when a dream comes true

April 13, 2011
He sits there and stares at me with his beautiful warm sapphires that god dares to call eyes, with what looks like carelessness on the outside, but i see past his charade into his intricately crafted "soul" as he would call it. I see compassion, intrigue, and a painful past that he tries so hard to forget.I want to talk to him but I'm not worthy of his words.I sit there and wonder what he would do if I could build up my courage and my voice just to say "hi". BRRRIIIIIINNNNNNGGGGG! the bell screams in my ear as an attempt to bring me back to what the world feebly calls reality. As my bus pulls to a stop i notice that there is something different about my house..... no one is home and the door is locked, and a letter is jammed under my door. as i go through the back door i grab the letter and look at who it is addressed to... my heart skipped a beat, it was for me. "xaliannia Roberts" and it was in his hand writing. Just as i go to open the letter there is a light knock on the door, when i open it i see him standing at my door, soaked... i didn't even notice that it had began to storm outside. He asked me if he could come inside and I said yes. no doubt i would say yes.When he comes in, He sees the the letter in my hand he asks me if i read it yet, and i say no. Before i knew what was going on, he took the letter out of my hand and started to read it. When he finished reading the letter, he took my hand and told me that he liked me, i told him i liked him too. He asked me out, and i said yes. no doubt i would say yes.Finally my prince charming had finally come for me!! Me and my Emmet walk down the hallways and people stare, but we are too busy admiring each other to notice.When the other girls ask him out he says he already has a girlfriend and he doesn't want any other girl. ZZZZZt. ZZZZt. ZZZZt. I'm woke up by my alarm clock to see it was only a dream, but when i walk to first period, i see him sitting there at my table for a lab and greets me with a "hey beautiful". finally my dream came true.

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Hover This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 20, 2011 at 12:05 pm

Wow this was really good! The best part was your descriptions: "his beautiful warm sapphires that god dares to call eyes" was my favorite!

Something you can work on is the tense of your verbs. Part of the story is past tense and the other part is furture tense. Also, the capitalization needs some work (like at the beginning of sentences, and "I").

But altogether, I thought ti was really good!

P.S. Would you mind checking out some of my work? :)

shortstack11 replied...
Apr. 21, 2011 at 9:33 am
thank you i really appreaciate your comment and id love to check out some of your work!! =]]]]]
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