Mission Failed

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Glitters is gold, Led Zeppelin once wisely told me. But they didn't tell me the rest of the story.

What's wisdom-silver? And what's beauty-diamonds? What about, say, laughter? Is that emeralds? I wish I knew, because I'd be a freaking treasure box if I could be, if it meant he'd love me.

I'm okay I guess. I'm not hideous, but I ain't Megan Fox. Blond hair in a cute haircut, okay smile with no braces, big and dark brown eyes. But I was short, and a little overweight. “Screw her!” they think. Unless you're a size 5, you fail at life! You're not pretty, no, you're an ugly b***h! You're too fat to be pretty!

I guess I understand why they say that. I mean, look at my ex best friend.

She is gorgeous. Hispanic, tan, skinny, has boobs and an okay a**. What am I compared to that?

She's a flirt. She doesn't work her way to success, she looks good and flirts, and manages to be in classes smarter than me. She's a natural beauty, which makes her more sexy I guess. But who cares? It's not like I ever wanted to impress a guy, it's not like I wanted to date him, too. So screw it, I'll be a loner.

But it's not just that. She's smarter than me. All the flirting and all those boyfriends and she's in BETTER CLASSES THAN ME?! What the heck? But whatever screw it! I have no aspirations in life anyway! It's not like I wanted to be the one person in my whole freaking family that had a great life and reached all their goals and dreams. It's not like I care at all! Just screw me I'll work at Wal-Mart and receive minimum wage my whole life, and find some jerk husband who beats me! I have no dreams anyway! Not like I wanna be a marine biologist. Not like I want an amazing husband. Whatever, she can have it all.

So yeah she's a Hollister model who can flirt. But why just go for her? What about the cute blond with the brown eyes? Did you think she has a personality? Did you think she's pretty at all?

She laughs easily, and she can be really sweet. She just wants to be held, and sometimes she has those days where she's impossible to deal with, but the happiness she can give you any other time has to be worth something. The way she looks at you, with such love in her eyes? Doesn't it make your heart melt? The way she puts her head on your chest when your arm is around her? Can't you feel the love she has for you? Why do you need some sexy Hispanic flirt? Aren't you happy with your little blond lover?

Yes she's loud, yeah she can be mean, yeah she gets confused sometimes... But isn't there anything you see good in her? Is there any beauty at all?

So yeah, she plays basketball and lacrosse and soccer. I play basketball, and I write and act and stuff. Is there anything sexy about that?

She has expensive little shi-tzus. I have a cat that got abandoned. She has both parents. I live with my grandparents-my mom ditched me and my dad's been sober for four years at least. So what? Who cares if I'm not perfect? I didn't think that's what love and success was all about!

But.. Something she's never had is real love. Real success. I don't get guys often, but when I do, they fall hard. They actually love me for me, not for my a**. Yeah, they like my a**, they think I'm pretty, but when they kiss me-they mean it as a real act of love. They love me, truly love me. Can she say that about any of her millions of boyfriends?

I have real success. That writing contest I got an honorable mention in? That was all me, no one else. My grandparents didn't really even realize I entered. Much less did they help me. I never ask for homework help, ever. I dunno if she does, but my success is earned. So what if I never get recognized for it? It's not like I want scholarship money, it's not like I wanna go to college!

It seems like, no matter what I think is amazing about me, it's only half as amazing compared to the same quality in her.

No matter how hard I try, I just will never be better.

But it's okay-I never had any dreams anyway.





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