Just Keep Wearing The Mask

January 28, 2010
Are you freaking kidding me?

Nooo. I don’t want to exist. You can’t make me. I won’t do it. I won’t.
7 o’ clock in the morning. Having to cram all the homework, the homework I just could not do last night, here, on my desk, in that classroom, before first period. This work, then more, then more, and more, it never stops, never ever stops. What the hell is wrong with me? Why can’t I do any of this anymore? Why is life so complicated?
Life, like a ferris wheel. One moment you’re on top of the world, all happiness and ready to go, and then the next moment you’re back down in hell again, down, up, down again. I think mine’s stuck. It won’t go up. The ferris wheel. The d*** ferris wheel.

Oh no, oh God no, don’t tell me I left it at home. “I’m checking them first thing in the morning.” The memory of the teacher’s flat voice, ringing in my mind. No, no, no, I can’t do this. It’s too much. It’s just a stupid piece of paper. It doesn’t matter. I won’t cry over a piece of paper. But that’s it. Too much, too much going on, in my head, writhing in my mind, I can’t keep up. I want to break down, break down right now, break down and sob, but, s*** I can’t do that. I’m at school. Where would I go? I can’t go anywhere. And people would see. Then come the questions. No questions. If I get the questions I will scream.
Oh crap, no, someone’s coming. Pretend like you’re normal. Pretend like your life is not messed up right now. Deep breath. Calm. Peace. You can do this. You can.
No. I can’t do it.
But you have to. Just keep wearing the mask. Pretend like you’re not going to break down any moment. Everything's dandy. No feeling. Nothing. The mask. The mask that you always wear. Put that empty smile on. No one would notice. Your eyes show nothing. That tear never rolled down your cheek. It did not sting. It never existed. The. Mask. Keep wearing the mask.

Just keep wearing the mask.

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This article has 5 comments. Post your own now!

Fayrouz This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jun. 4, 2010 at 3:40 pm
that reminds me of how i feel when it's tough to balance school and life...i'm usually good at that, not to brag, but sometimes, it's just tough. clearly, you weren't writing this for compliments about how awesome your gerunds were or how subtle the alliterations were...good job :)
miracle_of_hope replied...
Aug. 17, 2011 at 8:21 pm
ZebraWithoutStripes This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 20, 2010 at 4:36 pm
oh gosh i feel like this a  lot. thanks for writing what other people just think.
BelmaH said...
Feb. 12, 2010 at 6:16 pm
wow. i really felt the powerful emotions in that piece! it was amazing, and impressive, i just love the way it flows. this is awesome!!!!
Drama_Queen13 said...
Feb. 9, 2010 at 3:47 pm
Wow. That was fantastic! THAT'S what you come up with spur of the moment?! I'm almost scared (in a good way) to know what your stories sound like when you put ALOT of time into them!
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