The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes This work is considered exceptional by our editorial staff.

[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]

BELLA: Are you a vampire?

EDWARD: No! Yes...

[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]

BELLA: I love you.

EDWARD: I love you too.

[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]

BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!

[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]

EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.


[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]

JACOB: I love you too.


[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]

EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!

JACOB: Or what?

[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']

EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!

[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]

BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!


JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?

EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.

BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!

EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.

[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]

JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!

[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]

RENESME: I'm your daughter!

ALL: Yay!

[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]


End credits.

Join the Discussion

This article has 1891 comments. Post your own now!

wixchick said...
Feb. 10, 2010 at 4:45 pm
i see this as the twilight version of potter puppet pals
fyreflies replied...
Feb. 19, 2010 at 1:35 pm
Totally! I think someone should make this into a Potter Puppet Pals style thing and post it on the web. It would be hilarious.
toxic.monkey replied...
Feb. 23, 2010 at 9:56 am
i so agree! edward made of glittery white material XD
kiwi12 replied...
Feb. 27, 2010 at 10:03 pm
billydee22ny said...
Feb. 10, 2010 at 8:26 am
turn_it_up(: said...
Feb. 9, 2010 at 8:35 pm
haha this is great. you're my hero. (:
Nick-M said...
Feb. 9, 2010 at 5:38 pm
Thrush said...
Feb. 7, 2010 at 10:15 am
Luic (that means laugh until I cry) use it. Love your "script"
Maddiewrites13 said...
Feb. 4, 2010 at 3:31 pm
Haha, this is great, Very Funny.
Shuchee said...
Feb. 4, 2010 at 1:34 am
This is are a funny should make more parodies..............anyways, Twilight saga ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Marissa P. said...
Feb. 2, 2010 at 9:53 pm
I nearly died laughing.
This is awesome, you should do parodies of other books!
RougeOlympian said...
Feb. 2, 2010 at 7:32 pm
I have to admit this is freakin hillarious!!!(:
Jillian H. said...
Feb. 1, 2010 at 7:00 pm
lol this is awesome!! I love how it's written in play form.
Ebony_Rose replied...
Feb. 5, 2010 at 8:26 am
I love it... My friend Cassie and I couldn't quit laughing...
sleeplessdreamer said...
Feb. 1, 2010 at 5:28 pm
Sadly enough, I am closet obsessed with edward... except i just came out of the closet by saying that....
Anyway I loved it. Everything you said was so true. Great piece of writing: no. But was Twilight a great piece of writing? Nope. Check out my work and post comments.
Moligra said...
Feb. 1, 2010 at 2:55 pm
That was hilarious! We are still laughing in class! Ha ha! I loved the way the dialoge summarized the whole saga! Keep it up!
RiotRave said...
Feb. 1, 2010 at 1:34 pm
This had me laughing (in my head cuz I'm in class) even though I never read that twilight junk. Hilarious!!!
Tigerstarz This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jan. 30, 2010 at 1:01 pm
This is so funny- the best Twilight parody ever! XD
pfeferminz said...
Jan. 30, 2010 at 12:30 pm
hahahahahaha This So funny
hawhawhannahfeb said...
Jan. 25, 2010 at 5:01 pm
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