I want to Kill Him (Part 1)

September 27, 2010
Have you ever hated yourself, literally? I have, well not have, I always hate myself. My life is just filled with drama that never ends. It will only end, if I die, I can't believe death is going through my mind right now, but I'm sick and tired of drama right now. I have a hard life, my life is rough, its confusing, and its filled with so many downs, that I can't even get up anymore. Life? What is life, if you can't live a single day of life normally, something bad always happens, I can never be a normal kid, girl, teen. I can't be like everyone else. I don't think that I have had one day of a normal life. I always make mistakes that’s why I hate it so much.

Artur, I hate you. Oh I really do, we were best friends for 3 years, and you use me like that. How could you. Remember the old days when we used to “Hang”, when you would ask me out and I would always reject you? Remember? Huh, I remember perfectly. You were a good guy back then, but of course some good guy like you, had to change. I remember when you cared for me, but now you always talking crap about me. I can't believe I invited you to my grandmothers house, did something stupid with you, and let you out. I shouldn’t killed you, I should of hurt you, before that mouth of yours spread everything, but now everything I did with you got out, now the guy Avo, that I'm in love with, doesn't want to hear a peep out of my mouth. Its your fault, no wait its mine. Its both our faults. I can't believe myself.

I wish Avo can just hear me out. Oh yes I know what I'll do I'll lie, tell him it was by force, tell him I didn't want to do what I did, maybe he'll forgive me and wipe the slate clean. I should lie, but will he see the truth by looking in my eyes. I don't think so, I'm a very good liar. Deny everthing, and kill Artur. Yes I will kill him, an urge inside of me is making me crazy, I want to kill him, and keep his flesh, right next to my bed, and he wont speak a word of what I did. Not anymore, he wont embariss me. He won't have anything to do with me, he'll be done.

Now its time to answer to the text Avo left me, I still haven't replied to. The text read “Ani I hate being lied to, why would you do that to me, you said, your were helping your grandma out, why was Artur there.”

I replied, “Avo I invited Artur because, we needed to fix a problem we had, he forced me to it, put my head between his knees, Avo believe me, please. I promise you, it wasn't me. Baby please forgive me.”

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