It was another normal day at Smash Manor. No one had been chosen for battle today, and there was nothing else to do.
That is, until Meta Knight brought a strange looking box on the scene.
All the other swordsmen were struck with curiosity by the sight of the box. It featured an incredibly good-looking elf and a mediocre-looking dwarf stabbing a dragon.
“Cool!” exclaimed Pit. “What is that?”
“It’s my favorite game. It’s called Dungeons and Dragons,” Meta Knight replied.
Cloud broke into a smile, which was not normal for the emo mercenary. “D&D! Sweet! My buddies and I used to play this.”
At that, everyone set up their character sheets and dice, eager to play. But after five minutes, everyone was bored.
“Can’t we do this in real life?” Marth groaned.
“Oh, I know how! It’s called LARPing,” said Link.
Everyone broke into laughter.
“It stands for Live Action Roleplaying,” he continued.
“I call being king!” Meta Knight said, taking the paper crown that came with Ness’s Burger King kids’ meal.
And they were off.
(The following storyline takes place in our heroes’ imagined world. If anything seems a bit unrealistic, that’s purely a figment of a figment of Masahiro Sakurai’s imagination.)
Once upon a time in a far-off land, there lived a king who was so powerful he was banned from tournaments. His name was King Meta Knight, and he was also too small to ride a horse, because his legs were too short. So he had to have a servant named Shulk to follow close behind him with a pair of coconuts to provide the sound effects of the horse’s hooves.
Now, it was at this time that King Meta Knight and Shulk had stumbled upon a great forest. This forest was home to a bounty hunter known as the Black Phoenix. Some said she was made of pure Phazon energy. Others said she was a practitioner of black magic. Most of the others didn’t pay any attention to the lore and just focused on how pretty she was.
(This part was based on a true story. Once I had a Samus amiibo that I nicknamed Phoenix, after one of my laser tag nicknames. One of my brother’s friends accidentally stepped on her, and broke her left arm and both her feet off. Like this if you cry every time.)
So anyway, somewhere in a clearing, the Black Phoenix was polishing her arm crossbow, because back then arm cannons didn’t exist. Out of the corner of her eye, she spotted a puffball with a sword and a blonde, swimsuit-clad Australian guy holding a pair of coconuts.
“Who goes there?” She sprang to her feet, arrows at the ready.
“It is I, King Meta Knight. And this is my trusty servant, Patsy.”
“It’s SHULK!” Shulk shouted, triggered at the fact that the bat-winged blue ball in the mask. “Don’t call me Patsy!”
“Shut up,” Meta Knight said as he pushed his coconut-toting friend into a bush. “Now then…” (Here he looked at the Black Phoenix in an ever-so-vigilante-like way.) “Let me through this clearing.”
“Never!” she answered, c***ing her crossbow.
“Then let’s settle it with a fight.”
“Bring it on, Batman!”
And so, the brawl began. The Black Phoenix repeatedly spammed arrows at her rival, who dodged back and forth in a sort of flamenco. Then, with a flick of his cape, he disappeared. When she tried to look around for him, he cut her arm off.
“Oh, that didn’t hurt at all. It’s just a flesh wound.” The bounty hunter kicked away the arm that was squirting purplish blood all over the grass.
“You like that, huh?” With that, Meta Knight hacked off her other arm.
“Ah, well.” She nudged the arm into a pile with the other appendages she’d lost and grown back. “Who needs arms with legs like these?”
Shulk poked his head out of the bush. This chick had an AMAZING pair of legs. Not to mention a pile of equally toned, equally sexy severed legs. He could form a business selling them as lamps! Or pillows! What man in his right mind wouldn’t want to snuggle with a woman’s leg? He swiped the pile of legs and pulled them into the bush. He was going to be RICH!
“Get on with it already!”
“Yeah, get on with it!”
Meta Knight stared in part disgust and part awe as the “flesh wound” began to pulsate and stretch until it became a new arm altogether.
“Wow, you’re strong,” he said. “How about you join our team?”
“Yeah, sure, as long as I get paid.”
To be continued...