Mahayla's Meadow

December 8, 2010
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I am lost. Behind the sandstorms in the desert, behind the crashing waves of Hawaii. Behind the rain pouring down, behind the snowstorm, behind the world. I search for adventure and become lost behind it. I am lost behind a curtain of insecurities. The world is my curtain and I bundle inside its core looking for something more but never venturing out. I look through the stained glass windows of Notre Dame, looking for a way to escape my crying soul. I look through the world only to find a world of problems larger than mine. Incredibly, I still look for my answer. I watch the joys in life though. I see the smiles of children who aren’t capable of understanding the real problems of the world. They just know the now, they don’t wait for tomorrow to be something better.
I peek through the holes of the Great Wall, watching for something to happen but nothing but disappointment leaks through to my heart. I look for the smile that will make everything ok, why isn’t it there? Why am I waiting here? These towers don’t do anything but remind me of the ones that I have trapped out of my heart. They scream and scream to come in, they begin dismembering the Great Wall of my heart, I almost let them in. What went wrong? They stopped trying. I rebuild the wall, disappointed and discouraged. As soon as I put my heart on the line, when I wear it on my sleeve, I become disappointed. Why am I letting myself be disappointed? When can I actually allow myself to be happy? Never, the world surrounds me with empty promises and lost love. I am trapped inside the hot core of the earth that I have managed to make icy from all of the depressing thoughts. I warm my hands by the small fire I have left, desperately clinging to the warmth.

I stand on Everest, seeing what happiness there is left in the world, I am there, watching the sunset and ultimate peace around me. I feel so close to bliss. Wonderful bliss, touch my lips, run through my hair. Just for a second, let me feel what it feels like to be free. Free of the problems of this world. I sit there waiting for it, patiently, to shed its wisdom upon me.

I sit in my frozen soul, searching for a way out. I look for the nearest escape. Help! I scream. Help me! Take me out of this wretched place! Get rid of my thoughts! I thought I would be saved one day! Help me out! I scream over and over! No one hears me? I’ve trapped myself in a world of longing, a world of diminished hope. Sad and alone, I sit in the darkness waiting for something. I close my eyes and think of somewhere better. A girl in a white dress, a smile sneaking across her face, sat in a field of wildflowers. The girl so young, she couldn’t think of a better way to spend her afternoon. Lying there in the sun, she didn’t worry about the grass stain that her mother would yell at her for. I sit there thinking about this cold place that I trapped myself in after years of unhappiness. How come I can’t be just like her? My eyes still closed, I see my way out. I think more about this peaceful place. I think so hard that eventually, I feel the warmth actually on my skin, I see the sun through my closed eyes. I feel a poke, poke, poking at my foot. I open my eyes and I’m there. I’m lying in a field of wildflowers with the girl that I saw. She is smiling at me. It is my best friend as a child. I was back to being five, Mahayla and I wore matching dresses and we played the games we used to play. The iciness in my soul disappeared; I was living in the simplicity of life again. I stayed there for a while. I fell in love with the warm meadow. I fell in love with time standing still. I go back to visit her a lot. We play hide and go seek, and ring around the rosy, and we play games that we make up. She never leaves that meadow, she has to stay there she says. I ask why, she simply says, “You can come and go as you please, for you are no longer a memory, I am stuck in the image that you made me into, I live somewhere else now as a teenager but you don’t know me. But I stay here in this meadow just for you. I’m not able to leave unless you allow me too. I am a memory, I can stay if you want. I would love to stay, I love to play here! But I know as you get older you will move on to a different place. Do me a favor, never go back to the dark place ok?” I listened to her and thought for a minute, but I as a young child I couldn’t comprehend everything she had said, so we started to play another game.

Mahayla’s meadow is a place I visit every now and then, but I have ventured to other places in my heart. She never blamed me for leaving, mainly because I never left. I will always have that waiting for me, that memory.





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