And the World went Still

November 8, 2010
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I wish I could fall. Down, down, down into the complete oblivion. Then maybe for once my brain would stop thinking, my head would stop hurting, and I could rest for all of eternity. That’s what I want.

I try to think of something to live for, and nothing comes to mind. Tomorrow will be just like today, and so on and so forth. Christmas isn’t special because there’s no one to share it with. So maybe I should just go to sleep and wake up in three years. Maybe when I’m considered an adult by the omnipotent THEY I will have a better life. At least, that’s what happens in the movies.

It must be nice to be perfect. Perfect hair, perfect nails, perfect skin, perfect body shapes. All the things I can’t see in the reflection I spend hours glaring at. Perfect people don’t have to give everything to be loved; they’re loved the moment they enter the room. Everyone tells me that in five years, guys won’t care about all of that. Guys will actually want someone like me. I bet it’s all bogus.

Something inside me flutters with hope. Five years from now, when the stars have aligned and the universe is in favor with me, he will see that perfect is boring. He will see that I’m this amazing person; someone he missed out on. Because five years from now, I will have an amazing boyfriend who loves me and only me and sees the person I’ve always been. Stupid imagination.

So I can’t end everything. I need to know what happens in this great story of a life. Does the girl get the guy? Do they live happily ever after? Someone has stolen the last 500 pages of my life and won’t give them back. I have to wait.

Maybe the overdose is sweet and slow. The heart beats so fast, it explodes. And then there is nothing. Sweet, sweet nothingness. For once my whole body will sit there, motionless. There must be one or two seconds where I slip into the great beyond. I will say my prayers and ask for forgiveness. Maybe God will understand.

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