I hate this feeling. This feeling that I am a very bad person. I know I shouldn’t be feeling this way because everyone has flaws but for some reason I expected better of myself. I am so disappointed in me that I can forgive anything to anyone today, no matter what wrong they do. As you can tell I have some expectations of myself and I expect myself to fulfill them. No, its nothing too big like becoming the President or saving the world, which is some people’s dictionary means the same thing. I don’t know why I am writing this but I just realized that I am trapped. I am trapped in a trap that I set out for anyone but myself. Its funny how I ended up in it myself, isn’t it? I didn’t expect myself too and that’s where I made the common, detestable flaw of being overconfident. That never happened to me before. I made sure it didn’t because, forgive me if I sound superstitious, but bad things do happen to people who jinx things like fate and outcomes aren’t made in stone as much as we believe or want to believe they are. I looked up from my coffee towards the night and it felt eerily silent. Like something had happened without me knowing that I should know that I should find out but I my weariness had reached a level beyond which my body didn’t want to function anymore. Nothing has prepared me for this. My motto was to fulfill all the expectations, but I didn’t expect my body to give up on me. The one thing I took for granted was my greatest supporter. I abused it beyond endurance and now I am without the one thing that I always thought I could count on. Apart from the weary shock that was quickly fading, I really didn’t feel anything else. I just added this failure to the many that were already there.
November 9, 2010