Dear Diary; Another Life

April 2, 2010
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My life seems to carry an infinite darkness, I grow things, and kill things, life becoming nothing more than a garden to me. But now the garden’s dead, the roses black, reaching for the sky, the lightning crashes to the ground, that’s the lullaby to which I‘ve learned to sleep... Darkness haunts my every sleeping moment, and I realize that I’m still awake. I can’t wake from this nightmare, but when I sleep I’m free to be me, for this nightmare is my truest reality, I’m not crazy. My reality is just different from yours. I gaze down at my garden and weep, knowing someday I will follow. If today I follow death, go down it’s trackless wastes, salt my tongue on hardened tears for my precious dear time’s waste, if I race along that promised path in a headlong , dead long haste, once I'm gone will you have the grace to mourn me?

The worst feeling is not death, it’s knowing that you aren’t needed, that you are alone in this world, and that you no longer have a reason to live. I want to be remembered as the girl who always smiles, even when her heart is broken, and as the one that could always brighten up your day, even when she couldn’t brighten up her own. There was a time, when looking through myself, I wanted to pretend if I escaped I could fill myself. Been far and wide but that hole inside never really leaves, when I went away what I really felt, I left behind was me.
I walked away then, traveled far and wide trying to forget, and somehow, in a way I realized, I had changed inexplicably. Things aren’t the way they were before, you wouldn’t recognize me anymore. I loved and I learned a few things… if Love is blindness, I don’t want to see, won’t you wrap the night around me, oh my heart, love is blindness. A friend reaches for the hand but true love touches the heart… and it’s funny… The smallest things are the ones that bring joy to our lives. I’m not so good at advice, could I interest you in a sarcastic comment? Be optimistic! All the people you hate are going to die eventually.

I had a best friend, he and I were so close, it was amazing… We weren’t sarcastic, we were just hilarious, we weren’t annoying, we were just cooler than you. We weren’t mean, we just generally didn’t like you, and we weren’t obsessed with each other, we were just best friends. It’s funny how after so long of being friends I came to realize that all I had ever wanted was everything he was. I wanted a boy that I could go to, tears running down my face, and the first thing he’d say is, "Who’s a** am I kicking?" And that was him.
One time, I went to him and someone had made me angry and I had been upset, so he called them up and said, "Be careful if you make a woman cry, because god counts her tears, the woman came out of a man’s rib, not from his feet to be walked on, not from his head to be superior, but from his side to be equal, under the arm to be protected, and next to the heart to be loved." I realized after that, he was my truest love… but I soon came to realize something else. Love is an illusion created by the mind when we’re in pain, or an illusion that after time causes us pain. To be honest, Love never set me free, and now I’m left to talk to myself… because really… who else can I trust?
He would always tell me, "Do one brave thing today, then run like hell." Well, I did something brave once… I told him how I felt and learned he felt the same… but after awhile, I found that I really did have to run like hell. We fell in love and got together, then one night things changed… Now I hate him…

I hate him because he made me who I am today, I hate him because he doesn’t even care. I hate him because he’s everything I want to kill, I hate him because he’s not there. I hate him because he doesn’t even see what he’s done to me, but most of all, I hate him because he’s part of me. He could only say he hated me because he was afraid that my judgment would be a living mirror to his many flaws.
We were supposed to meet that night, he said he wanted to talk… wanted to take me away from here… but he never showed up that night. I waited but he never came, I stood there in the rain, waiting for him in the cold night, my tears streaming down my face. I loved walking in the rain because no one could see me crying while my body was soaked. He still wasn’t there I waited and waited all through the night, but he never came. My heart broke that night, when he never came. It’s not his fault I hurt so bad, it’s mine because I was foolish enough to think I could trust him… How could I stop crying when the only one who could make me stop was the one who’d made me start?

He came to see me the morning after, and he said things were over…
I watched him start to walk away, heart broken, tears ran dry and I could feel nothing but the hollow weeping of my soul. I ran ahead of him until I stood in front of him, my heart as cold as ice. I lifted my chin and spoke to him, trying to ignore my loss. "You taught me how to love, so you better teach me how to forget the way I feel about you. It hurts so bad, that you weren’t there, I can’t keep my heart from breaking! Now watch me while I leave you too because I don’t run away from you, I walk slowly, and it’s killing me because you don’t care enough to stop me." I was walking away from him, backwards, watching him as I did. I saw the tears on his face and felt the one’s on mine as he turned away.
As I watched him walk away I whispered, "Whatever road you choose, I’m right behind you, win or lose. Even though you push me away, I’ll always be here waiting for you. I wish for you; love, peace, strength, and success, these are the wishes from an angel that will always be at your side. May you never love in vain, in my heart you’ll always remain. If you love someone put their name in a circle, not a heart. A heart can be broken , but a circle goes on forever."

It wasn’t the fact that I wouldn’t see him again, it was the fact that he made it that way. Saying good bye wasn’t the hardest part, oh no, it was if he come back again that life would be hell. The pain might’ve paused or dulled, but it never went away. Only he could make the darkness bright, only he could fill my heart with light, he was always in my thoughts, but never in my sight, without him I didn’t think I had the strength to win the fight. I wasn’t afraid of happy endings, I was just afraid my life wouldn’t work out that way. You only live twice, or so it seems, one life for yourself and one for your dreams… When I saw him, I was afraid to meet him, when I met him I was afraid to Kiss him, when I kissed him I was afraid to love him, and once I loved him, I was afraid to lose him. But I did.
Now I beg you, "Will you rip out my heart? Because it hurts too much to keep inside."

So much time has passed since then… Now look at me. I’m a different person.

Now days, I’m just hidden from the world. Just because I come off strong, doesn’t mean I didn’t fall asleep crying, and even though I act like nothing is wrong, maybe, just maybe, I’m really good at lying. It’s easy to hide my pain, behind a mask of smiles. If I talk and laugh ‘too loud’ it’s because I’m trying to forget I‘m hurting. I might look like a bad girl, like I can only hate, but behind this angry girl, there is another face. I love the people who love me, and I love the little moon, but my dark side will never die, with all of my hate for this world, only my true friends will see a little part from the other me.
Not much left to say, my first love left and betrayed me on an unforgivable level and now my heart is stone. I never wanted to say good bye, but in the end the time came. Now.. I take my leave.
~Signed by a broken heart.
My friends, I leave you with this last note;
Laugh as if no one were listening, dance as if no one was watching, Love as if you had never been hurt before and live every moment like it’s your last.





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