Trapped In An Elevator

April 1, 2010
By Anonymous

The glossy silver doors slid open and the trio stepped into the elevator. Once the doors shut they became aware of who they were with. The brooding and fruity Edward Cullen was standing in the back, trying not to get attention. Leaning against the walls of the elevator was Kanye West, hands in his coat pockets, ego suffocating the rest. And lastly, the self-proclaimed queen of mean – Lisa Lampanelli.
Lisa looked behind her shoulder at the reclusive vampire and said, “Aren’t you that sparkly vegan?”
Cullen looked up, and nodded slowly. Lisa smirked and turned around to look at the second person who was with her, and boy was she happy. She looked him over head to toe, liking what she saw and said, “I know you! You’re that hot Kanye West!”
Kanye looked up and said “Yeah, wassup?”
“You know, Kanye; I’m a woman who likes her dark chocolate. What say you and I get acquainted when we get off this thing?” she said. Before Kanye had a chance to speak, or perhaps vomit incessantly, the elevator stopped with a violent jerk causing the riders to topple to the ground and the lights to flicker, but remained lit.
They picked themselves up and Kanye stepped over to the buttons and tried pushing them, but the elevator was unresponsive.
“Damn!” Kanye said, slamming his hand on the panel. Kanye and Lisa looked to Edward, who looked up.
“I can read your minds. I know what you’re thinking. I can’t open the doors.” He said.

Lisa threw her arms up into the air in frustration, and Kanye just shook his head in disappointment.

“I gotta say, man, you ain’t a very good vampire. Oh and for the record, Dracula was the best vampire movie of all time. OF ALL TIME!” he said.

“I… don’t care. I have Bella now and nothing else matters.” he said.

“Bella is a freakin’ teen, Eddie, you’re like, what, 500 years old? You’re a pedophile!” said Lisa, now laughing and continuing to advance on Kanye. Kanye, now inching towards the back of the elevator, in fear of the woman, said,

“Now, I got a woman back home, I ain’t got time to be with you!”

“What woman Kanye? Beyoncé? Come on, you know I’m more woman than she is.”
Kanye looked at the slightly obese woman and nodded in disgusted agreement.

“I don't care what none of y'all say I still love her,” he said,

“She’s married!” she said, and Kanye merely shrugged. Lisa then became incredibly angry. “Nobody says no to Lisa freakin’ Lampanelli!” and she lunged at Kanye, who grabbed Edward and used him as a shield. Edward began screaming like a girl and used his vampire super strength to push her into the elevator doors, making a sickening thud.
The doors slid open, revealing sweet freedom from the angry comic and Kanye and Edward bolted out of the elevator before she regained consciousness.

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