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i sit and hope and pray that someday, <i>someday</i> i'll be <b><i>her</i></b>; that i'll be the one hanging off your arm, that i'll be kissed hello and goodbye, that you'll be there after every class, because i just <i>know</i>.

you drive me insane you know. every time you smile, my heart leaps, and when our eyes meet, i almost die. sometimes i feel like you know my secret. those days are complete hell, because you find any excuse to touch, kiss, and laugh. i can't stand it, i can't stand you, but oh, i still go home and m**** like crazy.

only you can make me do this. i'm worse than a prostitute. on those days, you're nothing but an a**hole, and i'm convinced you do it because you think i'm disgusting. but, there are times when i see you staring and you notice i'm staring right back, that your cheeks turn pink and i'm happier than a fat man with a topless maid. those days are complete heaven.

i was taught, when i was little, that we were all god's children, that if we followed the book we'd go to heaven, that we'd always be loved. i always, <i>always</i> followed that rule, until i was caught on top of another boy with my pants down. where'd the love go? i met you after that. remember, i was new and it was orientation and i ran into you, but that's not important. see, it's what you said that's my mantra, my wake up call, my everything that makes me, me, and you, you: what a lovely face! since when did freshmen get so cute? thinking back now, two years later, it was such a silly thing, but it keeps me going and i found my angel that day.

i go home to an empty house every day and sleep in an emptier bed. often, i think of that night you happened to be in the same bar and gotten drunk. i was the only one who was well enough to take you home, but you wouldn't go. my hands were shaking unbearably from the excitement of taking you to my home. i must have done something right, because when we walked through that door, you started kissing me and i kissed back. then, we were on my bed touching like mad men and i was so hard and so willing and so open that i still don't understand why you wouldn't take me. sometime later i realized you saw through my lie, the morning after, that i had been as drunk as you.

if i try hard enough, i can feel your heat next to me, and it's just enough to let me fall asleep. but other times, my heart breaks because i was so close and you still didn't want me. i took satisfaction in the fact that you didn't tell your girl but more of me hates that you can't acknowledge what we did.

after that, we got close. as close as i'd let us get. i knew you wanted to be friends, but when <i>she</i> started coming, i hated you and gave some lame excuse that i needed to focus on my studies. how you believed that an art student had real studies, i will never understand, but it worked and i was happy, but angry at myself. i had you. you were so close everyday.

there were days you even slept on my bed. if i was brave enough, i'd curl up next to you and pretend we were lovers. i don't think you ever noticed. when i <i><u>finally</u></i> let you see my work and you praised me, i was so proud i could have cried. i ruined this though, so now i sit and watch.

i have a final project. i'm sure you can guess what i'm painting. it's you, it's always you in some form. this time, instead of a mangled figure, you're clear as water and so, so beautiful. i've put my all into this. i love this painting. every time i walk by, it's like walking next to the real you.

your hair is mussed, because you look sexy like that; the tips of your black hair curling like a breath on a cold, cold night. you're wearing that red shirt i helped pick out, because red is your color and i think comparing the shade to the color of our hearts is so romantic. most important of all, you've got that half lidded eyes and smirk that makes everyone comfortable. i go from high to low creating this.

there's no surprise, as i show the class my work, when everyone immediately recognizes you. i can only stand up there, hands wringing together, waiting for someone to say something. no one does. i wait, anxiety running high, but i could care less about the grade. the most important moment of the last twenty one years of my life is happening soon.

when i approach the courtyard, students are everywhere, and i'm convincing myself this is for the best, and by the time i'm halfway to you, i'm strung tighter than a net. i'm crying, f*** i'm crying; huge tears pouring out of my eyes like a broken dam, and there's snot running out of my nose. i can only hope i don't dirty your image.

you have an odd expression and she looks angry and people are talking loudly and i'm confused and afraid. i shove the canvas into your arms and i know i look pitiful and gross but i tell you the secret that holds my soul. i turn and run. i'd be lying if i told myself i didn't care, but i can't handle it anymore.

i don't make it far. you catch me outside the gates. you try to pull me close, but i won't let you, because i think i'm going to get hit. i think she's there and yelling, but i can't be sure, because i'm still crying. you're saying something but i can't hear you because the sound of my heart is beating too loud.

when you pull me closer i hold on as hard as i can. you're my anchor and if i let go my legs will give. i can't believe the words coming out of your mouth, i can't let myself, won't let myself. she takes a swing at me and when you block it, i notice how big you are and how small i am. i pass out.

i don't know how we get to my house or how we get in. you look so frightened when i jerk awake. i'm covered in feather light touches and kisses and i start crying again. you hold me like a baby and i'm so, so confused. i try to ask, but you tell me to hush and i do. anything for you.

i don't remember falling asleep, but i know i dreamed of you. i always dream of you. this time, i was in the courtyard, you were there, everyone was there. what i did was stupid and childish, but i just...everything went horribly, horribly wrong. you wouldn't take my offering and you hit me. i woke with my face stinging.

i watched as you slept, chest bare and rising slowly. time passed and i moved as close as possible and laid my head on your arm, giddy that i'm able. but, why? none of my questions had been answered. doubt that you were humoring me tore through my body. i pinched you awake.

you knew what i wanted. with one request-cigarettes, your addiction- i got my answer. you had been watching, always watching. <i><b>she</i></b> had been a cover since that <b>night</b>. you couldn't tell anyone because you were afraid of ridicule, of change, of opening yourself.

we talked that day and i learned all there is to you. you'd been with other boys before, i'd never been intimate with a girl. my parents disowned me, you'd been humiliated. i said i loved you and promised to never, ever hurt you. you promised love and support in return.

i still didn't understand how everything happened so fast, but i didn't care because we were finally making love. you were so warm and hard and perfect. we fit together like a puzzle and i couldn't ask for anything more mind blowing than being with you. it was wonderful.

i still watch and wait, but i go home to a warm bed and warmer arms. in a few months, we'll be free from curious stares and angry ex-girlfriends. you continue to take my breath away, and i'm delighted you're anxious when i'm gone.





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twiggen said...
Sept. 23, 2009 at 5:33 pm
is there a way i can edit this?
 
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