Drawn to the Ones Who Never Yawn

October 20, 2010
Bden’s P.O.V.

I smile as his lips leave mine. He is adorable and makes me feel like I am worth something; like I am worth loving. All the others had made me feel like s***, like it was my entire fault. His dark brown hair falls over his eyes. His eyes are encircled in black eyeliner, but it is too cute on him. I hold his face in my hands, remembering every curve and indention. I have to commit it all to memory before it is too late. He is rather tiny and feminine, but he is sweet and caring. I could easily overtake him, but I choose not to. I love him. I sweep the hair from his beautifully lit brown eyes and pull his mouth to mine. His mouth is sweeter than any other I’d ever tasted, our tongues dance and my lips mold to his. He has the most incredible lips which led to the most delicious kisses. His hands make their way to my neck, entangling in my midnight hair. I would miss his touch, the way it electrified my skin, and his kiss, how it moved me so. Our lips part, his breathing slightly courser than before.

“Why are you so passionate, today?” Ryro asks in his charming voice, flushed.

“I just want to kiss you and never let go,” I reply, kissing him again. His eyes tell me that he suspects more, and he is right, but he doesn’t pry. He knows I’ll talk when I am ready. He moves on top of me on our little couch and kisses me more romantically than he had ever before. His voluptuous body is an inferno against my ice cold chest; he burns my lips as well. I wrap my arms around his small waist, and he lays his head against my chest. Ryro is the best thing to ever happen to me. I wish I can say the same about me for him, but I am going to break him more than anyone ever could, but it is for the best. It’s all I can do to protect him.

It’s been snowing for a week or two. No snowstorms yet, but one is predicted soon. The scenery is usually beautiful; flowers of all different colors and gorgeous hillsides.

We’ve been together for two years now. Last year we moved in together, in our own little house in Ireland. Ryro always did enjoy the calm. I hold him close to my chest, remembering his scent and his warmth. I hate that I have to lose him, but it’s what has to be done. He holds a scent of roses and a hint of strawberry. I love his smell; it is extremely intoxicating. Leaving will be hard; leaving my entire world. I entangle our hands. He lifts up and kisses my nose, peering at me with those brown beauties of his. I can tell he’s worried about me. Ryro knows me too well. I give him my best smile, but still he knows that it’s not genuine. He sits up and looks at me, yearning to know what disturbs me so.

“Bden, what’s bothering you, honey?” he asks concerned.

“Why do you always suspect that something’s wrong?! I’m happy! Aren’t you?! Or are you just portraying your sadness into me?!” I yell at him out of nowhere.

“Bden, of course I’m happy. You’re never like this. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong! Maybe you’re just lying to yourself!”

“I’m not. I love you.” Ryro says, hurt. I wince at those words. I love you. Are any other words so hurtful?

“Things aren’t working out, Ryan! It’s over!” I yell pushing him off me and standing up. He knows that I’m serious when I use his real name. I’m so sorry Ryro. I don’t mean it at all. I love you. Never forget that. His tiny hand grabs mine, but I swiftly pull away.

“Bden, why are you doing this? Don’t I make you happy?” he inquires, tears filling his eyes. My heart is breaking and so is his. I only want to wipe away his tears and tell him I’m being stupid, but I know that I have to be strong. His tears were always my weak spot. I have to continue. I can’t fail now.

“This isn’t what you wanted! You wanted to travel the world, not settle down! I did this to you! I’m the worst thing that’s happened to you!” I scream so close to tears. Ryro stands and runs in front of me on the way to the front door. His eyes are intent on fixing this, but it won’t work. I won’t let it.

“You are NOT! I wanted to be with you! I didn’t care if we traveled or lived in a box on the street; I just wanted to live with you! You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me! I love you, Bden! I love you!” he shouts in my face. All those words sting at the wound in my chest; everything he just said made all the hurt almost too much to bear. There is only one thing left to do. I have to make him hate me; make him despise my existence.

“Ryan, this isn’t working! I wanted to do other things with my life! I didn’t want to be tied down like this! I didn’t want this life! I’m not happy! I’m leaving!” Tears almost erupt from me, but Ryro runs off crying, his eyeliner running, before he can see how hurt I truly am. Everything I just said was a lie. All of it. All lies. I love you, Ryro. I’m so sorry I had to hurt you so, but it’s for the best. It had to be done to protect you. I walk out the door, crying my eyes out, and break into a run. I have to get away; I have to get away from everything that made my life happy. I run and run, until my legs finally give out. My body falls into the snow, exhausted from my escape: my escape from paradise. I threw it all away, but I couldn’t risk Ryro finding out the real reason behind my actions. I couldn’t let him know the truth.

Ryro P.O.V.

I sit on our bed crying, black leaking into my hands. My soul mate had hated me. He didn’t want this, and how could I have not noticed his unhappiness? I was so blind, but he’d seemed happy. He never once showed a hint of sadness. Not until today that is. What was causing it today? I can’t help but ask myself how I’d f***** up. I don’t want him gone. I love him so much. Maybe he didn’t see it. I bury my head in his pillow, inhaling his wondrous scent of chocolate and lilies. My nose burns from it causing my eyes to flood even more. His scent is one that I’d taken in all the time; never realizing it would be gone. Now, I’m thankful for memorizing it. I open his bedside drawer and look into it, seeing my eyeliner inside, along with a CD. He was never one to keep stuff in drawers anyways. I roll off the bed and walk to the closet. Bden’s black vest and pinstripe shirt are hanging up. His dress pants are right beside them. I take out his vest and slip into it. It holds his scent, and I need that. I need him. I can’t feel complete without him. My head sinks into his favorite vest. I walk to the living room and slouch onto the couch, daydreaming about our last happy moments together.

We’d kissed; my favorite thing to do with Bden. I wrap my arms around my knees and cry into the deafening silence surrounding me. When he was here, it was never quiet. He kept music playing, and I loved that. I want him to hold me and tell me everything’s okay, but I know he’s gone and not coming back. My mind is ablaze in memories of our happiness; our first date, our anniversary, when we first moved in here, how we spent our days. Everything was perfect. At least for me it was. I thought it was for him, too, but apparently I was wrong. He wasn’t happy. But that kiss he gave me before all this, it was special. It wasn’t an “I hate my life” kiss; it was an “I love you” kiss. Maybe I am just imagining it. Maybe it was what I wanted it to be. I’m not sure. I get up and walk into the kitchen, remembering when Bden tried to cook for the first time in our house.

“Its okay, Ryro. I can cook,” he assured me. I looked at the frying pan, worrying about what it would turn out to be. I sat in the living room and ten minutes later, the fire alarm was blaring. I ran in there, and the pan was on fire. I asked him what he’d done, and he simply said, “I added some wine.” He had that smile that could break hearts upon his face. All I could do was laugh at him. He was so silly, especially with that smirk of his across his face. He always could make me laugh.

I miss those days when we were so carefree; when we were so in love. It is all gone now, though. I miss his smirk that always made me laugh, his kisses that made me melt, his scent and touch, his voice, everything. I miss everything about him; how he always held me so close and how he loved me. I lie on our bed and cry desperately for his return. That’s the only thing that can attempt to console me.

Bden’s P.O.V.

I shiver in the snowstorm, desperate for warmth. I want my boyfriend, but know I can never go back. Trudging through the snow, I see my favorite diner in the distance. If I can just make it there, I can hang on long enough to get away from here. My face is numb and my hands frost-bitten. I should have grabbed a jacket, but I couldn’t let Ryro see how I really felt. I pull my arms inside my short sleeved shirt, rubbing them against my chest for heat. My body is freezing, but the diner is getting closer. Only a little bit more until warmth. I walk as fast as I can. This is the third day I’ve been walking; the snowstorm just started a few hours ago. I’ve found that I can’t eat, or sleep for that matter. I can only keep running away. My chest is stinging from all the awful words I said to Ryro. I made him feel horrible, but it was all I could do to get him to let me go. I wish I could take it all back; take his hurt away. The diner is only a few strides away now. I make my way to the doors and realize it’s closed. F***! I search the area for any place to house me until the storm mulls over. Out of my peripheral vision, I see a figure approaching me. I strain my eyes in an attempt to focus and see that familiar face I always woke up to.

“Bden! Bden!” that sweet, innocent voice screams. He catches up to me and pulls me into his arms. I cuddle next to him. “Bden, I thought I lost you, but I found you.” I’m overjoyed, but soon realize that he’s not warm; his body holds no heat. He’s just cold, I tell myself, but I know better. My eyes open to see nothing in front of me. I am merely delusional in this state.

Tears spill out of my eyes and freeze on my cheeks. I wander around still searching for somewhere to stay or my someone to hold.

Ryro’s P.O.V.

It’s been three days without him; his face, his touch, his voice, his taste. All I have is his scent, and it’s fading fast. I sniff his vest closely, digging deep for the little bit of his smell that’s left. I hadn’t taken it off since he left. I’d been on his side of the bed crying, wishing for him, and only getting up to use the restroom. I’d been unable to sleep or eat without him. He was my other half. I sit up and make my way to the window; the snowstorm hadn’t eased up at all. I hope he isn’t out there in it. My arms and legs are weak, but I can’t eat without getting sick, which makes it worse. My eyes are surrounded in black from all the eyeliner smearing, and my hair is a wreck. I walk into the living room to relive our last moment together again. I want him to come home. I want him to be okay. The silence is still boisterous around me. Nothing is the same without Bden.
I hear footsteps on the porch. I rush to the door and pull it open immediately to reveal his smirk. He looks at me with those big brown eyes and says, “I’m sorry. I love you, Ryro. I’m so sorry.” I run and outstretch my arms to embrace him. But as I do, I fall off the steps and land in the snow. I realize I only imagined him coming home. Tears spill into the snow, creating what looks like ink stains on white satin. I bang my head against the ground, weeping hysterically. I want him in my arms again. I only want him to tell me he’s okay. I get up and enter the house again, seating myself on the couch when the phone rings. My hands sprint to the phone, begging for his voice to be on the other end.

“Hello,” I say, holding back tears.

“Hello, is Brendon Urie there?” an unknown voice asks.

“N-No,” I manage to stutter.

“Is this Ryan Ross, then?”

“Y-Yes, why?”

“This is Mr. Urie’s doctor, Mrs. Grant. I need to talk to him about his condition.”

“His c-condition?’ I ask confused. What could the doctor mean by “condition”?

“He didn’t tell you? Well, I’m sorry to say this, but Mr. Urie has cancer. He only has a few weeks to live. I thought he would’ve told you by now. He’s known for at least a month,” the doctor says. My heart falls into my stomach. I drop the phone and run into the bathroom, puking with nothing in my stomach. Once I’m through, everything clicks. That’s why he fought with me. That’s why he left. He didn’t want me to deal with his death. If only he knew that I’d be with him through it all. I thought he did. He did this for me. I’ve got to find him. I can’t let him go like this.
I immediately call Jon and Spencer. I talk to them both, but they haven’t heard from Bden. I can only think the worst. He left without the car. Which means he’s walking. Oh no! What if he’s already dead?! With that thought I grab the keys, jump into the car, and speed away. I search everywhere I can think of. I can’t seem find him. My head gyrates. Where can he be? I pull over and slam my fist against the steering wheel. I can’t let him leave like this. A thought bubbles into my head; the diner, his favorite diner. That’s the only lead I’ve got. I’m taking it. I drive as fast as I can to the diner, but that was at least thirty miles away. There was no telling how much time he had left. My eyes are filled with tears as I drive. My vision is blurry, and I know that’s not good, but I can’t slow down. I have to find him. He has to know I love him.
Finally, I barely see the diner ahead and slowly begin stepping on the breaks. Another car comes out of nowhere, and I don’t have time to stop. I whisper my final words as the cars collide.

“I love you, Bden.”

Bden’s P.O.V.

I hear brakes squealing and cars crashing not far away. I’m shivering and sniffing in the cold. At least Ryro was at home. He wasn’t anywhere near here. I try to get up and see if I can help anyone that may have gotten hurt, but it’s harder than I thought. My body is almost frozen solid, but I manage. I slowly walk to where I heard the noise, stumbling numbly. I look and can swear I see Ryro’s car, but remember it’s a very popular brand. Barely, I see a body lying on the ground, a blood pool underneath them. They have dark brown hair and a scrawny body. My heart falls into my stomach when I realize who it is. Tears flood into my eyes, and I jump to his side. He’s barely alive, but he’s still breathing.

“Ryro! Ryro! Answer me, please!” I cry into the storm.

“B-Bden, is that y-you?” his fragile voice breaking.

“Yes, it’s m-me,” I reply, my voice cracking and me shivering as I grab his hand, “I’m right here, okay? Oh, why did you f-follow me?”

“Your d-doctor called and t-told me the news. I came to f-f-find you,” Ryro said, coughing up a small amount of blood.

“I didn’t w-want you to f-follow me. I wanted y-you to h-hate me. Oh, I’m sorry, babe. I’m so so s-s-sorry,” I weep into his hand.

“It’s o-ok. I unders-stand. I just wanted y-you to know, I-I love you. I wanted to b-be with you through t-this mess.”

“I love y-you, too. I’m sorry. I’ve d-done this to y-you. It’s all m-my fault,” I say shivering even more. I bring his hand to my lips and kiss it. I hate how this is ending, but I know I can’t stop it. I crawl next to him and cuddle into his chest. His body is cold, but in his chest, I am warm; warmer than I have been these past three days. His blood is staining my shirt, but I don’t care. His eyes are surrounded in black and losing their light, so while he is still with me I entangle our fingers and kiss him one last time. There is a faint taste of blood in his perfect mouth.

“This i-isn’t your f-fault, Bden. I l-l-love you. There isn’t a-any other w-way I’d like t-to spend my last m-m-moments than in you’re a-arms,” he whispers, almost all the life drained from him.

“I l-love y-you, too, R-Ryro,” I whisper in reply. He’s an inch from death, and so am I. And he’s right. There’s no better way than to die in his arms. I hold him tight, breathing in our mixed scents, and suddenly, everything goes black. I can feel our hands fall, but through it all, I am in peace, and so is he.

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