The Screams Of A Silent Girl Part 1

January 14, 2010
By ShantelTheAuthor BRONZE, North Carrollton, Mississippi
ShantelTheAuthor BRONZE, North Carrollton, Mississippi
4 articles 0 photos 13 comments

Favorite Quote:
If you think you can do it go for it!


Ten seconds. Ten seconds. Till he comes. I braced my self for the hit. In 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. WhACK. I get slapped across the face. Making me fall on the floor. "Get in there and cook my breakfast right now." Yelled my dad Alan. He exits my tiny blue room. I have a single bed, a desk, and a closet filled with hande me downs. I walked towards thekitchen. There is only one word to decribe my kitchen . Ridicolus. Ragdey cabniets, insects and rats every where, and our refirgirator almost empty. I grabbed the eggs and bacon. I can sum my whole life up in forty seconds. MY name Belinda Montez i'm 15 years old. I live in an a torn down small two bedroom house.My "Parents" Are abusive and i've been RAPED. Yes, RAPED by my father. He was drunk. He nevered did it again. He took the only thing I had left my innocence. They only abuse me if they're drunk or just because they want to. I set the plate of food in front of them. THey said they were going to kill me when i turn eighteen, cause they won;t be able to get anymore welfare checks off of me. So, I have 1,095 days left to live. I can't runaway . No money. I can't kill them i want to go to heaven. I'm totally alone, I had a friend but she left a year ago. YOu think i would be sucidal, but NO. I have a list of things to do before that time comes.


1.Have my first kiss

2.get a boyfirend

3.tell my story



That's it. I grabbed my withered book bag and headed out the door.

i hate school. Every one calls me the poorgirl because of my clothes. I wear the same thing everyday really. A white t-shirt, Jeans, converses, and a withered old sweater. This year i grew mentally stronger. So, if anyone messes with me i'll knock them out. No talking. No questions asked. "WELCOME BACK LIONS!!" i read on the school's banner. "Name" barked the school's secretary. "Umm Belinda Montez. ."I replied. She quick;y hands me a scehdule. First period English. MY teacher Mr HAyes. Do iike him?No! WHy? He's arrogant and cocky. He wears tight white shirts, kakhi pants, and 50's styled shoes. He's forty years old and a virgin. "Alright my class won,t be easy." "Tihs is the hardest class you will take."

My other two classes were normal. Fourth period teacher Ms. Londell Is a mixture of Don King meets Rachel Ray. She's nice. "Okay class i want all of you to fill this paper out." "I Want to know all about you" She said handing the papers out.

"When your done turn them in." She added with a bright and friendly smile. She took a seat at her desk. I nevered smiled like that. I want to but I can't. I looked at the paper.



Your Name: Belinda Montez



Parents Name: Alan and Melanie Montez



Intrests: Blank



Phone number:2056905



Address: Mable Drive 305



Give me a brief synopiss about yourself: Blank


I got up and turn in my paper. I felt fifithteen paris of eyes staring ot me.

"This is it?" She asked dissapointed. "Yes, ma'm" I mummbeled. She sighed. Alright go have a seat. What does she wants me to say. Hi, I'm Belinda Montez. I'm fifthteen years old and my parents abuse me. The kids at school make fun of me and i'm toatally alone, and I was RAPED. Yeah no way. Fifth period is lunch I eat alone.


The author's comments:
I love to write

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This article has 20 comments.


on Nov. 26 2010 at 3:30 pm
RockerrChikk., Houston, Texas
0 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
Learn From Your Mistakes.

I Think That The Title Really Doesn't Go With The Story. And Try To Stay On Topic.

on Jul. 16 2010 at 10:19 am
PurpleSpaceCows BRONZE, Woolwich, New Jersey
4 articles 0 photos 5 comments

Favorite Quote:
Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring."
— Marilyn Monroe

Try using the "show dont tell" technique. show the things dont plainly tell. It makes things more intersting, but over all its moving and brings out deep emotions. try stretching it more :)

on Jun. 10 2010 at 4:57 pm
aaaaaqweqweqwe SILVER, Somewhere, Illinois
6 articles 0 photos 67 comments

Hmmm, interesting. First of all, one thing that kind of bugged me: its spelled "fifteen", not "fifthteen". You had a tense change from present to past when you say "I looked at the paper". It should be "I look at the paper." There were some grammar mistakes, but those can be fixed easily. Honestly, I didn't like how you gave away the fact that she was raped at the very beginning. Maybe save it? I don't know.

You have a good idea here, just , I don't know flesh it out and give it more emotion.

If you get the chance, read some of my work :)


on Jun. 10 2010 at 11:45 am
roxymutt BRONZE, Marietta, Georgia
4 articles 5 photos 110 comments

Favorite Quote:
It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see. -David Henry Thoreau

this is a pretty good story but i kinda wish you would put more emotion in it...there seems to be a rhythem but it doesnt vary AT ALL and sometiems you need more flow! i do like this idea  though...its quite interesting

on Jun. 9 2010 at 11:47 pm
Caitlyn_ilovesoftball GOLD, Douds, Iowa
15 articles 9 photos 105 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Hello Cat-i-lynn Mill-ard-o," -friends
"Stop saying that!! My name ain't Cat-i-lynn Mill-ard-o!!" -Me
"Okay, fine, Hello Cat."-friends
(GRRRRR)
----Also----
"You a turtle on steroids!"-friends
"Hahaha, I know" -ME

Interesting, I like it, I would like to see more explainations, but otherwise good start.  I hope theres a "next" or something soon, I want to read on!!

on Jun. 3 2010 at 1:56 pm
theoryofperception BRONZE, Barrie, Other
2 articles 1 photo 12 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined." - Henry David Thoreau

This seems to be the beginning of a very emotional and engaging story! I really enjoyed what you have so far. You've handled this tough topic very well. 

As some people have mentioned, your grammar could be improved, and also the sentences feel slightly choppy.

Maybe reconstruct the sentences so that the flow of this piece is smooth and easy to read without awkward stops. 

Other than that, very well done. Keep writing!!!

~Sarah

 

 


on Jun. 3 2010 at 1:34 pm
LiddoMonsterx3 BRONZE, NY, New York
3 articles 0 photos 4 comments

Favorite Quote:
When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me."

This is awesome ! keep writinq

although you can do many thing;s with your writing ;D


on Jun. 2 2010 at 7:13 am
OfficialApprover PLATINUM, Orefield, Pennsylvania
48 articles 0 photos 1754 comments

Favorite Quote:
Grab life by the balls. -Slobberknocker
We cannot change the cards we're dealt just how we play the hand
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted
It's pretty easy to be smart when you're parroting smart people
-Randy Pausch

It was very interesting, just work on your grammar.  There are some parts where it would be better if you had commas, or semicolins, or colins, but I liked it.

on May. 12 2010 at 8:01 pm
EmilyMichelle PLATINUM, Manassas, Virginia
33 articles 4 photos 90 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Our truest responsibility to the irrationality of the world is to paint or sing or write, for only in such response do we find the truth."
- Madeleine L'Engle

The storyline is great! (but I hope this is fictional) Just watch for grammatical errors and typos. (It helps if you type it on a word processor and then paste it onto Teen Ink.) This is overall a very nice piece. I hope that you will take a look at some of my work! :D

on May. 12 2010 at 10:58 am
BleedingRose PLATINUM, Frederic, Wisconsin
33 articles 1 photo 378 comments

Favorite Quote:
*The darkness holds infinite possibilities.

(mine)

I agree with Courtney.  It's a good story, but you need to work on your writing.  (i'm only trying to help.)  Not just grammar, but how you lay things out and progress into the story.  other then that, good job!

-Rose


on Apr. 30 2010 at 8:00 pm
COURTneyyy27 SILVER, Boise, Idaho
5 articles 6 photos 25 comments
The storyline is good...the whole thing was ok. Not my favorite but not bad. Work on the spelling, correct punctuation, etc. and it'll improve a lot :)

on Apr. 26 2010 at 2:12 pm
angel2745 BRONZE, Sacramento, California
3 articles 1 photo 32 comments
This is great I am excited for the second part. The only thing I could say is Really work on the punctuation, spelling, sentences, etc... it was a little difficult to read. I really liked it, it's emotional but really realistic. Good job! Keep writing!

on Apr. 17 2010 at 6:57 pm
justthtblondie BRONZE, Beach Lake, Pennsylvania
3 articles 16 photos 20 comments
Two words: Love it.

on Apr. 8 2010 at 5:09 pm
laughter222 GOLD, East Northport, New York
10 articles 5 photos 16 comments

Favorite Quote:
the best things in life are always unseen
that's why we close our eyes when we
kiss, cry, and dream.

This sounds like it's going to be a very interesting story if you post more!  I like you're style of writing a lot, but watch for typos =)

on Mar. 29 2010 at 5:30 pm
thoughtfulsoul PLATINUM, El Cajon, California
25 articles 0 photos 49 comments
I really like your style of writing. This was an interesting story. You have me hooked. Are you going to post more of it? If you do I look forward to reading them :)

on Mar. 29 2010 at 2:09 pm
LOST_LOV3_12 SILVER, North Zulch, Texas
7 articles 1 photo 12 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Don't let the world get to you. if you do, you're in for a world of pain and despair."

wow, this was really good. im glad it's not ur lyf tho

on Mar. 9 2010 at 9:56 pm
Loveandboxing PLATINUM, Levvitwon, Pennsylvania
29 articles 0 photos 70 comments

Favorite Quote:
Eat, Sleep, Sing (by me)
Writing is an art few people master it. -me

that realy sucks but i totally understand ive been thru some of that (not the raped part) but could you check out my stories??? Leave comments n rate!!! THANKS!!! :D

Angelkiss00 said...
on Mar. 7 2010 at 8:48 pm
this was amazing, you should totally right more!!!!!!!!!!!!!

on Mar. 7 2010 at 7:02 pm
ShantelTheAuthor BRONZE, North Carrollton, Mississippi
4 articles 0 photos 13 comments

Favorite Quote:
If you think you can do it go for it!

No it isn't it is completely fiction

on Mar. 7 2010 at 5:39 pm
Loveandboxing PLATINUM, Levvitwon, Pennsylvania
29 articles 0 photos 70 comments

Favorite Quote:
Eat, Sleep, Sing (by me)
Writing is an art few people master it. -me

i love it. it madee me cry. plllllzzzzz tell me this isnt ur life! plz!!!!


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