Parentnapped! -Chapter 1. The Room of Hostility

July 7, 2010
By Mamonde PLATINUM, Seoul, Other
Mamonde PLATINUM, Seoul, Other
20 articles 0 photos 17 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Oh, I'm crazy to the bone."

A ghastly chill stormed around the parlor. So did an awkward silence. I shivered. Goosebumps rose on my arms like unknowable codes of Braille. Everything was dead quiet, until she broke the ice.

“So… Where shall we go this weekend? You know, like for a ‘family bonding time’?” She simpered. “Anywhere in mind?”

For the millionth time I thought, ‘You are not family.’

“I’d like to just stay home, Louise. I don’t wa- Er, I have a lot of homework to do.”

A lot of homework was just a mere lie, of course.

“Oh, but Velma dearie…” Louise batted her fake eyelashes and pouted. “Family is more important than homework or grades, don’t you think so too?” And it’ll be a nice time for us to connect with each other… Hmm?”

She got my name wrong after countless attempts of correction.

“Yes, but-”

“I do insist on it, dear.”


I was interrupted again, by my father. The man with the gray-brown goatee and stern face.

“Let’s not make a big fuss about it, Velva. You can always do your homework after the trip, right?” He stroked his beloved goatee.

There was no arguing against my father. Failure would always be the ultimate result. What good would it be trying to argue against a lawyer?

“I guess so.” I mumbled, trying to look somewhere other than the disturbing chin. The stiff back of the chair pushed my back straight very uncomfortably.

Then there was stillness again. It penetrated through my spine and made me shudder. I got out of the seat, straining to not make it drag noisily on the floor.

“Yes, I presume you should be going off to bed.” My father commented with a dull tone.

I sighed in relief of escaping the room of hostility. Having to see my father’s girlfriend, or whatever she must be, and her failure of a nose job was enough for one sitting. The rope ladder to my attic dangled down, inviting me in. I climbed my way up and flung down on the bed, pulling the covers over my head.

“Stupid Louise… Stupid nose job… Stupid… Stupid… Stupid…”

I murmured over and over again, in a trance, until I put myself to sleep.

The author's comments:
I started writing this after my parents' divorce... although I'm still not sure if it will have anything to do with it.

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This article has 10 comments.

AsIAm PLATINUM said...
on Sep. 16 2010 at 6:16 pm
AsIAm PLATINUM, Somewhere, North Carolina
48 articles 3 photos 608 comments

Favorite Quote:
"According to some, heroic deaths are admirable things. (Generally those who don't have to do it. Politicians and writers spring to mind.) I've never been convinced by this argument, mainly because, no matter how cool, stylish, composed, unflappable, manly, or defiant you are, at the end of the day you're also dead. Which is a little too permanent for my liking." — Jonathan Stroud (Ptolemy's Gate)

The good: I liked this a lot!  You had a good amount of detail, and I enjoyed the random details to make it real, as well as the character's thoughts.

The bad:  It's a little weird for a silence - even an awkward one - to storm around the room, don't you think? :)

The random: My grampa's a lawyer.  Your character is right - there really is no arguing with one.

on Aug. 24 2010 at 11:03 am
NeverCaredForKool-Aid GOLD, Elkridge, Maryland
13 articles 0 photos 531 comments

Favorite Quote:
I don't believe in hell but I believe in my parent's couch-- Watsky

Ha- loved how you ended the chapter.  This was very well written but the story line was too similar to parent trap to be very original

on Jul. 30 2010 at 8:56 am
SecretNonConformist SILVER, Marblehead, Massachusetts
6 articles 0 photos 195 comments

Favorite Quote:
The only thing necessary for the triumph of
evil is for good men to do nothing."
-Edmund Burke

"Bless the children, give them triumph, now!"
Aeschylus, The Libation Bearers

All in all, this was a very good story. It could be a tad smoother but only a tad. Very, very, realistic. The anger and bitterness of Velma was very controlled and not overwritten. All of the characters seemed very real.

We-R-3 BRONZE said...
on Jul. 29 2010 at 11:22 pm
We-R-3 BRONZE, Orlando, Florida
1 article 0 photos 344 comments

Favorite Quote:
A picture is worth a thousand words, however it takes a real artist to turn words into pictures.

Have you heard about the new Lebron Iphone, you have to set it on vibrate because it doesn't have any rings

One of the dangerous things about making a story dialouge based is that it is harder to visualize what is happening, it is like listening to two people talk about a random thing when you are right outside there door.

on Jul. 29 2010 at 9:50 pm
Mamonde PLATINUM, Seoul, Other
20 articles 0 photos 17 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Oh, I'm crazy to the bone."

Haha.. I guess so. I think it was because of Velva's dad. I tried to make him sound strict and hard and stiff but I guess it made hime sound unnatural.

on Jul. 29 2010 at 9:49 pm
Mamonde PLATINUM, Seoul, Other
20 articles 0 photos 17 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Oh, I'm crazy to the bone."

:) Nose job :))

on Jul. 28 2010 at 4:15 pm
yellowflower SILVER, Basking Ridge, New Jersey
8 articles 0 photos 47 comments
very good! i like how you used figurative language throught the piece. but i also agree with cantfindascreename, at times it was a little bit unnatural for me at least. Overall good!!

on Jul. 28 2010 at 1:33 pm
wild-free BRONZE, Billerica, Massachusetts
3 articles 0 photos 52 comments

Favorite Quote:
"All good things are wild and free." - Henry David Thoreau

"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live." - Albus Dumbledore

I liked this! The topic is easy to relate to. I know of many people who have had parents split up then go on to hate the new girlfriend/boyfriend. The piece is well written and easily grabs the attention of the reader, but I agree with cantfindascreename, the dialogue is a bit unnatural at times. Overall it is very good!

on Jul. 28 2010 at 1:26 am
cantfindascreename BRONZE, Chino Hills, California
1 article 0 photos 28 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in service to others"

I liked it(: I think the dialogue didn't sound all that natural at times, but that is just depending on the reader I suppose! Great job!

on Jul. 27 2010 at 11:07 pm
OfficialApprover PLATINUM, Orefield, Pennsylvania
48 articles 0 photos 1754 comments

Favorite Quote:
Grab life by the balls. -Slobberknocker
We cannot change the cards we're dealt just how we play the hand
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted
It's pretty easy to be smart when you're parroting smart people
-Randy Pausch

Haha I really liked this!  Very realistic and good dialogue, I love the nose job part.

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