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Shut up, I'm deaf!
I tried to kill myself again.
But of course, someone managed to sneak up behind me and stop me.
I hate how I can't hear people sneak up on me like that.
And I hate a lot of other things too. I hate the way people look when they try to "communicate" with me using their hands (they always look retarded) or try to talk to me, not knowing that I can't hear a single word they're saying. I hate those stupid lessons my parents are forcing me to take. I just hate it all.
And now I'm stuck in my room with nothing to do because I tried to end my life so that I don't have to suffer from being deaf.
Now you see why I'm so full of hate?
I started staring at the stereo in the corner of the room. I turned it on and pressed the volume button continuously, hoping that maybe if it was loud enough, I would hear it. I don't get why I hope that maybe I'll get my hearing back. It's never gonna happen. Why hope?
Eventually, I started feeling the catchy beat of the song. Boom, boom, boom. Then I noticed movement behind me. I turned around and saw my mom glaring at me, pointing at my stereo.
Her mouth moved then she suddenly covered it with her hand. I know what she's thinking. Oh no, I forgot that he can't read mouths yet. More like never.
I punched the power button and felt the catchy beat go away in a second. I picked up my small whiteboard and quickly scribbled on it: You happy now? I showed it to my mom. She shook her head in disappointement and closed the door. Why is she disappointed? She's not the one who's deaf.
I lie on my bed and stared at the ceiling, remembering what happened when I found out I was deaf. Because it's not like I could do anything else.
I woke up one morning, two weeks ago, suddenly feeling this silence overwhelming me. Like someone shoved fifty cotton balls in both ears. Like my ears were numb from frostbite. The only thing I could hear was my blood rushing throughout my body and my heart beating faster and faster.
I was panicking.
I started hitting and banging things, trying to test my deafness. I yelled, but I couldn't hear, I just felt vibrations in my throat.
Then my parents rushed, their eyes widened. Their mouths were moving and I couldn't hear anything that came out of it. I pointed at me ears . . . and . . . .
And that's when everything went downhill.
That's when we all knew I was deaf. And deep down, I knew that I will forever be deaf. Forever until I die.
And that's why I've tried about 3 times already to kill myself.
I just can't handle being surrounded by this blanket of silence. I can't stand not being able to watch t.v. or listen to music. I can't stand not being able to hear my friends when they joke around. I just can't stand not hearing my teachers when they gave lessons. They even told me that I was an auditory learner. Even though learning and listening to their boring lectures were boring. You can't compare them to the silence I'm always surrounded in.
I adjusted my head on my pillow and stared at the messy stack of books my parents found in my closet. They want me to read them.
They should know that even being deaf won't make me read them.
But maybe I should read them. Just to know how terribly boring they are.
No. I won't. I'll just try to sneak out and try to ride my bike around the neighborhood. Maybe that will make me feel better and feel less bored.
I rushed out of my room when I bumped into my older brother. Nathan. His life is barely affected by this new me. He's never home. Always with his friends, partying or doing something stupid. So my parents finally found him dazing off at the table a few days after my ears stopped working and told him about my condition. He barely looked surprised. But he was probably too sleepy to actually let their words function in his brain so maybe that's why.
But whether he's surprised or not, I could tell that he doesn't care much.
He greeted me with a nod. Then he furrowed his eyebrows and drew a question mark in the air with his index finger.
I pointed outside and pretended to ride on an imaginary bike.
Nathan shook his head. Then he pointed behind him and mocked my parents by wiggling is finger around in shame and pretending to yell at me.
I shrugged and walked passed him.
So far, I think this was the only conversation we really had the past few years. And I'm not really sure if that's a good thing or not.
I continued to think about Nathan our converstation while I passed the bathroom. The first place I tried to commit suicide. I tried to drown myself in the bath tub. Unsuccessful because my dad walked in.
My parents asked me a billion questions and the next day, they signed me up to visit a therapist. The therapist just made me feel worse.
I passed the kitchen. Second time. A few days after the first time. I tried to stab myself with a butcher knife. I chickened out and my mom came in and snatched the knife away.
They grounded me from t.v. and computer and other electronics (which was stupid) and signed me up for a pyschiatrist.
Third time, two days ago, I climbed up the roof and tried to jump off. The mailman saw me. I wish they didn't deliver the mail so early in the morning. Then I probably would've gotten away with it.
My parents grounded me from everything and are probably deciding if I should go to some mental hospital.
I felt hands tightly grip my shoulders. My dad.
I probably made too much noise trying to walk out. Another disadvantage of being deaf. You don't know how much noise you're making. So I shouldn't have even thought about sneaking out.
Then a brilliant thought snuck up on me. I peeled my dad's hands off of my shoulders and rushed out of the front door. Then I ran.
And ran and ran and ran 'til my lungs gave out on me.
I was at the park. I collapsed onto the grass and waited for my breath to return. I felt my brain pulsing and my heart thumping. I could feel all this and the spikey grass. I could see the blue sky and the green grass. I could smell the dirt below me. I could even taste the spit in my mouth. But I couldn't hear.
My energy suddenly returned.
I jumped back up and ran and ran and ran.
I found myself at the mall. I rushed in and climbed up the stairs until I reached the roof. I burst of the door and felt the cool wind whip my face. Tears started to gather in my eyes. Was it because of the wind?
Then I opened my eyes and started to sob. That's what it seemed like.
The first time in weeks that I've cried. The first time in years that I've cried.
After who knows how long, I wiped my tears away and found a paper and a dirty pen lying around. I stared at both of them. What should I do with them?
I started writing on the paper:
I'm deaf and will always be surrounded by the annoying, stupid silence. I can't handle it. I need noise. I NEED it. And my parents are annoying and brother doesn't care and my friends aren't friends anymore. I need to end it now. I'm sorry. -Kevin Piper
Perfect. I folded the piece of paper and wrote "Kevin Piper's Last Words" on it. I slipped the paper into my pocket and walked to the edge of the building.
I stared at the ground below. Buzzing with cars and people. People that could hear. People with ears that actually work.
Then I started thinking about everything else.
My parents. My mom has always been nosey and annoying but loving. After the incident, she became more nosey and annoying and maybe a little less loving. My dad has always been obnoxious and stubborn but always funny. After the incident, he became more obnoxious and stubborn and hardly funny at all.
My parents weren't great people. They didn't know what to do when Nathan became an independent, rebellious teenager. They didn't know what to do when I became deaf. Because they always thought they would have a perfect family. Maybe that's why they freaked out when I tried to kill myself. They wanted a son that actually cared about them. Sorta.
My brother. Nathan is and always will be a mystery. He always keeps to himself and hides himself away when he's home. Maybe he has this big secret he doesn't want anyone to know. Maybe.
We used to be really close when we were younger. Always playing around outside when we got the chance. Then we just stopped when we grew up. Maybe that's why I felt so strange and surprised when he actually stopped and acknowledged me for the first time in years. So maybe he could be loved if he wanted to be. Maybe he just has this secret that makes him be the way he is.
My friends. I was always popular. After the incident, BAM!, my friendship slowly died away. I remembered texting one of my friends once. They almost forgot and chatted with me for a bit. But then they remembered and they kinda said, "oh, sorry, gotta go now." They probably don't want to be friends with me anymore. I changed too much.
And now I'm alone in this world. And now I'm deciding whether I should stay in this harsh world. What if I stayed? Would my parents finally realize the mistakes they made and get better at raising kids? Will Nathan tell everyone his secret and be a good brother? Will I get my hearing back?
No. If I won't start hearing again, then none of these things will ever happen.
And like I wrote on that paper. I need noise. Without noise, I'll go crazy, if I'm not crazy already. I hate being isolated like this. A silent world is not a world at all. Not to me.
I looked down again. Then I screamed. I tried to, anyway. I felt the vibrations in my throat. I must be screaming. Everyone suddenly looked up.
I smiled and waved at them all while I tried to persuade myself to jump off. It wasn't hard. It was just a few steps. Left. Right. Left. Then no more walking. Just falling and falling and then it'll all be over.
I smiled even wider. I started to walk those few steps. Then I felt my body started to tilt towards the ground. Away from the building. People started pointing at me with their eyes the size of the moon and their mouths as wide as a cave.
This is it. I'm done. I don't have to suffer from being deaf. Being surrounded by silence and an ignorant family.
My feet weren't touching the building anymore. My back was tingling. Wind rushed up against me, letting my hair and my clothes flap madly.
This is it. No more silence. I'm going to die and everything will be better. I don't have to be full of hate. No more silence. I am Kevin Piper. I am deaf--