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The Head Cycle
I am sitting in a classroom. Everyone stares into space. I am looking at the plain four walls as they describe my life, the white walls making me bored as hell, not knowing what to do. What am I going to do with my life? I could do what my biological family did and sell drugs. I f***ing hate the fact that I could easily turn into my mom and dad, which sucks cause I want something better for my life. As I sit in school not listening, the bell rings. Another boring period I had to endure has ended. Before I get up out of my seat, the teacher stops me. “ I need to talk to you about your grades,” she says. She looks at my face as she reads the sign of “I don’t give a flying s***.” She says, “Never mind,” and lets me go on with the rest of my disappointing life. I walked the halls as if I am dead, like I have lost myself and can’t find or get back to when I was happy, as if no one can see. I mean this has really hit me.
The question just keeps coming back into my head, and everything I see has some kind of way of asking me: What the hell am I going to do with my life after high school? I make it to my next class, not so disappointed anymore because the teacher is damn sexy. Hey, think what you want. I’m eighteen, so its legal and I know I would rock her world. But even in the class I like the most I become very quiet and sad because I’m starting to see that I can’t really see if I have a future or not. You know what’s funny is that my mom always tells me that God has a plan for me. Now I know you’re thinking, OMG this boy doesn’t believe in God. Well, if you think that, you’re a dumb a** for reading this story. I do believe that He is there, but when I need him the most, where is he? I mean, I need him now cause I am so lost right now. I don’t know what he wants me to do with my life. I don’t even know what I want to do with my own life. Now I know GOD gives us a choice to do what we want with our lives, but right now, I wish he didn’t cause I need help more than anyone right now cause I don’t want to die not knowing what God wants for me because I love my life sometimes. Now I don’t want you to read this and feel bad for me cause that’s not why I’m writing this. I am simply just sending a message out there to people that think, “Oh I know where I’m going, and think they have their whole planned out.” Just know when you really look at your life, its going to f***ing suck at points you can’t even imagine yet. Back to me. I know I got off topic. This isn’t a story that’s supposed to flow because it’s the truth, which some people aren’t used to.
I left off in the classroom; I think that’s right. Picture yourself in class, just you and the teacher. No one else but you and her. She is talking, but you’re not listening because your mind is somewhere else. See, this is where people are not honest with themselves because I know we all have that moment when we just don’t want to be alive. Let’s get out of the classroom. Let’s go to the next period, math. Now math is fine because the teacher just talks and talks and talks. When a person says the same thing over and over again there is really no listening I have to do. I sit and think to myself, can I be a teacher? I tell myself the truth, “HELL NO,” because I can’t deal with other people’s problems if I can’t deal with my own. While I’m in math class, I just sit there thinking to myself, looking and analyzing these kids, my peers. I’m just thinking, why the hell are they so happy and I’m not? What the hell can be going so well in their lives that are not going on in mine? Whatever, let’s get to the point. In school I hate life more than ever because I look at some of my peers knowing that one day I’m either going be working for them or asking them for money. I hate being in school because it makes me think about where I’m going and how the hell I’m going to get there and to be honest I don’t know.
I know this not the kind of story that you as a reader would like to read, but this is my life and some other peoples’. I’m just going to be their voice. I know you see those kids that just walk around like they are by themselves. Well, they are not because I’m just like them. I’m just going to speak up this time because myself am tiring me of being alone and because sometimes I just want to die because I think there is nothing to live for anymore.
See most people think my problem started at home and I was just raised wrong, which is not the case. My mom loves me. Let me give you a taste of what goes on at home with my family and me:
The son wakes up and the mom says, “ Good morning, Son. How was your sleep?”
Mom continues with, “I made breakfast and I hope you’re hungry because I made a load for you this morning.” The son says, “Thanks Mom. I’ll be right there.”
See, I live with a lovely woman, but I don’t think I told you, I was adopted. My mother thinks I should lift a finger.
Here, let me tell you my story.
See when I was born my mother was high on crack, Yes, crack, But that is not the point. She had me. I lived with her until I was seven. So living with a crack head for a mother, you get to see a lot of things like all the drugs, the sex, everything that someone that age isn’t supposed to see. My mother left me in an abandoned house. She told me she would be back, but she never came back. She lied to me. At seven years old, what else are you going to do but wait for your mother to come back? So, I did what I was told and that was to wait for her in that house.
One day the owner came to the house to get it fixed up, and he saw me in the corner just sitting there. He came and got me. I didn’t say a word, so he took me to the police station, and they gave me to the system. I was adopted seven times, meaning seven different foster homes. I moved from house to house before the wonderful lady got me. But I know you’re wondering where is this boy’s dad? He’s in jail, f***ing coward. He left my mother and me and went to have ten more kids. Yes, I have a lot of brothers and sisters.
Can all this depression be coming from my past, not wanting to end up like them, maybe? To be honest, I don’t know or really care. I have a burning hate for my real parents. I mean I don’t have a f***ing dad. I taught myself how to play sports. I taught myself how to tie a tie. I taught myself the things that a dad is supposed 6 to teach his son. Maybe this is where all my burning hate comes from. I’m starting to think so. Maybe it’s my mom because every time I hear her name I think about how people used to call me a crack baby. This really makes me hate the people that have kids and they know they messed up their kid’s life. I hate the fact that I have no real mom or dad. When kids around me say, “Oh Terry, how’s your day going”? I have to sit there in silence.
I’m starting to see why I'm so messed up now. It is because of the bull crap my real parents put me through. If I ever see them both, I might kill them because they are already dead to me, just like my soul.
No, I’m not crazy. I just have filled my heart with hate for the both of them, and for everyone that says they love me. That’s why I treat people with hate for no reason.
This is a story I wrote to get everything out in the open. People need to know that just because I show no feelings and emotion, I still have them. I’m writing to get everything off my chess because where my biological parents are dead to me their sprits overwhelm me because im still apart of them. I’ve writing to show that you could be that person that saves that kids life that you see walking the halls all alone looking suicidal.
I feel that the person that reads this will not understand the struggle that I am going through because they probably had both parents and had a loving life. I know that I sad in the beginning that I was over it but after you read this I bet you can tell that I am not because im still hurting and I don’t want to hurt anymore.
I would like to end by saying that im not looking for someone to feel sorry for me or anything this story is not for the people that want to help me out this story is for the kids that are just like me that feel that they are alone and have no one to run to. I just want to say your not alone and sometimes you just got let go and let God.