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The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes

September 26, 2009
By LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
More by this author
LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
2 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
90% of my happiness is coming from my pants.

Alright, alright, sorry, inside joke. Okay how about: "If you give a man a fire, he'll be warm for a day; if you set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life." -Terry Pratchett.

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[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]



BELLA: Are you a vampire?



EDWARD: No! Yes...



[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]



BELLA: I love you.



EDWARD: I love you too.



[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]



BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!



[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]



EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.



BELLA: Aww.



[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]



JACOB: I love you too.



BELLA: Yay!



[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]



EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!



JACOB: Or what?



[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']



EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!



[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]



BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!



EDWARD: Yay!

JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?



EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.



BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!



EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.



[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]





JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



EDWARD: Oh.



[EDWARD bites BELLA.]



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!



[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]



RENESME: I'm your daughter!



ALL: Yay!



[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]



EDWARD: Oops.



End credits.

The author's comments:
Don't flame, dudes. That's seriously lame. Feel free to film, just credit me in the credits and let me know if you're making a movie so I can check it out.
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JOIN THE DISCUSSION

This article has 1985 comments.

thatclarinetgirl said...
on Apr. 8 2010 at 1:04 pm
I'm not a twilight fan, and this was so hillarious i fell off of my seat while reading. Thanks for the good laugh i needed for a long time. Keep writting!
Phooh BRONZE said...
on Apr. 8 2010 at 11:13 am
Phooh BRONZE, Bryant, Arkansas
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You only live once, if your do it right once is enough!

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okay you are my new favorite person ever!!!!!!! ahhhh i laughed so hard when reading this!! I LOVE IT!!!
bigdreamer14 said...
on Apr. 8 2010 at 6:54 am
bigdreamer14, Y Ya Need To Know???, Louisiana
0 articles 0 photos 27 comments

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I'm in love with this even if I am a big fan of the BOOK New Moon, not the movie even if I haven't seen this yet. The part that was really funny was the dance-off thing adn when Jacob said, 'I think she meant "bite me"'. U R HILARIOUS! :)
thetiedyecrayon said...
on Apr. 8 2010 at 5:21 am
Take that Twilight-lovers!
halez96 SILVER said...
on Apr. 8 2010 at 12:07 am
halez96 SILVER, North Augusta, South Carolina
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This is hilarious!
CircusChild GOLD said...
on Apr. 5 2010 at 11:30 am
CircusChild GOLD, Purchase, New York
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lol i love it!!!!!!!!!!!!! that was hysterical
firstsnowfalls DIAMOND said...
on Apr. 4 2010 at 1:40 pm
firstsnowfalls DIAMOND, Marcellus, New York
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hahahaha this is hilarious!  great job.
sarahsinginrain SILVER said...
on Apr. 3 2010 at 9:53 pm
sarahsinginrain SILVER, Setauket, New York
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haha so funny. It's extremely accurate to :P
foreverwelsh BRONZE said...
on Apr. 3 2010 at 2:10 pm
foreverwelsh BRONZE, Cardiff, Other
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Hilarious!
Isajo BRONZE said...
on Apr. 3 2010 at 12:45 pm
Isajo BRONZE, Managua, Other
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HAHAHA! vrey good.. and very accurate :) haha
NeverFallTooHard PLATINUM said...
on Apr. 3 2010 at 10:24 am
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HA! I love this! Sums it up in a very nice way. EVERYONE should read this!
FluteChick PLATINUM said...
on Apr. 2 2010 at 8:25 pm
FluteChick PLATINUM, Jefferson, Oregon
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Hahaha, loved it so much I had to write one of my own. :D
_NoAir_ BRONZE said...
on Apr. 2 2010 at 10:29 am
_NoAir_ BRONZE, Toronto, Other
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[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]

Lol XD

_NoAir_ BRONZE said...
on Apr. 1 2010 at 7:43 pm
_NoAir_ BRONZE, Toronto, Other
4 articles 1 photo 463 comments

Favorite Quote:
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–Golly (Harriet The Spy)

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Lol, this was soooooo funny! XD

Love this!

AlyssaFama SILVER said...
on Apr. 1 2010 at 11:32 am
AlyssaFama SILVER, Kunkletown, Pennsylvania
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ahaha agreed [:
whysosirius said...
on Mar. 31 2010 at 7:55 pm
This made my day a lot better. You are now my hero. When Edward shoots Bella and Jacob face palms? Amazing.
Sarbear GOLD said...
on Mar. 31 2010 at 7:42 pm
Sarbear GOLD, Milan, Ohio
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this is so funny! i now know that there is someone else out there that sees the "to die for" twilight saga is pretty corny. great job and check out some of my work too :)
BeckoningLovely GOLD said...
on Mar. 31 2010 at 8:31 am
BeckoningLovely GOLD, Wilmington, Delaware
15 articles 1 photo 106 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I think our favorite quotes say more about us than the people we are quoting," John Green

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ME TOO! I love Twilight, but the parodies are HILARIOUS!!! Team Edward, but Robert Pattinson looks like a foot. Taylor Lautner is yummy. :)
thank_god_for_guava said...
on Mar. 30 2010 at 3:33 pm
thank_god_for_guava, Pewaukee, Wisconsin
0 articles 0 photos 1 comment

Favorite Quote:
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~Oliver Wendell Holmes (no relation to Sherlock or Katie)

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You are a genius. And the song choices are great!

The dance-off is also a theme in my fanfics. Although I guess this is the opposite of a fanfic.

take1_step_@_a_time said...
on Mar. 29 2010 at 10:57 am
funny (: cant you see my eggo is pergo!