Just a Regular Morning Before School?

June 24, 2010
By laceywilson BRONZE, Huntington, West Virginia
laceywilson BRONZE, Huntington, West Virginia
4 articles 0 photos 6 comments

Favorite Quote:
What does not kill you makes you stronger. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe


One morning before school there were two sisters getting ready to go to school. Paige was hogging the bathroom as usual and Gabby wanted to get in there well they finished getting ready. Then Paige heard her alarm go off n her phone to go wait for the bus. It was still dark out side when they went up to the drive-way. Then Gabby looked down the road for the bus instead of seeing the bus she sall something run across the street. then Paige's phone rings it is a text message from a unknown number. It says " I see you and your sister." She read it to her sister they had no idea what to think. So they race down to the house lock all of the doors. She got another message and it said, " So you think your safe? Haha." so the girls call there parents and they said we will be home soon.

They heard a knock on the door Paige looked out the peep hole she had no idea who it was. So they stayed very quite. After they tought they thought that the person was gone they stared to talk then they heard a window shatter. They dassed out of the door to the garage. There parents got home andt they heard a chainsaw then screaming, and gun shots that went through the window. They ran as soo as they got in the garage they sall blood all over Paige and Gabby was under the desk that was in there and this stranger in the floor with a gun. The mom said, " Girls I am so sorry we are never going to leave you alone like that again." Gabby ran strght to Paige she was still scared. Come to find out the person had been watching the girls for sometime. They went to the house and wound down from what happened and called the cops. The girl's parents were so prod of Paige for doing what she had to do for her sister.

To all of the sister's out there if it comes down to letting somebody hurt you or your sister or you haft to hurt them remember do what you haft to do to keep your family, because they can never be replaced. Don't do it unless you haft to with good reasoning.


The author's comments:
My 7th grade english teacher she taught me to always think outside the box. Dont let anything hold you back no matter back.

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This article has 7 comments.


on Jul. 7 2010 at 2:04 pm
Incitata BRONZE, Cincinnati, Ohio
4 articles 0 photos 20 comments

Favorite Quote:
"That's what the conspirators want you to think, dear."

This is definitely an interesting story but I have a couple suggestions for you.

The first one is check your spelling and grammar, as others here have said.  There are quite a few spelling mistakes in here especially that any spell check program would pick up for you even if you don't have fancy software like Microsoft Word.  ("Haft" is not a word, but "have" is.)

 

There is hardly any character development in this story, which can be the difference between a New York Times Bestseller and what the publisher sends back.  All we know is that Paige and Gabby are the girls' names (or they could be aliases - we don't know!) and that Paige hogs the bathroom.

 

Another thing that you'll want to be careful to watch out for in your writing is changing verb tense.  Gabby "looked down the road" but then "Paige's phone rings" in the next sentence.  This keeps your piece from having a good flow.

 

There is also not a lot of plot development in this story.  It seems as though it does not have time to reach a climax, and then the actual high point of the story is skipped! They heard screaming and saw gunshots... and then their parents were there and there was something about blood!  What?

 

I also want to mention that your conclusion is confusing, and it seems like there is circular thinking involved there.

I would also like to mention your comments - thinking outside the box is great, but what's inside the box?  The theme of your story seems somewhat overdone, because it's included in most horror movies.

Thanks for writing, this piece and you both have great potential.  Reach for the stars, and good luck. : )


on Jul. 6 2010 at 4:40 pm
i_am_nobody SILVER, Belgrade, Montana
7 articles 0 photos 85 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Be yourself, don't take anyone's sh*t, and never let them take you alive." -Gerard Way

...chainsaw?

on Jul. 6 2010 at 9:48 am
laceywilson BRONZE, Huntington, West Virginia
4 articles 0 photos 6 comments

Favorite Quote:
What does not kill you makes you stronger. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

thank you for you constrctive critasicm i will take that in hopes that my next artical is better. ( and as to you question if you look back in the artical you will see that he had been watching the girls and asking questions about them to there friends and that is how he got the number

on Jul. 3 2010 at 6:19 pm
OfficialApprover PLATINUM, Orefield, Pennsylvania
48 articles 0 photos 1754 comments

Favorite Quote:
Grab life by the balls. -Slobberknocker
We cannot change the cards we're dealt just how we play the hand
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted
It's pretty easy to be smart when you're parroting smart people
-Randy Pausch

This was well-written and interesting, nice plot line, just watch the grammar.  Great job.  Keep writing!

Btw, will you check out and comment on my work?


ELM522 DIAMOND said...
on Jul. 3 2010 at 11:01 am
ELM522 DIAMOND, Selden, New York
79 articles 0 photos 139 comments

Favorite Quote:
"All those other girls, well they're beautiful, but would they write a song for you?"-"Hey Stephen" by Taylor Swift

This was very creative. You have potential, but it seeks more description. I'm looking forward to reading more of your pieces! You have intriguing ideas!

Kimbla said...
on Jul. 1 2010 at 10:55 am
Kimbla, G, Mississippi
0 articles 0 photos 22 comments
its ok but u need to work on ur spelling and yeah its rushed. keep at it :)

on Jun. 29 2010 at 8:55 pm
waiting_to_be_found GOLD, Conifer, Colorado
10 articles 1 photo 73 comments
Hmm... well not necessarily a bad story line, but you need to work on how you deliver it. It was a bit rushed, there was no detail, I couldn't really tell how the girls were feeling, I mean I wasn't really sure what was going on. Like how did he get her number? 


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