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The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes This work is considered exceptional by our editorial staff.

[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]

BELLA: Are you a vampire?

EDWARD: No! Yes...

[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]

BELLA: I love you.

EDWARD: I love you too.

[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]

BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!

[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]

EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.


[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]

JACOB: I love you too.


[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]

EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!

JACOB: Or what?

[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']

EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!

[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]

BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!


JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?

EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.

BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!

EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.

[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]

JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!

[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]

RENESME: I'm your daughter!

ALL: Yay!

[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]


End credits.

Join the Discussion

This article has 1889 comments. Post your own now!

Jenna95rae said...
Feb. 26, 2010 at 9:31 pm
lol amazing! I love the Twilight series but this is still funny! :D
Charlotte C. said...
Feb. 25, 2010 at 5:49 pm
That was so funny, thanking for giving Twilight Humor
Dkeg012 said...
Feb. 24, 2010 at 1:29 pm
I'm still laughing. Way better than the book!
lh42195 said...
Feb. 23, 2010 at 10:02 pm
I think I probally laughed throughout this whole thing! I especially liked when Edward shoots Bella. In my opinion, that would have been a better ending than the actual saga. :)
heryearningloveforhatred This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Feb. 23, 2010 at 10:28 pm
Hilarious! Loved it :)
purplechoc replied...
Mar. 11, 2010 at 3:10 pm
heck yeah
i totally agree
FreelyFlying said...
Feb. 23, 2010 at 8:45 pm
God, this is awesome!
The only thing that would've made it better is if you stuck the part about the giant huskies rushing into the rescue . . . and then the Volturi just running away so everyone had nothing to do. XD
sasssgirrrl22 said...
Feb. 23, 2010 at 8:34 pm
lol! i didnt hav any idea wht this was at first but then it made more sense as it went on. ha very good
trestonsgirl said...
Feb. 23, 2010 at 7:39 pm
i used to love twilight but realized how awful it was-vampires dont sparkle-i loved this article!!!!!!! really really funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
trestonsgirl said...
Feb. 23, 2010 at 7:32 pm
omg i loved that i used to love twilight but then i realized how gay it is and that soooooooo sums up the twilight saga!!!!!!!!!!!!! loved it
creativityrules replied...
Mar. 14, 2010 at 10:38 pm
yeah....this was amazing.... but i must defend my fab book from trestonsgirl.... sweety, twilight's not gay ....
Anna F. said...
Feb. 23, 2010 at 7:30 pm
I'm not a big fan of Twilight at all, but I read the 1st book, and heard about the rest -- you summed it up PERFECTLY.
lalaj94 said...
Feb. 23, 2010 at 6:09 pm
haha! i used to be obsessed with the twilight saga and now i have it pretty controlled bur i have to say i loved this! i does pretty much sum up the saga...
♥renesme♥ said...
Feb. 23, 2010 at 5:43 pm
i hav 2 a bit adictd 2 twilight...i luvd dat...nessie is so cute...dat was hilarius!☺
FlamableFyre This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Feb. 23, 2010 at 5:24 pm
haha im a twilight fan and this is still hilarious to me. when i say twilight fan, trust me im not one of those fanatics who are all about it, i just kind of enjoy it
MyFairyTaleEnding said...
Feb. 23, 2010 at 4:16 pm
Oh em WOW!!! That was hilarious!!! GREAT JOB!!!
ahs0204 said...
Feb. 23, 2010 at 4:01 pm
Hahahahaha very funny. I loved it because it is very lighthearted and fun. Congrats.
briitttt said...
Feb. 23, 2010 at 1:21 pm
I am absolutely in love with the Twilight Saga and although you are making fun of it, this is absolutely hilarious. Good Job. Future screen-writer? Yeah, I can def. see it.
mikaylamissme said...
Feb. 23, 2010 at 10:23 am
hahahaha i loved it
i hate twlilight, and i have my reasons
but this was so funny
Ian J. replied...
Feb. 23, 2010 at 11:55 am
haha, same same (:
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