The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes | Teen Ink

The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes

September 26, 2009
By LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
2 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
90% of my happiness is coming from my pants.

Alright, alright, sorry, inside joke. Okay how about: "If you give a man a fire, he'll be warm for a day; if you set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life." -Terry Pratchett.


[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]



BELLA: Are you a vampire?



EDWARD: No! Yes...



[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]



BELLA: I love you.



EDWARD: I love you too.



[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]



BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!



[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]



EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.



BELLA: Aww.



[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]



JACOB: I love you too.



BELLA: Yay!



[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]



EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!



JACOB: Or what?



[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']



EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!



[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]



BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!



EDWARD: Yay!

JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?



EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.



BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!



EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.



[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]





JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



EDWARD: Oh.



[EDWARD bites BELLA.]



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!



[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]



RENESME: I'm your daughter!



ALL: Yay!



[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]



EDWARD: Oops.



End credits.

The author's comments:
Don't flame, dudes. That's seriously lame. Feel free to film, just credit me in the credits and let me know if you're making a movie so I can check it out.

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This article has 1984 comments.


HI :) said...
on May. 11 2010 at 2:23 pm
LOL. I love twilight, but this had me ROTFLMAO

on May. 11 2010 at 11:39 am
kristina-marie SILVER, Olla, Louisiana
6 articles 0 photos 16 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Fool, said my muse to me, look in thy heart and write." (Loving in Truth) written by: Sir Phillip Stanley 1554-1586

The lead singer of tokio hotels is a boy named bill klautz.

on May. 11 2010 at 10:32 am
LiveItUpGodsWay SILVER, Tomball, Texas
8 articles 0 photos 15 comments

Favorite Quote:
Fall for someone that wont break your heart. (i made that up)

Dude thats freaking funny as hell... I showed my friend who is all about twilight and she was lauging her ass off... LOVE IT!!!!!!

dule05 BRONZE said...
on May. 10 2010 at 7:06 am
dule05 BRONZE, Kraljevo, Other
1 article 1 photo 102 comments
My comment was not rude, I emphasized I didn't agree with the previous reader who said it was the best article ever on Teen Ink. However, it was hilarious and the author deserves praise for that as I said!

on May. 9 2010 at 6:56 pm
HellooMegann BRONZE, Phil Campbell, Alabama
1 article 1 photo 1 comment

LOL.

That was great.


on May. 8 2010 at 7:24 pm
E.Margaret BRONZE, Taylor Ridge, Illinois
2 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
If you love music, you can make music.-Mike Nesmith

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!

I LOVE this it i hilarious!!!! I can hardly stand Twilight, it disgusts me, so I loved this!!!


on May. 8 2010 at 7:16 pm
BlackKittie SILVER, Milwaukee, Wisconsin
8 articles 1 photo 55 comments
cool...yeah just in some of his pictures he looks like a girl but hey whatever...theyre still cool!

Ender PLATINUM said...
on May. 8 2010 at 2:24 pm
Ender PLATINUM, Hagerstown, Maryland
49 articles 0 photos 14 comments

Favorite Quote:
Perhaps it's impossible to wear an identity without becoming what you pretend to be
-Orson Scott Card

their singer is a boy. . . .his name's Bill. . . i think

i luv them too


Cuore GOLD said...
on May. 8 2010 at 11:16 am
Cuore GOLD, Saint Augustine, Florida
12 articles 0 photos 33 comments

Favorite Quote:
Be the change you wish to see- Ghandi

Everything in this room is eatable, even I'm eatable, but that my dears is called cannibalism and is highly frowned upon in most societies.- Willy Wonka

Bright lights often blind those who can't see. ~

Edward is SO white. ROFLMAO!!! I just can't get enough of this :)

Cuore GOLD said...
on May. 8 2010 at 11:12 am
Cuore GOLD, Saint Augustine, Florida
12 articles 0 photos 33 comments

Favorite Quote:
Be the change you wish to see- Ghandi

Everything in this room is eatable, even I'm eatable, but that my dears is called cannibalism and is highly frowned upon in most societies.- Willy Wonka

Bright lights often blind those who can't see. ~

Got that right. I'm both!

on May. 7 2010 at 9:09 pm
BlackKittie SILVER, Milwaukee, Wisconsin
8 articles 1 photo 55 comments
yeah sooo funny....tokio hotel is cool....but is their singer a boy or girl?

on May. 6 2010 at 7:50 pm
sweetiecow BRONZE, Ramsey, New Jersey
2 articles 0 photos 10 comments
LOL! that's halarious! all twihaters are gonna start cheering in the background! all twifans are gonna laugh too!

on May. 6 2010 at 2:38 pm
WillHug4Money GOLD, Florien, Louisiana
18 articles 0 photos 20 comments

Favorite Quote:
Nothing is stronger than gentleness, and nothing is so gentle as real strength.

Oh ma gosh that was HILARIOUS!!!! i do like twilight but its still awesomely fun to make fun of it and i loved that!!!!! it should totally get published =P

on May. 6 2010 at 11:53 am
OceansMuse BRONZE, Mount Juliet, Tennessee
3 articles 4 photos 4 comments

Favorite Quote:
Dare to Dream

Hahahaha :D I actually am a Twifan but this still is just hilarious! I needed a laugh, thanks for givin' it to me :)

on May. 4 2010 at 11:45 am
princessness_16 SILVER, Dundee, New York
5 articles 0 photos 12 comments
 just have to say, that i have read this and shown all my friends. it's hilarious! i love it. :)

Mina4Eva GOLD said...
on May. 3 2010 at 1:53 pm
Mina4Eva GOLD, Ransomville, New York
19 articles 6 photos 8 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The birds wings sprouted from the two halves of the mans broken heart" ~ Enna Burning ~

omg!!!!!!!!! hahahahahahahaah this was awsome you should definetly get this published lol but it just goes to show how fast things get old :)

on May. 2 2010 at 9:52 pm
BlackKittie SILVER, Milwaukee, Wisconsin
8 articles 1 photo 55 comments
oh my god, this is aawsome!!!twilight....hahaha...

on May. 2 2010 at 12:54 pm
singdance7 SILVER, Davenport, Iowa
8 articles 4 photos 31 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Do what you can with what you have with where you are" Teddy Roosevelt i think
"I love life because what more is there" Unknown
"Remember, the future comes one day at a time" Unknown

I think this should win an award!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHHA LOL!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE this!!!!!!!!!!!!! funniest thing i have ever read!!!! WAAAAAY better than the books!

on May. 1 2010 at 9:19 pm
thebeatles1423, Canutillo, Texas
0 articles 0 photos 15 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If you work for a living, why do you kill yourself working?" - TUCO from THE GOOD THE BAD AND THE UGLY

this is like the funniest thing i have ever read. im having a hard time controlling my stomach from not exploding.although im not sure why people have to include rude comments like "not the best thing ive read". :[ Well anyway, my sister and i loved it so mouch we printed it out and showed it to our whole family.;]It was AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dule05 BRONZE said...
on May. 1 2010 at 5:26 am
dule05 BRONZE, Kraljevo, Other
1 article 1 photo 102 comments
This is good, funny but certainly not the best thing I've read on Teen Ink as someone stated. Parodies are quite easy to be made out of anything that achieved success, hence I don't appreciate them very much and they can only make us laugh for it is their primary purpose. Anyways, you did a great job.