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nightmare

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It started with a notebook. Nyx’s shaking hands grasped her pen as best she could to attempt to write what she was feeling but it hurt too much. Nyx stared down at her rotting, leather notebook as tears flew down her cheeks in a river of warmth. They dripped through the creases in her fingers and onto the tinted page. She shook at her desk, her whole body felt numb. Nyx lifted her head and rubbed her palms on her oldest pair of jeans, she ran her damp hands over her knees, trying to ignore the terrible pain. She shuddered once more, but this time out of anger, anger with herself and her surroundings. Why was she stuck in this body, with this terrible thing called “life”? Weren’t kids supposed to have it easy? Nyx closed her bloodshot eyes, taking shaky breaths. In all honesty, Nyx wanted to scream. Nyx slammed her fist down on her desk, feeling a shock fly up her arm and give her shivers down her tiny back. This wasn’t fair. She was only eight when it started; the pain grew deep within her. every touch made her want to fall off the face of the earth. There was no point in living anymore. The pain exploded at the age of fourteen for Nyx. Her mother worried too much. Her father stressed over small things. Nyx felt unwanted and utterly awful. Tears escaped her closed eyes staining her dark shirt. Nyx slowly slipped from her chair to the corner of her room. She held her knees tightly to her chest as she rocked back and forth trying to sooth this terrible pain. Mental pain had more control. Mental pain took control of Nyx and made her crazy unlike physical that no one could see it was all on the inside. This, this life was unfair to Nyx. Every night she wondered what she did wrong to have such a terrible pain throughout her body.

Nyx’s hair fell down in her face, she pushed the dark brown locks from her eyes as she cried more and more.

“It’s not fair.” She said over and over again. Her eyes closed and she leaned her head against the wall. Nyx’s gaze followed the ceiling watching the room spin before her. If only this was just a terrible nightmare. Nyx let go of her tight grip around her boney legs and she felt them jerk out and fall onto the wooden floor. She bit her lip as pain went through her whole body. There was no escape.

Nyx could hear footsteps of her mother, “Nyx” she called out and Nyx rubbed her eyes quickly and pulled herself to her feet, feeling waves of pain hit her like a tidal wave on a nasty day. The boiling tears that once rolled down her cheeks were gone, she was numb now. She gulped down the lump that stuck in her throat, and stepped toward her bedroom door, each step aching pain went through her whole body. Nyx grasped the wall in hope it would change the pain in some way but there was too much pressure. She twisted,the feeling of sand pouring between her hips. She wanted to yelp, the feeling of her bones were grinding together creating dust for her bedroom made her cringe.

“Hm..?” she managed to mutter without yelping or cursing. Her eyes were boiling now, she was going to blow up at any moment like a ticking bomb. She fell back onto her bed, biting her lip at the fact that her joints just screamed for her to stop moving. Nyx’s mother entered ‘the room, her long hair flowing to her shoulders and her eyes sparkled with tints of worry.
“How are you?” she asked.

Nyx didn’t move an inch but her dark eyes looked at her mother with a look. Nyx’s face turned into the look of a killer, eyes narrowed, lips pursed and frozen waiting for her pray. She laid her head back, looking at her mother, and holding back the smart aleck comment that wanted to escape her lips.

Nyx honestly wasn’t sure of how she truly felt, “I don’t know.” But maybe she did know and she was lying to herself maybe she knew perfectly well, she wanted to disappear from this place called earth – maybe she was in hell, she didn’t even know it. The pain was unbearable now, her jaw was clenched all the time, holding back the screams of pain that wanted to leap from her body and out into the world. Nyx swallowed once and licked her chapped lips. She stared again, staring at the blank wall in front of Nyx’s chocolate eyes.

Nyx was honestly jealous of the wall. No one could escape, no one could leave her alone, and no one could hurt her. In a sense, she was a wall. Nyx didn’t let anyone in anymore; she couldn’t take the loss of a friendship. Her best friend, her dog, zoomed into the room a ball in his mouth and he ran in circles. She wanted to smile, but she honestly could not, the feeling of happiness just didn’t match who she was at that moment in time. She sat up, slowly feeling her bones rub together creating more dust to match her bookcase. The dog called Max came to her feet, she held her palm to his nose ignoring the pain that screamed through her body Max slurped off her hand, as if drinking from his water bowl, he held his cold paws against her pale skin, as if he was trying to hug her arms and tell her everything would be okay again. Nyx moved her gaze back to her mother.

“Alright, fine.” She said, turning and walking from the room with Max trotting off with his toy.

Nyx closed her eyes for a moment, letting her body relax and fall back onto the soft mattress. She held in the cry that wanted to appear in the air, but if she made a peep her mother would be back and Nyx didn’t want to worry her more than she was already. Hot salty tears rolled down her cheeks once more and holding in weeps Nyx’s pain had a mind in and of its self own; it held her body down easily and refused to be forced away. There was no stopping it, not even Superman could handle this. Nyx lifted a hand, feeling the sand in her joints swish and move to new places. Nyx rubbed her dry palm on her sweaty forehead, feeling the uneven bumps of teenage skin.

The pain was unbearable; her body ached with stabbing pain throughout her body. Why was she in this body? Why was Nyx the one to suffer? She shook once more, then slipped off her bed and back to her bright desk. She fell into the chair with a small relief of part of her pain. She could almost feel her pain speaking to her, mocking her telling her she was a bad person a stupid girl. Life wasn’t fair, nyx knew this much. But what had she done wrong? She picked up her thick pen and shook as she wrote.

What have I done wrong? What did I do to deserve this terrible pain? Why was I suppose to get this thing called Arthritis? It’s not fair, life isn’t fair. I knew this when I first heard that I heard the reasoning for my pain. But it was no excuse for what it did to me. My hands aren’t normal, my knees curve, my ankles are shaped strangely, and my elbows pop up to high. I’m too critical of myself. I know that. But it’s something I can’t help.

Nyx dropped her pen; it hurt too much to finish her writing. Her thoughts that zoomed through her head like cars on a highway. She wanted a friend, someone just to be there, to help her to say that they understood. But when would she get that? Nyx wished for this but she knew there was always a down side to wishes. Nyx was just hoping for a friend. Anyone she’d accept if they accepted her for who she was. Who she came off to be and who nyx really was on the inside of her screwed up head.



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