Broken Forever

March 28, 2011
I’m the second oldest of six. I have a mom, dad, older sister, three younger brothers and a younger sister. My older sister has a different mom than me; two boys have a different mom but not the same as her. My other brother and younger sister have a different dad. I feel like I don’t belong.
My mom and dad both had a divorce two years ago. And now there back together. It was my wish from the time I was four, for them to get back together. Now I hate it.
From the time since I can remember, my life has been a mess. When I was four, my mom married my step dad. He was always nice to me. Paid more attention to me that my real dad has. Even when I hated him, he was always willing to talk to me.
My mom never really spent time with me. When I went to her house every other weekend, she would always be playing World of Warcraft, or working, or talking on the phone. Whenever I would try to spend time with her, she would say “play with you brother and sister, they haven’t seen you in two weeks.” I would turn around and go to see them… but hiding my tears from everyone to see. With the little time I spent there, my time with her is little to none.
My dad married the step-monster when I was seven or eight. Even though I lived with him I hardly ever saw him. He worked nights and the step-monster would take him away when he had time off. The time I spent with him was rarer then the time I spent with my mom. My older sister was the one that protected me. She was my best friend. The step-monster tried to beat me for discipline so my sister would lock me and herself in our room and we would stay in there for hours.
Slowly I had come to the point where I couldn’t take living with it anymore. Around Christmas time of 2008 I moved in with my mom, starting a new school, new friends and a chance for a new life. Things were getting better, I had better grades and was able to get out of the house more. Months later my dad had a divorce with the step-monster, I was more than happy to say the least. Not long after my mom and step dad had divorced. My childhood wish came true.
Not too far into my 8th grade year mom moved in with my dad. I moved back to my old school. It was fun at first… nothing changed too much.
But as the months had passed, the house rules tweaked, life had changed more than I expected it too. Unlike what I was used too, mom started paying more attention to everyone, even so… we never spend time together. She never takes time to sit and talk with me, Dad, now working the day shift, still never takes the time to get to know me.
Even with all the change, I still feel like the helpless little girl trapped in my room so the monster won’t hurt me. Even if they try to have family time, I’m still the one that’s left behind for the wolfs to eat.
I’m never going to get any closer, or have any chance to see what its like to spend some alone time with my parents.
I’ll never be the baby bird that learns how to spread her wings to fly.
I’m pathetic,
A coward afraid of herself,
Afraid of anything that can and will hurt me.
The star that will never shine.
The wish that was never made.
A lost dream.
Broken forever…

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datrumpeter said...
Apr. 5, 2011 at 5:13 pm
this is insanely good. it hits right home how lost you can feel even in your own home. good work, keep it up!
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