Unidentifiable Me

September 16, 2009
What am I supposed to say. To make it better. Can I? May I really make it better? I'll go back to feeling the way I always do. Drowning in myself, coming up for short gasps of air. The times when I let myself go, set aside all I am, just let it drain. This is when I breathe. I fall back into the same pattern. The same pattern. The same pattern. Who stops me? I'll know when to stop because they tell me too. No, stop thinking like that. It's the same pattern. The same pattern. Can't I learn? I was given my own mind, you know.

I keep telling myself to calm down. Reassuring myself that a new day will come, the first step is trying. It will get me somewhere. Somewhere down the road to my dreams and desires. They feel like they will never come. Like walking up stairs, you'll never get anywhere if you don't put one foot in front of the other. This is a step in my life. Something I may eventually overcome. It's meant to be a challenge, a new height to reach. I'll get there, just give me time.

It feels like I'll never get anywhere. If I continue in this frame of mind, that's where I will stay. I'll stay here. Never reach my full potential. Why is this a stumbling block, what are you trying to show me?
I feel incompetent. Doesn't everyone? Incompetent to handle to world. I'll get there, just give me time. I'll travel the world and everyone will smile at me. I'll become well-liked and be honest with myself. These dreams I have of myself will not become a reality until I walk up the next stair, and the next, and the next. Nothing goes anywhere until I push it. Until I push myself out of the deep water I've dragged myself into.

How do I make anyone believe me? How could I be anyone's friend. They've said I don't share myself. What am I supposed to do? Give out pieces of me like Halloween candy? So careless? No. She reassured me. She only wanted to know me. Just to know me. That's all. No strings attached.

I weep with the thought...She only wanted to know me. Is it asking that much? How could I have hurt someone so much. She only wanted to know me.

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