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The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes This work is considered exceptional by our editorial staff.

[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]



BELLA: Are you a vampire?



EDWARD: No! Yes...



[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]



BELLA: I love you.



EDWARD: I love you too.



[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]



BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!



[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]



EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.



BELLA: Aww.



[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]



JACOB: I love you too.



BELLA: Yay!



[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]



EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!



JACOB: Or what?



[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']



EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!



[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]



BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!



EDWARD: Yay!

JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?



EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.



BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!



EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.



[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]





JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



EDWARD: Oh.



[EDWARD bites BELLA.]



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!



[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]



RENESME: I'm your daughter!



ALL: Yay!



[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]



EDWARD: Oops.



End credits.



Join the Discussion


This article has 1768 comments. Post your own!

Olivia_B said...
Nov. 10, 2009 at 7:23 pm:
I throughly enjoyed this. I at one time enjoyed the Twilight saga (before the plague that is a fandom sucked the very life from my adoration) and I found this better than the original. I needed a good laugh today, many thanks.
 
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Bethanatorrrr This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Nov. 10, 2009 at 8:19 am:
This has to be one of the funniest and best parodies of Twilight I've read. Another good one is Duskiness. Check that one out. It's so funny.
Haha. I'm going to go check out you're other stuff now.
 
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PoetOfNyx16 said...
Nov. 9, 2009 at 2:12 pm:
dude, that is flipping halarious!! I may be a huge twilight fan but, you have me cracking up completley!!
 
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Mackenzie E. said...
Nov. 7, 2009 at 9:17 am:
Lucy, I had to show this to my Mom (we both like Twilight) and we agree that this is the shizzle. You rock. We love this. I hope that when the next fad comes along, you will be writing summaries of it as well, because this link is totally being posted on my facebook! XD
 
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Keaira said...
Nov. 6, 2009 at 6:41 pm:
I love this. it's so funny yet so sad because it really does describe all four books.... In a really random weird way. :D I LOVE IT!!!!!!! YAY RANDOMNESS!!!!
 
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Estar said...
Nov. 6, 2009 at 12:57 pm:
Beyond Funny! Love it! Please do more!
 
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coffeebean101 said...
Nov. 6, 2009 at 11:19 am:
haha I like Twilight, but that was awesome.
it made me laugh (:
 
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DL:<) said...
Nov. 5, 2009 at 5:46 pm:
haha that was so funny! nice job :<)
 
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123cos said...
Nov. 5, 2009 at 11:00 am:
I love Twilight, but I have to admit that this is really funny!! I was literally laughing out loud! Good job! :)
 
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Rockerray101 said...
Oct. 31, 2009 at 10:54 am:
Hey, I love this and would like to maybe put this video on Youtube. I will credit you but I want your permission!
 
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doolilly11 said...
Oct. 30, 2009 at 11:13 am:
i liked this peice. i thought the dance off was really funny.
 
yoyocasgirl replied...
Nov. 5, 2009 at 10:54 am :
i liked the michael jackson thriller idea and the dace off that is the main twilight saga and wow
 
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legolas_elf said...
Oct. 28, 2009 at 4:26 pm:
I absolutely hate twilight and this was just absolutely hilarious to me with all of the short, shallow, simplistic comments which very much mirrors twilight. This really made me crack up, keep up the good (and funny xD) work!
 
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Sarquan said...
Oct. 28, 2009 at 7:09 am:
HAHA! Truth. I used to love the Twilight series but then I read BD and realized how shallow and badly planned it is. Love this!!
 
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Dara R. said...
Oct. 27, 2009 at 6:34 pm:
omg...this is sosososo hilarious...this should be the movie...omg if you did one of harry potter i would die
 
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Judith_Victorieuse said...
Oct. 27, 2009 at 12:05 pm:
LucyM, you have a gift. You have effectively strained the 'Pop' out of 'Pop Lit' - quite an achievement.
 
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BridgetD96 said...
Oct. 26, 2009 at 7:11 pm:
This is so funny. Major props!
 
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JessicaMollie said...
Oct. 25, 2009 at 7:44 pm:
Quick question in regards to stage directions: if it starts with edward looking over his shoulder at bella, shouldn't he whirl around to face her, rather than the other way around?
Thanks, Jess
 
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ButterflyHeart20 said...
Oct. 25, 2009 at 4:21 pm:
Very nice script! I love it!
 
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OneWithWords said...
Oct. 24, 2009 at 11:59 pm:
I am like THEE biggest Twilight Saga fan EVER (not to make peeps mad :P) and... I think this is the funniest thing ever!! Especially since this basically is all there is to the books with a fun twist. I absolutely love it!! ♥
 
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