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Gone Baby, Gone
She deserved it.”
Those three words kept running through my head, spinning out of control, making me want to vomit. To hurt someone. Him, especially. I know it may only seem like three stupid little words, but when you put them together into one, they slice in deeper than any knife could, leaving scars on your heart and mind that not even a single band-aid can heal. You’ll thank me for this some day. And I know deep down, I have. Only because I don’t have to look you in the eye everyday and see that monster I saw in you the night you ruined mom.
Smash. Scream. Yelling. I woke up to those sudden noises, feeling myself jump through the skin. This had happened before, but I’d never heard her scream so loud, tense. Sure they both fought, but hate rose in his voice like lava rising from the top of a volcano. I knew something was going to happen. I just knew it.
I removed the covers and rubbed my eyes, but realized they were already wide open like an owls. My heart was pumping fast, legs shaking. It was unbelievably hot. I turned my head to the left, and was relieved when I saw Bella’s breathing was even. She was sound asleep. I looked closely and admired her. Her toes and hands were unbelievably perfect. Hair thin and crisp. Cheeks as red as cherries. I almost wanted to cry. How could he make something so perfect, intricate? Why him? When you look her in the eyes all you see is wonder. Not the monster I see in him every single morning, day, and night.
I slowly creaked open the door and tiptoed out of the room. The yelling I could tell was coming from downstairs in their room. Then, my heart ripped clear out of my chest. Someone was running up the stairs.
A mad rampage from a late night out? Was he drinking again? Was it my mother, running to come and get us, take us somewhere where he couldn’t hurt anyone?
To my relief, it was my mother.
“Get your sister,” was the first thing she said to me. She ran into my brothers room to wake them. I can’t describe the feeling I had when I heard his own big, heavy footsteps pound up the stairs. He stopped me dead in his tracks, the strong, bitter smell of alcohol on his breath. I looked him straight in the eye, my legs like jello.
He shoved me aside, and went into the kitchen, acting like everything was perfectly normal. But I knew he would snap. Any minute now…
I had almost forgotten about Bella. I dashed into my room and turned on the light. It was so bright I could barely keep my eyes open. I quickly ran to Bella’s crib, picked her up gently, making sure not to wake her. But it was too late. Her bright blue eyes were big with wonder, and she was soaking her hands with saliva. I hastily grabbed her diaper bag and put a warm sweater over her shoulders. I then tiptoed out my bedroom door towards the top of the stairs, hearing my mom and the monster quarrel even more in the kitchen. My brothers were already waiting at the bottom of the stairs, their expressions terrified.
“Is mommy coming with us?” I remember Luke, my youngest brother ask.
“Of course she is,” I replied, “just as soon as she puts dad to sleep.
I shoved them out the door, hearing the yelling more faint, distant as we walked across the lawn to the van. To my surprise, Bella wasn’t crying. In fact, she was fast asleep again in my arms, heart beating steadily against my chest. I didn’t want to let her go, but I had to go get mom. Everyone was strapped in their seats. Car started.
“I’ll be RIGHT back,” I said, heading towards the house.
I stopped at the door, not opening it. I saw my mom at the top of the stairs, face to face with my “dad”.
“We’re leaving for the night, and you’ll be lucky if we come back!” I heard my mother shout. I just KNEW something was about to happen…
My mom slowly walked towards the stairs, my heart beating 34754389702 times faster than it normally does. She had made it down the stairs, and was just reaching out her hand to open the door…
Then I saw him, his eyes wide, movement quick. Everything inside of me crashed, snapped, broke in two when I heard my mom’s face smack against the glass door. I knew right then, I had completely snapped, lost myself, dug a hole deeper than my own grave should have been.
I swung open the door, and before I knew it, I was yelling in his face, screaming, cussing, spitting, shoving, hitting smacking him with everything I had. My anger rose higher and higher and it had reached it’s peak.
“Don’t touch her, don’t touch her ever, ever, ever! Never, never!”
I found myself repeating the same things over and over,
“I hate you!”
He didn’t touch me, fight back. His look was insane. As I looked up, I saw a smile take up his entire face.
“She deserved it,” he said, cold as ice.
“I hate you,” I whispered, tears streaming down my face, looking him straight in the eye.
He proceeded up the stairs, not even looking back. I let the bright lights and sirens engulf me, take me away. In just a blink of an eye, he was gone, taken away from my life like it was nothing. I should've been sad, should've felt some remorse that I was never going to let him back into my life. But I didn't.
My mother came up to me and embraced me with everything she had. I felt the electricity in her veins, the love we'd always share. She stroked my hair and whispered the four words I'll always remember, “he's gone, baby.. gone”