Lying as a Lifestyle

March 2, 2010
I lie. All the time and I can’t control. Okay, that’s a lie. I can control it, but the truth is sometimes so much harder to explain. I’m getting better though. I don’t lie as much as I used to or to as many people as I used to. I don’t lie to my boyfriend, about the big stuff, or my best friend, Rory. I don’t lie about really important stuff. But then again, I can’t really differentiate the important from the okay-to-lie-about category.

I used to embrace my imperfection. I mean, it was something I flaunted. Like a medal on my chest, shining bright for the world to see. Then something in me shifted. We changed houses, my parents got divorced, and I hit puberty and had to become a mini mom. All in the course of 3 fast years. Now I am in high school with a boyfriend who would rather cut off his right arm with a chain saw {with NO aesthetic} than to see me upset. And a best friend who is always there for me, no matter what kind of mess I bring her.

I mean, I lie about little things. Like did I eat breakfast? Yes. Knowing good and well that an Eggo waffle made me nauseas so I threw it away. Or did I walk the dog? Yes. Knowing that I only let him out of the laundry room a few minutes before I was asked.

I don’t like lying and I don’t want to do it. I want to tell the truth. I want to say “No. I am NOT fine,” when someone tries to make conversation with me. But lying is easier than explaining why I have a single parent household {there is nothing wrong with that} and why I have to baby sit an 11 year boy and his two friends. Easier than explaining why some nights depression just hits me like a wave and I cry for hours on end for no earthly reason at all. And lying gets me a better response. Better than seeing pity or sympathy in someone’s eyes. Better than inviting someone to give me a hug, pat me on the back and say “It’s gonna be all right. You just gotta hold on a little while longer.” Better than having to say “ I am fine; really. I can handle it.” and see someone shake their heads in a way that means they are pretending to believe me.

I want to tell Rory and my boyfriend that no, this morning I did not brush my teeth or wash my hair, because today I just don’t flipping care. But that would get odd looks and whispers. Lying is now a lifestyle for me. A routine that I go through every morning. I keep journals of what happened each day. Only for the sole purpose of remembering what lie I told to what person. I want to tell the truth. Really I do. But telling the truth would mean letting people in past the surface and alarms go off when that happens. My subconscious sabotages relationships when I tell the truth. So you see, lying isn’t just a way of life for me, but also a way for me to protect others. Not to mention myself.

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This article has 4 comments. Post your own now!

Invaild_Kt said...
Mar. 22, 2010 at 4:54 pm
I must say that I can realte to this article.. a lot. Becasue lyeing and going into detail is easier than explaining... Like I want to tell the truth, and tell everyone how I feel, but it's a lot eaiser said than done. I agree with this article and loved it. It's like you wrote what I was feeling all down without even knowing lol.
chamomile replied...
Mar. 23, 2010 at 12:45 pm
Thank you!!!! I just wrote how i feel sometimes.Thank you sooooo mch. Give me another topic to write about and see if i hit that nail on the head.
Mercedes B. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Mar. 6, 2010 at 10:08 pm
I love the title and the concept, but I think this article has a lot more potential than you're currently giving it. I know everyone says "show, don't tell" but it is a priceless and timeless piece of advice. Right now you're simply reporting on some personal information. The reader needs to feel engaged and involved, the reader needs motivation to keep going, to see an honest glimpse into your life. Try more specific examples in place of explaining. Saying you alwa... (more »)
chamomile replied...
Mar. 7, 2010 at 5:10 pm
wow! amazing advice. i will mostly definitely take it to heart. i have already been thinking about points i want to change and your critiscm is just icing on the cake. thank you. stay tuned!
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