Fairy Fib

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History is written by the victor; Snow White is written by Snow White. The world falsely believes she was a beautiful princess with hourglass curves. Snow White was not the fairest in the land; Snow White was the fattest.
In reality, Snow White was a seven-foot, 450-pound heifer of a woman. She lived with her very attractive stepmother, the center of Snow White’s jealousy. Snow White imagined her as a hideous witch who would conspire against her by speaking her evil plans to a wall mirror. All the townspeople were terrified of the princess, except for an awkward huntsman, who loved Snow White without reason nor condition. His love was wasted; Snow White hated everyone, even the huntsman.
Snow White invented a conspiracy that her stepmother wanted to kill her and promptly fled the kingdom. The huntsman chased after her into the forest, promising the stepmother that he would capture her heart and return with her at his side.
Snow White hid from the huntsman in a small cottage, equipped with seven beds. The house was covered in soot and dirt, absolutely filthy. Snow White figured that if she cleaned up the messy house and cooked a scrumptious meal, the residents might let her stay. She began to sing while she swept and scrubbed. Woodland creatures of all sorts began wandering in to help clean, attracted by her siren song.
Once the house sparkled with cleanliness, Snow White slaughtered all the animals and cooked a grand feast. The seven residents found Snow White snoring, passed out across four beds. The fairy tale really goofed up on the descriptions of the cottage occupants. They were not dwarfs; they were seven, average, 5-foot tall men. Any average human is a dwarf compared to the gluttonous giant that was Snow White. The men were terrified of this intruder. They had no choice but to let her stay.

Snow White just sat at home eating all day while the men went to work in the mines. Eventually her stepmother discovered Snow White’s location and came to bring the princesses favorite snack, caramel apples. Snow White grudgingly invited her stepmother inside, but was overjoyed to see the caramel apples. Snow White had been eating nothing but meat for months so when she wolfed down ten caramel apples, her body could not handle the transition. Snow White fell into a sugar-induced coma.

Years later, when Snow White finally awoke, she found that her stepmother had passed away and that she was forcibly married to the huntsman in an arranged marriage whilst she slept. Snow White spent the rest of her days writing the grossly inaccurate autobiography, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.





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