“If you thought I'd leave, then you were wrong ‘Cause I won't stop holding on. This is an emergency So are you listening? And I can't pretend that I don't see this It's really not your fault That no one cares to talk about it, Talk about it Cause I've seen love die Way too many times When it deserved to be alive (When it deserved to be alive) I've seen you cry Way too many times When you deserve to be alive, alive” Emergency, Paramore That’s the last of the song I could hear because the voices of my parents arguing filled the house. The noise was horrible, traumatic to the young teens mind, gripping and breaking it as it leaks poison into your very roots. Apparently my father was drinking again; he’s a violent drunk, and the yells of pure anger that reverberates through my skull and scares me deep into my heart. And sometimes, like now, the poison leaks further down than it has before, and you just can’t take it anymore. I screamed-screamed as loud as I could…and screamed, and screamed. Then…dead silence-the horrible dead silence that lets me know I’ve just made a terrible mistake. I flinched, as my father, in all his drunken rage glory, kicked open the door, threw me onto my bed, picked up my laptop, and threw it against the wall. Shards of plastic, metal and LCD flew everywhere. And yet again, the horrible silence filled the room. And so now the crippling poison unsheathed its crimson daggers and sank them deep into my mind. It set in me, and a different type of poison set in my father, staged the set for a violent argument. “What the Hell?!” I yelled. “What do you mean, ‘what the Hell’?!” he responded with a heavy slur. “That’s a little over dramatic, don’t you think…?” Selena said. I turned and looked at her, giving her a glance that said ‘Shh…I’ll handle this.’ “What the hell is she doing in your bed at 3:00 am?” my dad asked. “I think that’s because you pushed her onto it.” “Well then, I’m sorry….” He groaned. “A little help please?” I gave a mental sigh. He doesn’t even remember her…Selena has been my girlfriend for half a year now. “Dad…this is Selena. How can you not remember her? You must be insanely dru-“ “You’re pushing your luck, boy.” my dad interrupted, still with a slur. “Was that a threat? I reached for the phone. My dad took off his belt and lashed out, smacking me across the face. “Yeah, it was. Now put the phone down before I break your arm.” My dad grumbled. “What the Hell dad? Oh wait- I’m sorry, that name is reserved for father-like figures.”Before I could flinch, he kicked me in the base of my chest, and I could feel my ribs crack with the blow. As he walked to the door Selena broke out into tears and collapsed by my curled up body. As I lay there, with Selena stroking my cheek, I mouthed the words, ‘get out’, and added a glare. The door closed. “I don’t remember him ever being like that.” Selena whispered “You’re lucky then-this is as good as it’s been in nights.” I said as I carefully lifted up my shirt to show her the large bruises left on my back from my dad hitting me even harder. “Anyway, I think it’s time we start heading to your house.” “No” Selena said, crying harder. “Are your parents arguing again?” I mouthed, concerned. “I think it’s for real this time. I think they’re getting a divorce.” Selena sobbed. “But I don’t want to leave you. You make me feel…normal.” I smiled at her. We understand each other. We’re there for each other-and we love each other. “I love her…” I mumbled, just then taking the full weight of the thought for the first time, as I looked at her black hair with purple strands sitting on her shoulders, and her dark black eyes. I think she realized the same thing as she looked back at my black hair highlighted with green. “Listen, because I don’t understand. Why do you want to be normal? You are sooo much better than normal. You are yourself. You were not put on this Earth to appease anyone but yourself. Do what you know you can do, and don’t let anyone get you down, okay?” “Thanks” She cried, “That really helped…” She hugged me, kissed me on the cheek, and, with a wink, jumped out the second story window and headed home. “Well that was enough drama for one night…” I sighed, lying down in bed. Of course, I didn’t go to sleep though-that would be too easy. Damned insomnia. I might as well enjoy these last few hours before I have to go to school. I grabbed my iPod and listened to Evanescence for a while, which actually made me cry a little. I was just wondering if Selena snuck in all right, when she texted me ‘Damn it-I can’t see you for a while.’ Of course she could. ‘Don’t worry, I’ll find a way. I love you my angel. <3’ I gave a half smile at her response-‘love you too babe’. Eventually I managed to drift off to sleep. Not that that’s a good thing. There were still traces of the poison corrupting my mind. I had a nightmare…a recurring one, I might add. Each nightmare seems to be an addition to the last. They show me the important times in my life -some of them are quite nice. But others, like this one, are horrible, and I’d never want to relive them…but I didn’t exactly have a choice. I drifted, the scenes, voices, flooding back once again in my ears. (School-seven months earlier) “Hey Jordan, I heard that you’re supposed to be real smart. If you’re so smart, what’s the answer to number one? Ah, who am I kidding? I’ve seen your grades. You’re just some dumba** emo b******. I bet you haven’t even started.” Teased Brendon, a wide grin on his face. “Yeah, I am a b******, what of it? I mean, seriously, what the Hell is wrong with you? What have I ever done to you but be nice…I am not emo, and I do not bully people. I can’t even fathom a reason as to why you’d say this. And I am smart…I’m not book smart, but I am smart on a deeper level.” “Full of yourself much?” he laughed. “Hey, look, everybody! That Jordan kid, you know that emo b******? Yeah-he thinks he’s smart, but I stole his report card when he wasn’t looking-and he’s failing every single class. What do you think people? Is he a retard or just have a big ego?” he yelled, loud enough for the whole class to hear. “Both.” announced the class unanimously. “Emo jerk” someone shouted. “What…what the…” I had started crying. I didn’t care if school wasn’t out yet…I ran-ran straight through the principal’s office and out the door-they didn’t even try to stop me. They didn’t care. They know me, they know I don’t matter…I bet they were happy that I was gone. I already had a low self esteem...now it’s non-existent. There had to be someone out there that cares…Anthony. Yes. The only person I could count on, the only person I could trust, the only one in my life that understood me. But he wasn’t answering my text, so I ran to my secret spot. The spot where I could zone out and be alone. Alone so I can clear my mind of all the poison. (Present) “Well if you wanted honesty that’s all you had to say, I never want to let you down or have you go. It’s better off this way. For all the dirty looks, The photographs your boyfriend took, Remember when you broke your foot, From jumping out the second floor. I’m not okay, I’m not okay, I’m not okay, You wear me out! But you really need to listen to me, Cause I’m telling you the truth. I really mean this! I’m okay! Trust me. I’m not okay I’m not okay I’m not o-f***ing-kay I’m not okay I’m not okay” -I’m not okay (I promise) My Chemical Romance (Selena’s point of view) Why does life suck so bad? I thought. I heard Jordan tapping on the glass, and I walked over and let him in. “I don’t want to talk right now.” “Listen, I’ll leave if you want, but I know something is up…your music choice betrays you.” he said with a wink. “What’s wrong? Please, I want to know.” “Go away” I said, not harshly, but with a sad tone. “Alright..I’ll seeya Selena. Don’t do anything you’ll regret- I’ll be back tomorrow.” I started to tell him not to leave, but he was already gone. This wasn’t going to end well- I already knew that though. “Why can’t you ever back down, Why can’t you just shut your face? Oh god the feelings I feel, Would get me thrown in the cage. You’re the one, who’s always screaming at me, I’m the one who keeps your life so care free. What the f*** more do you want me to be? Why must you do this to me?” -Counting on me KoRn Oh God... just shut up already dad... I thought. “And furthermore, your clothes are atrocious. Why must you always wear black?! Black pants, black shirt, black and purple hair, black eye-liner, black lipstick…” My dad finished. “SHUT….UP!!” I screamed. “Just get out of here…leave me alone. I hate you, don’t you get it?!” “What was that?!” my dad raged-he had that little bulge sticking out of his head-that’s how I knew I was in for trouble. He reached out and slapped me across the face, threw me down, took a knife from my dresser and started cutting off my hair. I screamed until he was done. Screamed. “That’s it…you’ve really done it now…you’ve just lost a daughter.” I choked, trying to sound strong. (Jordan’s Point of View) It became night again…I had returned from Selena’s, and sleep had taken me once more… I am awakened from my trance in my secret spot when I get a text from Anthony. ‘Hey bro, sorry I missed your text. You okay? I can’t believe they did that... There’s someone I know, I met her today-she’s really nice. I want you to talk to her okay? I’m pretty sure you’re gonna fall in love with her. ‘ ‘…okay…what’s her number?’ ‘don’t text her tonight…talk to her in person first. I’ll introduce her to you.’ ‘thanks bro…I actually have something to look forward to now.’ ‘no problem…’ (The next day) “Selena, is that right?” She giggled.“Yeah, and your Jordan right?” “Yeah…” And we continued to talk-for over 4 hours-we didn’t even realize the time that had passed. I already knew I loved her, and I knew she loved me.…someone who actually loves me…it was so… different. I walked her back to her house and as she went in, I caught her by the arm, and pulled her in, kissing her. She smiled widely and said she loved me-and I told her I loved her too. That got me a kiss back. I smiled and hugged her, said goodbye, and walked home. We actually live quite close together. (Selena’s point of view) Oh God…I thought, standing on the roof of my house, easing towards the edge. I was slowly being pushed by the cold wind, feeling the sweat rolling down my legs. Why again was I doing this? I second guessed myself…but it was too late; I was already committed to this. (Jordan’s point of view) 18 hours had passed when I showed up at Selena’s house. What surprised me was that she was standing on a ledge, 40 feet over concrete. I ran-ran as fast as I could, bounding up her stairs, ripping open the door, jumping over her bed, and pushing through her door onto the balcony. “Selena! Nooo!” but I was too late. She jumped. (Selena’s point of view) As I leapt, I felt kind of good. But it also felt like all of me didn’t go with my body. I gave a quick look up and swore I saw an angel. It looked…solemn. I couldn’t tell- a few nano-seconds later I hit the ground. But…everything wasn’t black…I was standing. Looking. Gaping at the pooling blood, the crumpled body. I walked back inside of my house, now, not quite sure what to think-I was confused at first. Imagine what I felt like after I walked right through my mother. She didn’t even seem to notice it. She walked right out to the backyard and straight towards my limp body. She stopped. I couldn’t quite tell what she was doing. It seemed like she didn’t care that I was dead. Then she dropped everything in her hands, ran up, collapsed by my corpse, and screamed as loud as she could. My father came rushing out not knowing what to think. But when I saw him look upon my dead body, an obvious expression of “What have I done…” came over him. “What did you do to her?!” my mother asked. “I didn’t do anything” he responded. “Then why is her hair cut? Why is there a slap mark on her face?!…Oh God…what have you done?! You killed our daughter!” She screeched. “No honey…she killed herself.” “What the Hell is your problem?!” I screamed, though I knew nobody could hear me. Jordan walked out of my room, and stopped at my backdoor. ”No. You killed her…you’re a monster.” He said in a quivering voice. “How do we know you didn’t push her out the window?” My Dad returned, in flustered anger. “Because unlike you, I loved her. Unlike you, I tried to save her…I tried to save her from…YOU.” Jordan shot back. “If it wasn’t for you she wouldn’t be emo and killed herself. But she looked up to you so much she tried to be like you.” Dad roared, continuing the battle. “If it wasn’t for me, she would’ve killed herself long ago. She shared stuff with me that she didn’t feel she could share with you. And if she didn’t share them with me, and if I didn’t guide her, it would have stayed inside ‘till she broke. And by that I mean, kill you, everyone at school, then herself. You’re a monster if you blame me. Do you hear me? MONSTER! I saved your daughter, and a lot of other kids. I can see why she hated you.” Jordan said, then spat at him “and you” he pointed at Selena’s mother. “I don’t blame you for wanting a divorce. I wouldn’t stay anywhere near this creep.” He started to walk off. “Thank you Jordan.” I whispered, my voice catching the wind. But, instead of Jordan completely missing it, he stopped, and looked right at me. “Selena?” he murmured. “I’m right here, Jordan...” but he kind of shrugged, and kept walking. He sat at the foot of my bed in my room. Crying. Punching and kicking the air. “Listen, Selena. I don’t know if you can hear me, but I want you to know-I still love you. You’re a great person. It’s not fair that you had to suffer for your fathers mistakes. And I hope you made it to the black parade…I just wish, I could have gotten here a few seconds earlier.” He cried, shaking his head. I sat down next to him. I began to cry, leaning on his shoulder. “Thank you.” I said, barely audible to even me, but he still heard it. “I know I made a mistake. I just wish I could take it back. As I fell, I saw you on the balcony…you looked like an angel.” I really hoped Jordan heard that. I sat alone for a while, until I stood up and walked to Selena’s nightstand. The rose. The fake rose that I gave her and told her I’d love her until it wilted. I looked at it now…it seemed so bright and full of life…it almost looked real. I picked it up, and walked home. It began to pour down rain outside. “Even Gods weep because of your death, my angel” (Six Days Earlier) “Best day of my life” I said. All day, talking and swimming in my special spot by the ocean. Selena,I was pretty sure, was the first one besides me to be here. We had retreated to the cliff top, looking out at the endless expanse of ocean. The sun began to fade behind the horizon, and the sky was filled with amazing hues of red and purple. “Jordan? Can you promise me something?” “Anything angel.” “Can you promise me that nothing will ever change between us? That you’ll love me forever?” “Of course baby. I love you now and forever, with all my heart. I promise.” “Then our best day ever is complete.” Selena said as I lie down on my back. And she then rested her head on my chest, and we drifted off to sleep. (Present) The next day, I woke up early and went back to my secret spot, making sure not to miss the sunrise. I made two wooden crosses and dug them into the ground where we rested against the rock on our best day ever. I wrote a poem, framed it, and put the poem in between the two crosses. It read: “My perfect wings, Once fit for an angel, Are now stained with poison. I need you, Else my ethereal wings will evanesce And I will no longer be your amaranth I will fade away into the background. I will come to you, So that you may mend my wound So you can fill the poisoned -+-hole within me” I dug a vase into the ground and put our rose into it, and buried the stem partially under some rocks to make sure it wouldn’t fly away. Walking over to the cliff, looking on at the sunset, I uttered the words “a promise is a promise baby. Forever is forever…I’ll see you in the black parade.” I spread my arms out and let the wind take me away. And as I fell I looked back up to the cliff… and I saw an angel. Not just any angel, but my angel. So we spread our ethereal wings and we flew. We flew off into our sunset. Free.
On Ethereal Wings
February 27, 2010