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Self-Hating War

By , LaVergne, TN
"You are the only one that can save us."

The walls were cold and blank. My palms were placed against them. Despite this fact my hands were sweating. The words started to sink in. A gun was placed in my hand. My head lowered, dark brown bangs overlapping my eyes

I can't do it. I'm weak. I'm helpless. I'm futile. I'm invalid. I'm stupid. I'm... I'm afraid!

The next thing I felt was all in the blink of an eye. The older man grabbed the collar of my shirt and thrusted me to the wall. He was wearing a camouflage clothing. It was a jumpsuit. "Don't you dare say you can't do it.. or I'll..I'll.."

I looked up,"or you'll what? Kill me?" He released me and I slumped to my butt. I hugged myself. "Just do it and put me out of my misery.." He looked down at me, glaring. "You're a soldier..." He was saying things in a soft tone. I looked up and saw that he was looking at me with a gentle, sympathetic look. I hated that look. "You have to do this.. you didn't get involved for nothing.. You have the power to end this.."

My head lowered once more. "I killed people.. I injured people.." I looked up, finally snapping. "I've RAPED innocent women and children! It was all for my self gain!" He clenched his fists. "That may be true." His words were laced with anger. I could tell it was because I had admitted to actually raping women and children. I am such a molestor.. a pedophile.. "You hate yourself, don't you?" I was shocked by that next question. I couldn't speak for a while.

"Yes," I admitted. He continued to look down at me. He placed a hand firmly on the top of my head. "That's okay, though! Everybody in this war hates themselves.." I looked up. "I hate myself.." Impossible! He enjoyed the feel of killing! He told me himself at the beginning of this war! "I hate myself for enjoying it.." I knew it.. "That's okay, though! You can make a difference! You are the one that can carry this out!" The ground quaked after he said that. He lost his balance and fell. Even then, he continued to speak. "You fit the physical needs for this!" I hugged myself tighter.. This damn mental break down.. "You are the--!" A gunshot was heard. The man fell to the ground even further lifelessly.

The man that had shot him walked up to me. The male looked down at me, placing the barrel of the gun at my head. "Don't take this personally." My eyes softened.

"I won't."

I can't even remember my own name.. or that man's... That was all I could think about before.....

Bang.





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