Jessica Toensing

September 3rd, 1996

The 20 month war has ended just a month ago. Those were very dark times. During those times I gave birth to my third child. My oldest, Mairbek, had to stop going to school ever since my husband and I have lost our jobs. He was a handyman and I helped richer people with their laundry. I was let go first. Then a few weeks after, he lost his. It deeply saddens me that my other two might not ever get the chance to go to school. My second child, Aamnat, has just reached the age that she would be able to start schooling. My youngest girl was born into a world of dark times. My poor baby won’t ever get any chances unless we can find a way out. We named her Kurbiika, proud, because she is something I am proud of. She was born in a time of darkness and so far it hasn’t bothered her. She is a year old. Six years younger than Aamnat, and twelve years younger than her brother. My husband is out looking for work so that we can all have our one meal a day. The portions have gotten smaller and smaller. I have to go, Kurbiika needs to eat.

September 5th, 1996

My husband, Elbek, still has not found a job. He is working at jobs for a day and then having to find a new one the next. It is very stressful. The declining economy is not helping us or any others in this place for that matter. I remember the days when the economy was just fine. Those were the days. Elbeck and I had steady jobs. The kids could go to school. Everyone was somewhat happy. Then the war hit. It was terrifying. I had to be strong for my family. The day I had been laid off was the hardest. I can still remember Ms. Dudaev told me. She said, “Nurbiika, I’m very sorry, but I have to let you go.” The thought of it still makes me tear up and that was over two years ago. She would still give me work at times. It then became to much for her. Don’t think about this Nurbiika. It will only make you cry. Think of something happy. On the bright side, in a little while it will be Aamnat’s birthday. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to get her anything special. Elbek has returned. He looks very somber. I must ask what is wrong and then I will return. …....

September 17th, 1996

Elbek told me a few days ago  that no one is taking him for work. I have been too busy trying to find food that I haven’t been able write. We then further discussed leaving Chechnya. It would really sadden me. I was born here, he was born here and all of our kids were too. My whole family has lived here for a very long time. We would be leaving behind our family history. My history. If we do end up leaving, I hope to preserve it and keep teaching it to our kids. I must think. What would be best for the family? I must put family first. Family first. If I put family in front of everything, then it would be best for us to leave. My husband has wanted to leave for a while now. I will go tell him and we will start to plan. I really hope it doesn’t take to long.
September 30th, 1996

It has been one month since Chechnya signed the Khasavyurt Accord. This wonderful agreement marked the official end of the war. The whole country was celebrating. I remember that day like it was yesterday. We were finally done with the war business. Chechnya needed to be done. Russia had destroyed so many beautiful things in our beloved country. They had called a ceasefire eight days before they signed it. Russia has been slowly pulling its troops out of Chechnya. They will hopefully all be gone soon. Today is also Aamnat’s birthday. We had a small celebration. It wasn’t much but she appreciated it anyway. It was more than we could give her during the war. The only real present that she got was a little bigger portion of food than normal. 

October 10th, 1996

Elbek and I have been talking and have completely decided on leaving the country. Unfortunately, Chechnya is not that safe. It hasn’t been for a long time now. There are warlords and people are disregarding the laws. I don’t know what else is to come. We still have choose a place that will take us as refugee’s. We told our kids last night. Mairbek and Aamnat complained. They have friends here and don’t want to leave them. Kurbiika didn’t know what was happening. All she knew is that her siblings were angry and crying. That meant that she would yell and cry. It turned out to be a long night. It took a lot of explaining but they see our side, to some extent. I hope they will understand soon.

October 21st, 1996

We have decided to move to London, England. It is far away from Russia and any bad things that are happening here. The kids are still upset with us for, I quote, “taking their lives away from them” and “stealing them from their friends”. Mairbek is the most upset. He hasn’t talked to Elbek or I for few days. He makes Aamnat talk for him. I remember doing that once. He should get over it soon. I hope he does.

October 25th, 1996

We have started to prepare for leaving. My son still won’t talk to me. He seems to have convinced his sister. Aamnat will only talk to me when necessary. Oh well. Kids are stubborn. Kurbiika is nearing her second birthday. It is in a few months. I hope to be out of here by then.

November 13th, 1996

Elbek’s brother, Gaybek, visited us today. The kids have not seen much of him. We have had limited contact with him for a reason. He is a Chechen separatist. He brought some gifts for the kids. He has no family and somehow kept his job. The gifts he brought are completely useless. After the kids had gone to bed, we told him of our plan to leave the country. He nodded along as he listened. When we were done, he lashed out on us. He told us that we are horrible people for leaving Chechnya. For leaving our parents and taking our kids out of their home. He then stormed out. I am very worried. He never should have come here in the first place.

November 20th, 1996

Some people have just come to my house. They asked if Elbek was at home. I answered them. When I asked why, they told me what happened. It was few days ago on the sixteenth. An apartment building was destroyed. It had been housing some Russian border guards. They don’t know what caused the blast. They believe it was the Chechen separatists and they are trying to find the people responsible for it. By the time they were about to leave Elbek came home. They told him why they were here and what was to happen. He tried to tell them that he had no part in it at all. They didn’t trust him. They took him for questioning. I can’t believe that they have taken him. The incident didn’t even occur in Chechnya. It happened in Kaspiysk, Dagestan. After he was gone, I thought of his brother. Then it hit me. His brother was part of it. They look enough like each other for that to work. That just made me dislike his brother more. If, no, when he gets back, we will get out of as soon as possible.

November 27th, 1996

It has been seven days since they took Elbek. The kids don’t understand. They just want their father back. I want him back. This is too stressful. We haven’t had a somewhat decent meal in at least four days. I need to get out.

November 30th, 1996

He still has yet to return home. I need him to come home.

December 2nd, 1996

I need Elbek. He still hasn’t returned. I have no way to contact him. I hope he is okay. No one has come to tell me if he is dead. I feel bad for saying that but with the way the country is now, it is very possible. I don’t know what I would do if he died. How would I care for the kids? How would we leave? I am going to cry. The only good thing left in my life is the kids.

December 14th, 1996

He is finally back. After being gone for almost a month he looks very tired. He got home and ran to me and the kids. We are all crying. We are finally a family again. Elbek and I are still planning our move. I hope it all goes smoothly. We plan to leave within the next few months. I will not let anything else bad happen to my family. We have been through too much already.

December 21st, 1996

We found out that his brother is the person who was at the bombing over a month ago. I feel like a huge weight was lifted off of my back even though I knew he was innocent. It seems that people’s kids are getting kidnapped. I am hoping that doesn’t happen to us. I have no idea what I would do without of my children.

January 1st, 1997

We have been so busy planning for our “move”. I can’t wait to leave. We have set a date for our departure, August 12th. That day will not come soon enough for me. I will be an extremely long wait. I will have been waiting to leave by that date for about two years. The last time we were ready to go, Elbek wouldn’t let us go because I was pregnant. I am ready to go now before anything bad happens.

January 15th, 1997

My son just came in crying. He hasn’t cried in years. I asked him what was wrong and he told me that Aamnat has been taken. I don’t know what to do. I was hoping that this horror would just pass by us. The other families that a child has gone missing from, they… they… well… they haven’t heard… heard… from anyone. I am starting to cry myself. I keep telling myself that we will get her back. Trying to convince myself that nothing bad will befall her. No matter how hard I… I… try to… well…. convince myself… myself that nothing will… will… happen to her, I just can’t believe it. My daughter is missing. My daughter in missing. My daughter is missing. I can’t even fathom. MY DAUGHTER IS MISSING! How will this affect us all? The tears are now falling freely. How… I can’t do this.

January 16th, 1997

When Elbek came home and saw me sitting on the ground crying my heart out he came over to comfort me. Once I told him why I was crying, he just held me and the other two kids. He tried to be brave and strong. We all slept in the same bed that night. Aamnat is gone and I couldn’t bear leaving Mairbek and Kurbiika alone. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if they are all gone. I can barely live with myself for the fact the Aamnat is gone. I can’t even think of where she is or what could be happening to her. No, Nurbiika don’t think like this. It seems like it is just starting to hit Elbek. He is trying to stay strong for not only my sake, but the kids as well. He is starting to cry silent tears. He must always be strong for me. I will go comfort him.

January 26th, 1997

She is still missing. I still don’t have a grasp on it. This is all too much. Although the plans to leave are coming along well. We have set the date back so we won’t leave without have ample time to look for our daughter. It has been set to October 23rd. I would like to leave sooner but my daughter is more important. That thought makes me feel guilty.

February 2nd, 1997

The Chechen Republic of Ichkeria will soon be in the leadership of Aslan Maskhadov. He was a leader during the war so he knows what has happened to all of cities and to all the people. From what I know of him he will be a good leader. Everyone speaks of him in the highest manner. I really hope he helps with the kidnapping issue. Lot’s of people are depending on him. Aamnat is still missing. No news of any kind.

February 12th, 1997

Aslan Maskhadov is officially in office now. I hope he does a good job. Aamnat has been missing for almost a month. I, we miss her so much. It is almost like she died. I hope to god that she hasn’t. I feel like I just jinxed something. I hope she comes home soon.

February 20th, 1997

Today is Kurbiika’s birthday. She is now two years old. I can’t believe it. It is sad that her sister isn’t here. She has started to form some words. She tried to day Aamnat’s name. She misses her but doesn’t know where she could be. I hope she is fine.

February 27th, 1997

Still no news on Aamnat. Mairbek misses her even if he won’t admit it. At night he cries. During the day he acts all strong. He takes after his dad. Always acting the strong person when he really feels like letting it go and feeling weakness. I hope he will so I can tell him it will all be okay. Every time I try he looks at me and tells me he already knows. I have also told him that it is okay to be weak at times. He doesn’t seem to get it. Boys.

March 4th, 1997

I am really starting to worry. Aamnat is still missing. Elbek has contracted a cold. If it gets any worse I don’t know what I will do. Kurbiika is also sick. It is affecting her more since she is younger and smaller. I am really nervous about it. She is so small.

March 10th, 1997

They have both gotten worse. Aamnat is still gone. Mairbek is trying to help. He helps me take them. At night I talk to him about everything instead of my husband. Elbek needs to rest. He stills go out to find jobs. The amount of jobs has started to go up. He brings in food and very little money each day. I believe that things will get better soon. Everything will just go up. Life will get better and present chances when it does.

March 16th, 1997

It’s been more than two months since Aamnat first went missing. I really miss her. It doesn’t help that people are sick. I know that you can’t control what happens in life but is seems like this was all part a huge plan to make my life utterly miserable. Kurbiika is only getting worse and Elbek is about the same. If I had the money to go to a doctor I would have by now! But, I don’t have the money. I will just have to live it out.

March 31st, 1997

My child still has not been found. I don’t think I can wait anymore. I want to go out and kill anyone in my way until I find her. I guess that I really feel this way because Kurbiika died a few days ago. She got really sick and I believe that part of it was that she was so malnourished. I just wrap my head around it. One daughter is dead and the other is missing. I just… I… can’t. My only girls are gone. I am crying. Elbek wants to help. I need to leave this place. I have too many bad memories.

April 9th, 1997

I don’t know what to say. My girls are gone. Some people were just at my house telling me that Aamnat is… well… dea… gone… gone forever. I have been crying ever since they told me. I… this is all too much!

April 15th, 1997

Mairbek is trying to help me. He is doing a good job for someone who is also dealing with grief. I fear that Elbek will be going soon unless I can get him to some health place in a different country. We must leave soon.

April 23rd, 1997

The Russians are blaming us for something that we wouldn’t do. AGAIN! This is why I have to leave. I also can’t deal with all of the emotional pain that is attached to this home of mine. My husband was taken away then he came back. He then got really sick. Aamnat and Kurbiika are both gone. The war we had made it hard to find any type of job. I am going to start crying. I happen to do that often now. It is almost like a bad habit. If anything bad happens to my son I will die inside. These kids are my life. Well, my one child know. I am really crying now.

April 30th, 1997

I have moved up the move to be within the next month. If I don’t go soon then I will have more death in Chechnya. I still want to think of this as my home but each day it gets harder to do so.

May 2nd, 1997

Mairbek and Elbek are both getting ready to leave. I used the money Elbek had kept from his one-day jobs to get us boat tickets. We won’t be riding as wealthy people. We are in the lowest of the low. That is all I could afford. I am grateful that we can leave nonetheless. We will be leaving on the thirteenth.

May 13th, 1997

We are boarding the boat. Elbek is starting to get really sick. He can barely move by himself. We get on last because of where we are to be “kept”. I might not be able to write for a while because we will be crammed together tightly and I must keep an eye on what os left of my family. So, for now, goodbye.

July 1st, 1997

We just got off the boat. Mairbek and I that is. Elbek died from his illness while we were at sea. I will tell you more later. The people in charge here in London want to make sure we have a good reason to relocate to here.

July 4th, 1997

They almost sent us back. In the last minute I convinced them to let us stay, for at least a while. They asked me if I could start working and I tried to explain to them that I am not very skilled. I don’t speak English and they don’t speak Chechen. My lovely son knows enough to tell them. He is now fourteen and is willing to work. They unfortunately will not let him. They say it is because you have to be at least sixteen. It means that we have to let England pay for our stuff. I hate being dependent on the state. If Elbek was here he would be able to get a job. I can’t think about him. It makes me sad and then I start to think about my girls that I had leave in ground all over in Chechnya. Don’t cry Nurbiika. Be strong for your son. He is being strong for you. I will go out and see if anyone needs someone to do their laundry so I can have something to do. I must go. I believe that I will be putting you away for a long time now. So goodbye my dear friend. I have trusted you with my thoughts and feelings. I hope you keep them for me.

January 8th, 2006

My name in Mairbek. I found you in a box of my mom’s stuff. I opened you and read through all of you. I hope you won’t mind. I am sorry to inform you that my mother passed away a few days ago. She was only fifty. It makes me so sad to think that I am the only one in my family left. She did end up finding some work doing laundry. It didn’t pay enough and only hardly covered the rent for the place we lived in. In the summer of ‘99 I found a job and helped. I will leave you now and never touch you again. I will keep this with me for the rest of my life. If I one day have kids, I would be delighted if you would let me use you to tell the story of my life and how hard it was. If you don’t that is okay. I hope to maybe have a special connection with you like my mom did and start to record my thoughts and feelings into you. So, goodbye for now and I hope you will let me in again as a good friend.
-Mairbek Umarov