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There is nothing. Landen doesn’t matter. Seth doesn’t matter. My brother doesn’t matter. Dad doesn’t matter. School doesn’t matter. Life doesn’t matter. Nothing matters.
Because my Mom is dead. Because cancer invaded her body and took her away from me. She was my best friend. I hate how I have to say was now. Like she is something from my past. Something I’m trying to leave behind.
I don’t care if the world is going on around me. I don’t care if I stay here. Forever.
Its been four months. Hasn’t it? Maybe six.
It doesn’t matter what the counselors say. They all tell me it will be ok. They tell me that I will grieve in five stages and then move on. Its all mapped out for me. And then they go get their pay check. And they go home to their family. With their Moms.
There aren’t words for this.
The one person that has always been there. Ripped right out of my grasp.
I’m all alone, lost in my own world of nothingness. No, its not hell. That would be better. At least I would have something to remind me that I exist. Right now, I’m not even sure that the person I see in the mirror is real.
The purple bags under her eyes. Her nasty hair matted to hair wet cheeks. Her transparent skin. Her knobby fingers. I don’t know who she is.
But I don’t care.
Because. My mother is dead.
So I’ll stick with my nothingness. I’ll hold it close to me, like an insulantion.
A plastic transparent wall surrounds me, seperating me from everything else. I can see the world. I can hear it, too. But thats all. Its a one way street. Its the world and I cannot interact with it.
Maybe because I can’t.
Maybe because I make it that way.
Maybe because I just don’t want to.
Or maybe, there isn’t really a reason because I do not exist.