Gabriella

May 29, 2010
By katie-cat GOLD, McClellandtown, Pennsylvania
katie-cat GOLD, McClellandtown, Pennsylvania
13 articles 0 photos 163 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Look after my heart, I've left it with you."- Edward Cullen
"To love another person is to see the face of God . . ."- Les Miserables
"Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her out and let her scream." - Mark Twain


*One*


“Are you ready for school next week, Gaby?” Dr. Newman asks, getting on with our questioning routine.

“Mmm-hmm.” I answer in a hard tone.

My therapist jots something down in that dumb white binder he always has with him.

“It’s your senior year. Excited?”

I amazingly restrain from rolling my eyes. “Yep.”

“How’s your asthma been lately?”

“Fine.”

“When was your last big attack?”

“I don’t remember.”

Dr. Newman glances up at me. “C’mon, Gaby.”

I inhale, puffing my cheeks up with air, and then exhale with a loud whoosh. “Last night.”

“Okay, why?”

“Oh, I don’t know, maybe it’s because I have this little thing called asthma? Do you think that could possibly have anything to do with why I had an asthma attack?”

He sighs and snaps the binder shut in one fluid movement. “Okay, I can see we aren’t getting anywhere today.”

I scoff. “You think?”

He grimaces. “I know you aren’t thrilled with these sessions, but it really is a great opportunity to let your feelings out and share.”

I raise one eyebrow. “We’re not hippies, Sir.”

He lets out a small smile. “No, Gaby, we’re not. But do you see my point?”

“Nope.” I pop my gum rudely, challenging him to kick me out.

He takes off his rimless glasses and leans forward, endless patience in his eyes. “Look, Gaby, I want to help you. I really do. I won’t give up on you, I promise you that, but, if you won’t cooperate and talk to me, then I can’t do much else.”

I remain immobile with my lips pressed into a hard line.

“Well, if you won’t do this for yourself then do it for your mother. She just wants to help you.”

“Help me? No offense, but I don’t even know you Dr. Newman. How can you expect me to just pour my feeling out to some shrink I met a month ago?”

“I understand completely, but think about what your mother’s going through. You’re not the only one who's lost somebody here.”

“That’s not fair. She sends me off to you for an hour every day just so she can get away from me. She doesn’t care about “helping” me.”

“Gaby, you know that’s not true.”

“Yes it is.” I retaliate. “You don’t have to live with her and watch her move around like a zombie. She doesn’t want me around because she thinks I want to talk about it, whereas she’d rather pretend like it never happened. That’s why she sent me off to you.”

Before Dr. Newman can reply I feel myself proceeding with my tirade. The words just come pouring out. “And then when she’s not being all catatonic, she hovers over me constantly. It’s no wonder I have asthma with the way she’s always this close to me.” I hold my hand up, my index and thumb only mere millimeters apart. “She always makes a big deal about everything. I get up to go to the kitchen and she just has to know why.
I get up to go to the bathroom and she insists on waiting by the door like that crazy murderer is going to crawl through the window with his hand gun. And if he did she wouldn’t even know what he’d look like. She wasn’t the one who saw him shoot my dad. She didn’t have to be there and watch her father fall over like a ragdoll as if he’d never even been a living, breathing human being. She didn’t have to stomach that sick smile the guy had on his face before he made his escape. She didn’t have to sit there in a puddle of blood and wait with her father’s body until the ambulance arrived. No, he was all cleaned up by the time she came into the picture.” I let out an exhausted breath and force myself to say the last few words that have haunted me since the day my father was murdered.

“She doesn’t have to spend the rest of her life with that man’s face forever imprinted in her mind. She doesn’t have to live with the guilt of not even trying to stop that killer as he escaped. She didn’t just let him leave without putting up a fight.”

“Gaby, you’re seventeen.” Dr. Newman says gently. “That man is an extremely dangerous criminal. I don’t think your father would have wanted you anywhere near him.”

I know he’s right, but that doesn’t take away the guilt. I sigh and lean back into the tan, plush sofa. I don’t know what else to say.

Dr. Newman seems to sense that I’m done. He puts his glasses back on and runs a hand through his curly blond hair.

I have to admit, if I really had to pick my own shrink I would have picked Dr. Newman. He’s relatively young, late twenties to early thirties at the absolute youngest, and handsome. It could be worse, I guess. I could’ve gotten stuck with some stuffy, cranky old guy.

“Well, are you ready to call it a day, Gaby?” He asks, although I’m sure he already knows my answer. I’m not exactly fighting to hide it.

I stand up and sling my purse over my shoulder. Dr. Newman escorts me out to the waiting room where my mother is sitting in a far corner flipping through an issue of Woman’s World.

When she sees us she stands up. “How’d it go?” She asks enthusiastically as if I haven’t been seeing Dr. Newman every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday for the past month.

“Fine.” I say at the same time as Dr. Newman says, “Great.” I glare at him and he smiles back at me with all the innocence of a five-year old. “You’ve got a great girl here Ms. Sparks.”

Mom puts a protective arm around my shoulders. “I know I do.”

“So, I’ll see you Wednesday, Gaby?” Dr. Newman verifies.

“Four o’ clock.”

“Looking forward to it.” He says. He shakes hands with my mother and then lets her lead me to the elevators.

We ride down to the 1st floor in silence. Mom is the perfect mother around people. She’s always put together, not a hair out of place, not a smudge on her face. But, when it’s just us…..that’s a totally different story.

Once we’re in the car I turn on the radio and turn up the volume. Mom immediately turns it back off. I shoot her a look.

“I have a headache.” She states; taking a long pull from her thermos filled with black coffee.

“Well, maybe if you didn’t guzzle that junk day in and day out you wouldn’t get so many migraines.” I mumble.

She pretends as if the hasn’t heard me.

I sigh and turn my head to look out the window, watching the trees and houses pass in a blur.

Once we are in our own driveway again I tear from the car and go into the house. My mom follows close behind, closing the door and locking it securely. She kicks off her shoes and goes to curl up in her recliner, still clutching the coffee-filled thermos tightly.

“There’s a frozen pizza in the freezer when you get hungry, sweetheart.” She says as she turns on the T.V.

I feel my anger melting away. I go to her and sit on the arm of her recliner. “Mom, I was thinking that maybe we could make dinner together tonight. We could have barbecued chicken and baked potatoes.” I swallow and go in for the kill. “You know, Dad’s favorite.”

She doesn’t turn away from the television screen, but I feel her body go rigid all over. Her hesitation is almost palpable.

“I-I don’t think we have any of the ingredients.” She states.

“I can run over to the store—”

“No.”

“It’s only, like, ten minutes away.”

“I don’t want you going out there alone.”

“Mom, it’s the grocery store. There’ll be lots of other people there.”

“I don’t care.” She says, her tone suggesting that she wasn’t going to argue anymore. She’s back in the “protective mode” again in an instant. I don’t know how she’s going to handle it when I go back to school for six hours a day, five days a week.

I feel my anger rising again. I wish she would just come out of her little isolated world already and be my mom again, be my friend again.

I sigh loudly and push up from the chair and thunder up the steps into my bedroom. I slam the door shut and lock it. I throw myself onto my bed face down and desperately chomp down on my bottom lip to keep my tears of frustration in. I beat my pillow with my fist a couple of times, but am not successful. I flip over on to my back and stare up at my ceiling until my vision is marred with relentless tears. This time I let them come, let them wash my face.

My life is a mess and it will never be normal again.


The author's comments:
This story has no official title, yet. It's a work in progress. It came to me after I read a mystery book about a girl who can sense dead bodies. Don't worry Gaby won't have any weird powers, that's just where my inspiration came from. Please read and review, thanks :)

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This article has 41 comments.


HuntShot732 said...
on Oct. 29 2015 at 12:13 pm
HuntShot732, Thornton, Colorado
0 articles 0 photos 15 comments
This is a very good story. I can't wait to see what you do with character, it's very realistic and it lets me feel like I'm walking with Gabby wherever she is. You're doing a great job balancing the character, keep it up.

on Oct. 17 2011 at 5:11 pm
blueandorange GOLD, Jeffersonville, Indiana
14 articles 0 photos 63 comments
This is good.  You should write more!

on Oct. 4 2011 at 10:20 am
RyanTyler PLATINUM, Windsor, Connecticut
21 articles 0 photos 94 comments

Favorite Quote:
"A myth is a religion in which no one no longer believes." James Feibleman

I liked it. And that part about the asthma is so true.

LaceeJade GOLD said...
on Jul. 15 2010 at 8:56 pm
LaceeJade GOLD, Bucyrus, Ohio
17 articles 4 photos 136 comments

Favorite Quote:
♥ I've made mistakes in my life. i've let people take advantage of me, and i accepted way less than i deserve. But, i've learned from my bad choices, and even though there are some things i can never get back and people who will never be sorry. i'll know better next time and i wont settle for anything less than i deserve. ♥

This Is really good:) Good Job!

on Jul. 10 2010 at 7:32 pm
PorcelainShadow BRONZE, Lizton, Indiana
4 articles 6 photos 39 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Don't hold your tongue, instead, hold your breath, and jump in"

very strong character(: made me giggle a ton in the beginning

on Jul. 9 2010 at 7:47 pm
OfficialApprover PLATINUM, Orefield, Pennsylvania
48 articles 0 photos 1754 comments

Favorite Quote:
Grab life by the balls. -Slobberknocker
We cannot change the cards we're dealt just how we play the hand
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted
It's pretty easy to be smart when you're parroting smart people
-Randy Pausch

I seriously loved this, the character was very strong and realistic, excellently portrayed, great dialogue.  I love your storyline, it's very interesting and definitely not common.  Nice job.

katie-cat GOLD said...
on Jul. 6 2010 at 7:40 am
katie-cat GOLD, McClellandtown, Pennsylvania
13 articles 0 photos 163 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Look after my heart, I've left it with you."- Edward Cullen
"To love another person is to see the face of God . . ."- Les Miserables
"Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her out and let her scream." - Mark Twain

Thanks for the comment! I was also unsure of Gaby and her mom's realtionship, I wasn't sure if I needed to change anything or make her more distant, so that might need some editing.  Thanks for the advice!

deka9 said...
on Jul. 5 2010 at 11:26 pm

This is so funny. In one of my stories, I have my main character goes to a therapist, too. :)

Hahaha, I like the way you gives Gaby such an attitude, and it fits to the situation about her father and all, but it throws me off a little when she said that her mom didn't care about her, but then she tried to break her mom away from the protective mode and into a mom/friend. It sort of confused me at first.

I think there are unnecessary adverbs and words. i.e. "I amazingly restrain..." and "I pop my gum rudely..." I don't think you need amazingly or rudely. You are quite descriptive at place and that is a good thing. But be careful wordiness (my personal nightmare). Let your character "speaks" for herself. Like "I throw myself onto my bed face down and desperately chomp down on my bottom lip to keep my tears of frustration in." "Of frustration" was unnecessary because Gaby already showed that she was frustrated with her mom by throwing herself on the bed and chomp down her bottom lip.

Overall, I like how realistic it is. The anger, frustration, and attitude are so palpable. It fits under this realistic fiction :) Good job. Keep on writing :)

P.S. "We're not hippies, Sir."


SandyC SILVER said...
on Jun. 29 2010 at 8:58 pm
SandyC SILVER, Concord, Other
5 articles 0 photos 78 comments

Favorite Quote:
"In the end it won't matter how many breaths you took, but how many moments took your breath away"

It was a great opening part of the story...it got me intrigued to read the rest of the story..great work!:)

on Jun. 28 2010 at 3:06 am
Megaphone1927 SILVER, The Tardis, Tennessee
6 articles 0 photos 43 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If you don't peer into the shadows, you won't see the ghosts."-Flora Segunda

   :D  

katie-cat GOLD said...
on Jun. 27 2010 at 11:26 am
katie-cat GOLD, McClellandtown, Pennsylvania
13 articles 0 photos 163 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Look after my heart, I've left it with you."- Edward Cullen
"To love another person is to see the face of God . . ."- Les Miserables
"Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her out and let her scream." - Mark Twain

Don't worry about it! I'm sorry, I just was like, oh, jeez is that bad?  I was like having a mini panic attack, but that was just being my normal self- freaking out over really small details.  I have to remember to not take things so much to heart, thanks for clearing things up :)

katie-cat GOLD said...
on Jun. 27 2010 at 11:23 am
katie-cat GOLD, McClellandtown, Pennsylvania
13 articles 0 photos 163 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Look after my heart, I've left it with you."- Edward Cullen
"To love another person is to see the face of God . . ."- Les Miserables
"Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her out and let her scream." - Mark Twain

Don't worry about it!  I was just like, okay, is that good or bad?  I sort of had like a mini panic attack.  But seriously, I'm sorry, I take things too much to heart sometimes. :) Thanks for the comment !

Anna E. said...
on Jun. 26 2010 at 10:57 pm

 

No, No! Don't jump to conclusions, man!

I'm always a little unclear when I talk to people, but what I meant to say was . . .

"Hmmm, This is really intertaining to read!" and to me, the . . . .'s meant something like "Stay tuned! as soon as I read the next bit, I'll truly tell you what I'm thinking!"

Sorry, I always seem to forget that other people can't read my mind and know exactly what I'm thinking! :)


Anna E. said...
on Jun. 26 2010 at 10:20 pm

No, No! Don't jump to conclusions, man!

I'm always a little unclear when I talk to people, but what I meant to say was . . .

"Hmmm, This is really intertaining to read!" and to me, the . . . .'s meant something like "Stay tuned! as soon as I read the next bit, I'll truly tell you what I'm thinking!"

Sorry, I always seem to forget that other people can't read my mind and know exactly what I'm thinking! :)


S.S.Y. GOLD said...
on Jun. 26 2010 at 8:29 pm
S.S.Y. GOLD, Toronto, Other
19 articles 2 photos 28 comments

Favorite Quote:
"After all, tomorrow is another day" -- Scarlett O'Hara

"It is the east, and Juliet is the sun!" -- Romeo

"I am a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it." -- Stephen Leacock

This is a good start for a story. At first it didn't hook me in, but as I read on the characters grew on me and I like the way you describe the situation and the characters. But I think the whole passage when Gaby rants about what happened shouldn't have come out like that or that early in the chapter. I think it would be better if it remained in narration and explained when they are in the car, to explain for her mother's behaviour. But all in all, it had been a good start! Keep it up!

katie-cat GOLD said...
on Jun. 25 2010 at 9:33 pm
katie-cat GOLD, McClellandtown, Pennsylvania
13 articles 0 photos 163 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Look after my heart, I've left it with you."- Edward Cullen
"To love another person is to see the face of God . . ."- Les Miserables
"Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her out and let her scream." - Mark Twain

Okay.........so you didn't like it I surmise?  I'd appreciate it if you'd give your honest opinion, I can take it.  I'll go for any criticism I can get. Thanks :)

on Jun. 25 2010 at 9:19 pm
Megaphone1927 SILVER, The Tardis, Tennessee
6 articles 0 photos 43 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If you don't peer into the shadows, you won't see the ghosts."-Flora Segunda

Hmmm, this is really interesting. . . .

katie-cat GOLD said...
on Jun. 24 2010 at 8:52 pm
katie-cat GOLD, McClellandtown, Pennsylvania
13 articles 0 photos 163 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Look after my heart, I've left it with you."- Edward Cullen
"To love another person is to see the face of God . . ."- Les Miserables
"Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her out and let her scream." - Mark Twain

thanks!  and I actually did start your revised version the other day :)  when I finish it I'll be sure comment

EllieK. BRONZE said...
on Jun. 24 2010 at 4:39 pm
EllieK. BRONZE, Wilmette, Illinois
4 articles 0 photos 75 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Not all who wander are lost"
JRR Tolkien

"Sometimes life sucks, so suck it up"
-ME

""We succeeded in taking that picture (from deep space), and if you look a it, you see a dot. Thats here. That's home. Thats us. On it, everyone you ever heard of

This is a good story. I liked the depth of the characters and the personalities that you gave them. The plot also seems quite interesting and thorough. Keep writing this!

Also, I know you've already read my story, but would you mind looking at my revised version. Thanks!


katie-cat GOLD said...
on Jun. 18 2010 at 3:48 pm
katie-cat GOLD, McClellandtown, Pennsylvania
13 articles 0 photos 163 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Look after my heart, I've left it with you."- Edward Cullen
"To love another person is to see the face of God . . ."- Les Miserables
"Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her out and let her scream." - Mark Twain

lol, I know, it'll probably take some time :)




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