayed me. It was the worst day of my life. I still hadn’t been able to go to bed at night without crying myself to sleep. I wasn’t even able to look you in the eyes. And more pain came. It just kept coming. I couldn’t figure out why God would punish me so. What had I done that was so horrible to deserve a life riddled with pain and broken hearts? I remember my mom crying the second we got the results and calling my father. My father who couldn’t answer his phone because he was out of the country on his honeymoon with his new wife. My father who didn’t even care. I even tried calling you, but you didn’t answer, and that’s when I realized nobody besides my mother actually cared about me. Nobody.
White- December 25, 2011: The day I realized I was going to die. I didn’t cry. I didn’t scream. I only felt just a little sorrowful. In truth I was kind of relieved, happy almost, that I didn’t have to go through any more pain, any more chemo. I didn’t have to drag my mother, who had stood by me all these years, through my pain and desperation. I felt sorrowful because I was the only thing my mother had. I felt sorrowful because I wouldn’t get to see the world. I had found peace though. Peace with myself and with God. I’ve forgiven you. I’ve forgiven my dad. I finally understand that pain is a learning process. It creates feeling you thought would never be possible. It creates love when there is only desperation. It creates strength where there is only weakness. I learned that you cannot love without hate, and you cannot be happy without pain. I loved you so much. I was utterly and truly happy with you. I only hope that you are able to find the same love and happiness that you have given me.