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The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes This work is considered exceptional by our editorial staff.

[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]



BELLA: Are you a vampire?



EDWARD: No! Yes...



[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]



BELLA: I love you.



EDWARD: I love you too.



[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]



BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!



[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]



EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.



BELLA: Aww.



[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]



JACOB: I love you too.



BELLA: Yay!



[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]



EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!



JACOB: Or what?



[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']



EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!



[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]



BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!



EDWARD: Yay!

JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?



EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.



BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!



EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.



[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]





JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



EDWARD: Oh.



[EDWARD bites BELLA.]



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!



[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]



RENESME: I'm your daughter!



ALL: Yay!



[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]



EDWARD: Oops.



End credits.



Join the Discussion

This article has 1843 comments. Post your own now!

Penelope This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 9, 2010 at 3:51 pm
AWESOME! Twilight haters unite!
 
emzyANDO!!! RULS replied...
Apr. 18, 2010 at 1:01 am
hes MINE!!!
 
emzyANDO!!! RULS replied...
Apr. 18, 2010 at 1:02 am
hes MINE!!! ja;cob is mine !!!
 
bubblee96This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Apr. 25, 2010 at 6:57 pm
LOL! JACOB IS ALL MINE, i WILL SHOOT!
 
cupcakesNbrownies97 replied...
Apr. 27, 2010 at 9:51 pm
Twilight was like my fav thing! And still is! But all these maniacs are bringing the fun out of it!
 
evrycloudyday7 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 8, 2010 at 10:45 pm
hahaha omgsh the funniest thing ever! i laughed through the whole thing! love it! im gona go back and read it again now. bye!
 
possiblylindsey This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 8, 2010 at 9:26 pm
THIS IS HIGHHHLARIOUS!!!!!! =] ohmg i loooove this!
 
NARUTO-FREAKhawkie said...
Apr. 8, 2010 at 8:18 pm
This is soooo much better than the real thing (which i don't like)! and it really sums up the whole saga perfectly. HILARIOUS!
 
SilverLuna said...
Apr. 8, 2010 at 7:56 pm
Love this!! It's hilarious! Great, great GREAT! lol
 
monsterxcities This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 8, 2010 at 7:45 pm
That was hilarious! Loved it :D
 
maritina said...
Apr. 8, 2010 at 7:13 pm
I LOVE IT!! I am sooooo showing it to my twilight-crazy friends! haha
 
SadieSalvation said...
Apr. 8, 2010 at 5:29 pm
ahahahahaha i died laughing!! this is soo perfect :D i don't favorite a lot of things, but i'm favoriting this! A+
 
Artemis_Girl said...
Apr. 8, 2010 at 5:04 pm
lol! that's so funny! I like those books, but this does pretty much sum them up!
 
HopelessSharpie said...
Apr. 8, 2010 at 2:55 pm
HAHHAHAHA. I LOVE THIS. AND TALKING IN CAPS! GREAT JOB. =)
 
thatclarinetgirl said...
Apr. 8, 2010 at 1:04 pm
I'm not a twilight fan, and this was so hillarious i fell off of my seat while reading. Thanks for the good laugh i needed for a long time. Keep writting!
 
Phooh said...
Apr. 8, 2010 at 11:13 am
okay you are my new favorite person ever!!!!!!! ahhhh i laughed so hard when reading this!! I LOVE IT!!!
 
bigdreamer14 said...
Apr. 8, 2010 at 6:54 am
I'm in love with this even if I am a big fan of the BOOK New Moon, not the movie even if I haven't seen this yet. The part that was really funny was the dance-off thing adn when Jacob said, 'I think she meant "bite me"'. U R HILARIOUS! :)
 
thetiedyecrayon said...
Apr. 8, 2010 at 5:21 am
Take that Twilight-lovers!
 
haleyelizabethloveswriting said...
Apr. 8, 2010 at 12:07 am
This is hilarious!
 
stephers said...
Apr. 5, 2010 at 11:30 am
lol i love it!!!!!!!!!!!!! that was hysterical
 
firstsnowfalls This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 4, 2010 at 1:40 pm
hahahaha this is hilarious!  great job.
 
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