What Matters More, 1

August 14, 2009
By Anonymous

When everything is silent resting their minds, I lie awake thinking over my day and life. Nothing to do in the hot summer air, but star at the ceiling as if something will happen. After awhile I pick up my phone and ponder who could be continence at this hour. My mentor Chris, (who is now sixteen/seventeen) sure he would be. I had not talked to him in two years but he was always an older brother to me. However, the reply was not from him but the phone company saying that number is not in service. I hope that Sally, my friend from kindergarten would be up. She is always up doing something illegal. I texted her and sure enough she was up drinking. After a few texts, her older sister chimed in. We talked about my boyfriend and common girl things here and there when I just asked her what was up with Chris' phone. With out a helpful answer I lied back in my bed to look back at the ceiling. About an hour later, my phone buzzed and it was Chris! I had no clue what I was getting myself into by answering that one text.

We talked about my problems and my life now as you would to an older brother. His reply was a brotherly one: "If you ever feel like drinking or cutting again text me I am here for you, I mean it. I really care about you kid. You were my favorite person in your grade." I felt like he was protecting me, that he truly cared about my well-being. We exchanged photos for our phone caller id. He looked real dressed up for it being one in the morning, but it was just what he had worn that day. Then he asked me what I was wearing right that moment because we were on the subject of clothes. Being very careful of my answer, I said a shirt because although he was like my bother he is still a guy. My simple answer still did not help; he thought it was hot, and then said sorry. This changed my thoughts and feelings. I was taken by surprise and out of breath but I thought that we could just roll on the conversation and get over that awkward comment. I asked him why sorry and told him that I had been asked much more interesting questions. After that, he went on talking about how hot he remembers me, and how badly he would want to see me with out anything on. That was not brotherly at all so I panicked and said I had to go to bed.

I went around absently the next day doing all my chores while thinking about the conversation I had had last night. Had I done something to provoke him, maybe I even made the situation worse by not saying anything. He could have been drunk. That was a good chance with anyone I know. As I stalled so I would not look to egger to text Chris, I washed my face, brushed my teeth, and listened to Michael Jackson. At eleven twenty when I could not wait any longer, I said “Hey” hoping the other night's events would be forgotten. It was clear the conversation was not when instead of a “Hey, what's up?” he asked me if I was a virgin. Apparently, we were starting where we left off, and yet again, I was in a difficult situation. He was my best friend my brother and yet he likes me. In addition, it did not help because I have always had a much stronger "thing" for older guys and Chris was not bad looking at all. He has a body of a model but the face of a real man and he was big and mighty strong. He seemed like he cared for me and yet he liked me, the perfect combination!

I kept digging myself into a deeper hole every text. I ended up giving him my address and every time he would suggest something that I knew was bad, I never said no. not once in the hole conversation. I texted my friend who is in high school now and had been through everything under a blue moon. First, she was proud of me and soon after telling her more of the story, she became very solemn. She saw what was really going on behind the smoke and mirrors. She had seen it happen to me too many times before. Chris was using me. He wanted to make it his project to take my virginity and then forget about me as if I am just some new shoes he wore down until the weren’t new anymore. Seven of my eight boyfriends had done the same, she was always there to witness the aftermath, and Chris was just going to be heartache. She told me once I let him have it I would always have a connection with him that he would never have. I would never get it back and he does not care for me. He just does not see me as a little girl anymore he sees me as a girl almost going into high school that he can use. I looked at his texts again after that and saw what she was saying. I was so let down and sad. What was I going to say, I wanted to be cared for so badly and although his kindness and concern was fake, I wanted it so bad.

I am just what he wants to use. He is just what I want for a serious relationship. I have no idea what to do. Should a go willingly to be used or should I say that enough is enough and that I am not going to be use again. I got a text message, its Chris.

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