My Pet, Mary Jane

June 8, 2010
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My pet, Mary Jane, is a very interesting animal. I never lose interest when studying her daily. For instance this morning when I sat patiently in the hall way waiting for her to discover that I had digested her sock she sat in front of the mirror applying some type of cream upon her face. I later supposed that her mother had stored a vat of saliva for grooming purposes to be used when she was not present and Mary Jane needed to cleanse herself. But on further inspection when she was away in that horrible institution that the pets call school I found the cream to be some type of toxic chemical compound that had a similar half-life to nuclear waste. I disposed of it for her because as we all know us cats have to nurture and care for our pets or they might literally kill themselves with their stupidity. Later when Mary Jane came home from that place she found me lying upon her bed cleansing myself. She looked outraged. I assumed that she meerly wanted to cleanse herself after spending all day with a pen of other filthy pets. To comfort her I jumped off of the bed, rubbed against her leg, and told her that everything would be alright.

Its so strange that they don't seem to be able to comprehend our language. I've tried on several occasions to teach Mary Jane and her parents but they just smile stupidly as if telling me that they'd rather continue their dumb existence. I wonder how they manage to communicate with themselves. Whenever they try and imitate our speech a rather vulgar amount of grunts emits from their mouths that makes me want to run under a bed. When Mary Jane was alone with another male species in her room I took it as a learning experience. I soon found out that humans transfer their thoughts through their mouths with a bit of sucking. But they obviously don't like sharing their thoughts to much because after a second Mary Jane pushed the male species off of her and opened the door for him to leave.

My greatest accomplishment with my pets is teaching them how to feed themselves. I thought it would never happen but soon they finally learned that fish was the only dinner that one should consume in order to remain sleak and fit. But it is beyond me why they insist to use such barbarian tools such as that pointy bit of metal and that round metal prod. Pets can be so cute.

I'm proud to say that I've only expended two of my nine lives while taking care of Mary Jane and her family. The first one was used while saving Mary Jane's little brother from getting run over by a car. Such a dumb stupid brute he can be. The second was used while rescuing one of our brother mice from sudden death. We've told them time after time that pets are simply afraid of them.

I sometimes regret knowing that I'll have to leave my pets eventually. I've grown attached to them. With the knowledge that we are quickly outsourcing the dogs I rest easily during the day knowing that soon my pension will come soon. Until then I leave this memoir of my eight life knowing that soon my ninth will be lived in relaxation. I think Mary Jane has so far been my favorite pet yet. But if only she would learn to use the litter box and not the drinking water for her excretions.

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