What Sarah Said

June 15, 2010
The walls began to close in on her as the minute-hand ticked by so slowly that it seemed to be moving in reverse. She stared up from the red vinyl psychiatrist's chair, each tick rumbled like a car
collision. Her white-blond waves of hair swayed with each movement for her head. She'd had every problem in the book.

Eating disorders to self-infliction.

Nothing had surpassed her frail frame.

Her name was Sarah, once strikingly beautiful but now just faded into the scenery with her hazy pale blue eyes and pasty white skin. The once rosy cheeks and lips bland without a smile or warmth.

Sarah had known her psychiatrist so long now that they were on a first name basis, Loise instead of Dr. Canter. She didn't want to be their with Loise, at all. It was her mother's idea, which started three years ago when she was thirteen. Now Sarah was sixteen and could drive herself to and from her sessions. She had thought many times of not going. Of just continuing driving. Of running away, but she knew better. Her mother would have the police looking for her within minutes, she probably even had a tracking device installed in the car. Sarah had only two designated stops. Loise's office and home. Her mother knew the exact mileage to and from, and she kept track.

Sarah sat quietly. Her large doe glazed eyes swept the room, everything was as familiar as her own home.

Loise sat watching her, she had given up on asking Sarah questions during their twice a week, two hour sessions around a year and a half ago when she realized Sarah was not going to answer questions. She now just observed, if Sarah had something to say she would. Asking was a waste of time.

The sessions began when Sarah's father died. Sarah had found him...lying on the floor next to the dining room table with his right hand still clenched around the gun, his finger loosely on the trigger. Sarah had just come home from shopping with a friend, and was gushing to show her mom and dad the new opal earrings she'd bought. Getting dropped off at 4 o'clock, she was surprised to see her father's car parked in the driveway. Both of her parents' worked late, and shouldn't be home for hours.

Running through the door she yelled out with joy, "Daddy," her smile already widening. She was her daddy's little girl.

She ran to her father's den, not bothering to look to her left into the dining room as she entered the house. She knew her father would be sitting in his big brown leather chair , willing to read her a story like always. But he wasn't sitting there with his broad smile,open arms, chocolate brown hair and crinkly eyes.

Running to the kitchen, she came to an abrupt halt. Her eyes widening and filling with moisture, unable to fathom what was happening. She fell to her knees by his side shaking her father's arm and screaming, "Daddy! Daddy wake up! Please Daddy!"

Her father never woke up again, and for quite a long time neither did the happiness in Sarah. Not until that fateful day.

Pushing through the door, escaping from her most resent session, not watching where she was going. Eyes on the floor she bumped into him. He grabbed onto her thin arms before she collapsed onto the floor from the unexpected jolt.

Looking up through her eyelashes, a pang of familiarity struck her. This boy had the same chocolate brown hair and twinkling eyes as her father. She let out a gasp.

"Are you all right?" the boy said his smile
showing dimples.

"Yes, I'm fine." her voice was struggling to keep from cracking and falling apart at the site in front of her.

"I'm Jordon," his smile didn't cease as he looked into her eyes. Most people who knew her would clam up and frown, some even muttered poor girl under their breath as if she couldn't hear them.

"Sarah." she said, waiting for her name to register in his mind, that she was the girl who found her father after he killed himself.

"Well I have to go Dr. Canter'll be mad if I'm late again for our session. Hopefully I'll see you around Sarah." his smile never fell.

During the drive home all she could think of was Jordon and every thought of his smile caused her to smile. She turned on the radio, something she hadn't done since the incident. She turned the volume on high. An up-beat pop song flowed out of the speakers and she began to hum along to it.

It was Friday, there was no school because of summer, the hot sun beat down making Sarah's skin feel like it was on fire. She was on her way to endure her second session for the week. As she pulled into the parking-lot the happy feeling she'd had since her last session began to sink.

Entering the room Sarah flopped down on the stiff chair she always sat on. Dr. Canter cheerily began to speak, "Hi Sarah! How are you?" Her smile was fake and uncaring.

Sarah turned her eyes away from her towards the window and stared out. She wished she could be outside in the sun instead of in here with Loise.

The next two hours passed the same as every session, soundless. As she walked out of the office she scanned the room for Jordon, but he was no where to be seen.

Sitting outside during the day, the week continued to pass. Sarah's happiness was sinking still, she was beginning to think that Jordon was a fragment of her imagination. Two more weeks passed the same as always. Nothing new happening, no one calling for Sarah.

Again it was Friday, things were going in the same dull motif. Sarah had given up on looking for Jordon after her sessions.

"Sarah!" she heard her name shouted from somewhere as she walked to her car. Glancing up she saw no one, and pushed the noise off as one of the voices Dr. Canter thought she heard in her head.

Out of no where Jordon came running up, smiling with his dimples, "Hi there."

"Hello," Sarah couldn't help but smile back.

"Dr. Canter's being as dragon-like as ever huh?" he laughed, it was a rich throaty sound. Sarah laughed along with him, much softer though.

"So I was wondering if you wanted to get together sometime?" he looked nervous, as if waiting for rejection.

"When?" she asked a little to eagerly.

"Well are you doing anything now? Dr. Canter cancelled my session for the day."

Sarah thought of what her mother would say when she found out about the mileage, as if reading her mind he answered her problem, "We can take my bike over there, it'll be fun." Sarah looked over at the shinny black motorcycle, it looked fast. It looked vociferous...and fun.

She simply said, "Okay."

Sitting in the quaint cafe, their conversation flowed. They talked about everything and they talked about nothing. It was so easy.

The next couple months continued with this easiness. Sarah was happy, she was smiling. The sessions didn't even seem bad anymore, they passed quickly. Every ended session would lead to Jordon and their endless happiness.

"Jordon, why do you see Dr. Canter?" Sarah asked one night lying in the grass looking at the stars. Their hands were laced together, "I mean you're so normal."

"Well I try to be," he joked. His smile then began to fall.

"I'm supposed to be learning how to deal with death."

"So am I." Jordon's jaw was set tight.

"My father killed himself...I found him," tears began to well up in her eyes, she had never said this out loud before.

Jordon wrapped his arms around her as she cried, holding and rocking her until her sobs stopped.

"Sarah, I'm dying," he whispered with a quiver in his voice. She pulled back and look him in the eyes, they melted showing his sadness. "I don't want to leave you. I know I can't stop it though, the doctors have tried everything. Now I'm just accepting it."

Sarah felt like screaming and crying again. What had she done to deserve all of this. First loosing her father and now the boy she loves. However, instead of throwing her fit, she stayed strong for Jordon, "I love you."

"Oh Sarah I love you, too," she saw a tear roll down his cheek over his dimple.


As the month's went by Jordon continued to grow weaker from the cancer. They could no longer go for the whirlwind rides on his bike together.

Sarah never left his side. She would lay next to him in his bed, which he no longer could leave without a lot of help. Sometimes they would talk, other times they would lay in silence even though they still had millions of things to say.

Today, Sarah's head was rested on his shoulder. She could hear Jordon's heartbeat pattering even weaker then normal.

"Sarah, honey, everything is going to be alright. No matter what happens, you are going to go on, you have to promise me that," he said this hopeful, more like a command then a question.

"I promise..."

"Good. I love you more then anything," his voice was getting quieter, Sarah knew this talk was almost done.

"I love you."

"I know," she could sense the smile in his voice and looked up at his face. His eyes met her's, he then kissed her forehead and she closed her eyes as he did.

That was how Jordon died. Lying with the girl he loves in his arms.

Sarah knew as soon as he died that he was gone. She knew however that he wasn't completely gone, he'd be with her in her heart always, just as her father was.

With the loss of her first love, Sarah learned to accept things she never was able to accept in her sessions.

Jordon had taught her that she could go on with her life without forgetting the people she loved that are now gone. He taught her that she could be happy again.





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