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Rosencrantz Speaks This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine.

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      Hamlet, do me a favor and just sit still for a couple seconds. I guess you never learned your lesson at Wittenberg. I mean they always made you sit in the corner and wear that dunce hat for fidgeting. Sorry, I always forget that you are sensitive about that.

Anyway, Hammy, I need to talk to you. Don’t make that face, I need you to listen for once. I’m supposed to make sure you don’t go jump off a cliff, but how come no one follows me to check up on me? Right, because I’m not a psychopath who talks to himself in the corners of an enormous castle. I don’t understand you; you are the prince of Denmark, and you act like the son of the maid.

Do you want to know something else, Hamstring? You never do anything decisively. You need to think about every possibility a million times over before making a move. That’s why things escape so easily from you. Do you remember that girl from school? What was her name ... Roselyn? You better remember her because I surely do. I recall your feeble attempt to court her. It was hilarious! Looking at the ground you would ask her, “Wh-wh-where is the bathroom?” And she would reply, “The same place where it was yesterday, right behind you.” There’s something I have to tell you Ham-omelet - I might have had a thing with Roselyn. She was irresistible. I had a lot of fun with her a couple of nights, but of course, she could not find out I was connected to you or else she would think I was like you. Occasionally, she would mention a strange lad who crashed into things trying to follow her around. I knew that was you. Honey Ham, you are too slow with the girls, and with everything else, I might add.

Your mother actually thinks you studied at Wittenberg! Poor queen, if she knew that you only made it through because Guildenstern and I did all the work for you. Your philosophical ventures are mere excuses for your permanent state of laziness! If it weren’t for us, you would not have passed. By the way, you never did thank us.

Ham-cake, you really need to live a little. You are uptight and you let opportunities pass by. Not to rub it in, but I know you have a thing with that cutie, Ophelia. Take it easy. Fine, I won’t call her a cutie, but sit still because I’m not finished. When I arrived here at Elsinore, she was complaining about you constantly - how you are strange and fickle with her, and have constant mood swings. You do not know how to treat a lady, but don’t worry about Ophelia. Don’t get hysterical, it’s nothing serious. Besides, she’s crazy about you, literally. I’m setting her straight for you, you know, with a little more experience. Don’t worry, I’ll take care of her. Really, what would you do without me?

This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. This piece has been published in Teen Ink’s monthly print magazine.




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This article has 31 comments. Post your own!

DallysGrrl said...
Mar. 2, 2010 at 5:06 pm:
I luv Hamlet n i thought this was a very funnny and imaginative interpretaion of Rosencrantz. In the play hes a minor character, but i luv how u use his voice 2 make him a major character. haha, i LUV the nicknames. Funny funny. Well, good job, and mayB check out some of my work. GREAT JOB.
 
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Reader:) said...
Dec. 5, 2009 at 5:21 pm:
I love this. In a way it reminds me of Ketcher in the Rye By J.D.Salinger.
 
Modrockerhippie. replied...
May 15, 2010 at 4:36 pm :
Yeah, you know, it reminded me of the same...
 
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Inkling said...
Dec. 3, 2009 at 8:42 pm:
This was very creative! I love that you gave Rosencrantz a character of his own though I doubt he would ever speak to the Prince of Denmark like that if he wanted to keep his head (whoops! too late! :P) Awesome job!
 
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smalltownwrite210 said...
Oct. 22, 2009 at 6:26 pm:
i dont know about you guys but i thought it was hilarious. i love the nicknames for hamlet!
 
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aprilfool6784 said...
Sept. 8, 2009 at 3:48 pm:
i think it was funny and pretty cute!
 
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karapoole@rocketmail.com said...
Mar. 31, 2009 at 3:37 am:
I get it, I played Horatio in a recent production of Hamlet. It was creative and all, but I don't see why it's a top article. I guess people are just impressed if a kid can make Shakespeare references correctly. Good job, but just not that impressive.
 
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iTrumpet42 said...
Mar. 31, 2009 at 1:45 am:
i dnt get what the story is about?
 
Steph0804 replied...
Jul. 19, 2011 at 12:05 am :
If you've read Hamlet, you'll know that Rosencratz was his traitor friend.
 
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NO said...
Nov. 18, 2008 at 3:28 pm:
This story is hard to follow and there is no point to it.
 
MaeFlower replied...
Apr. 10, 2010 at 8:39 am :
Eh.. iTrumpet42 and NO, Have you ever read/seen/at least know the outline of Hamlet.  It will confuse you if you haven't...
 
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