The World According To Loony Tunes

August 2, 2010
A sampling of a few college courses in the Loony Tunes universe:

Acme is the only manufacturing company in the world.
The law of supply and demand: if someone demands an Acme product, it will be instantaneously supplied.
And… that’s pretty much it.

A villain never gives up. This would appear to be the product of short-term memory problems, or else they would learn from their mistakes.
The mind’s computing skills run on a time delay system of at least 2 seconds. This results in frequent double-takes.
Abruptly switching sides in an argument will always result in a villain’s destruction. (Person A: “Duck season!” Person B: “Rabbit season!” A: “Duck season!” B: “Rabbit season!” A: “Rabbit season!” B: “Duck season!”)

Snappy comebacks are natural and common.
Everything is taken literally. There are no idioms.
Only a basic reading level is necessary for survival- important words to know include TNT, DANGER- KEEP OUT, and FREE CARROTS.
If you don’t know how to read, you aren’t reading this, and that’s probably why you keep getting blown up/flattened/smashed/exploded.

Blinking is noisy.
Immortality is universal. Luck is not.
You assume the shape of everything you swallow.

Any dynamite, gunpowder, grenade, TNT, gasoline, nitroglycerin, or other combustible material will always eventually explode, ignite, or spontaneously combust. There are no duds.
If you find yourself in an enclosed, dark space, you are in (A) a tunnel with a train approaching, (B) a cannon. Exception: if you light a match to see, you are in a dynamite storage room.
Homemade catapults are very unreliable.
Everything will backfire if you’re the bad guy.

For every action, there is a greater and opposite reaction. Therefore, a cannonball will move three feet and the cannon ends up in Beijing.
Any piece of something will automatically act as a whole: a disconnected section of railway track will carry a train, a painting of a road will produce a car, or a Burmese tiger trap will come with a Burmese tiger.
The heaviest matter in the universe is that belonging to an anvil.
The equation for speed is BG2F= T, where BG represents the bad guy, 2F represents an excessive rate of movement, and T represents toast.
Exception to gravity: Occasionally, a piece of a whole that is intended to fall (such as a sawn-off tree branch, a cliff ledge you break off, or a wooden circle you saw out) will hang in midair while the surrounding items (the tree, the cliff, the stage) will drop away. This only applies, however, when the hero is standing on the small section.
All rules and/or laws are subject to change without notice.
Gravity does not apply until after you realize you are subject to it.

Join the Discussion

This article has 26 comments. Post your own now!

A.Dreamer said...
Aug. 27, 2010 at 8:43 pm
LOL, so funny yet so true. :D Great writing topic!
CheshireCat said...
Aug. 19, 2010 at 3:45 pm
hahahahah still laughing and so true about the last one just hang middair while over the edge of a cliff until u look down and fall. Btw will u plz check out my work and comment
Strike_Eagle said...
Aug. 17, 2010 at 8:56 am
I love it!  There's a website that you would probably enjoy about if you search 'Cartoon laes of physics' on Google and click on the second link.
Hannah F. said...
Aug. 13, 2010 at 11:16 pm
rotflol, very funny
Healing_Angel This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Dec. 6, 2010 at 11:42 pm
hahaha! Brilliant! So clever and funny! Love it!
MarisaCoulter This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Sept. 30, 2012 at 9:47 am
Love this! I always find the Roadrunner cartoons on the computer, but I like watching the old ones. The new ones just aren't funny anymore. This made me laugh so hard :)
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