The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes This work is considered exceptional by our editorial staff.

September 26, 2009
[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]

BELLA: Are you a vampire?

EDWARD: No! Yes...

[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]

BELLA: I love you.

EDWARD: I love you too.

[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]

BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!

[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]

EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.


[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]

JACOB: I love you too.


[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]

EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!

JACOB: Or what?

[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']

EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!

[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]

BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!


JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?

EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.

BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!

EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.

[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]

JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!

[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]

RENESME: I'm your daughter!

ALL: Yay!

[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]


End credits.

Join the Discussion

This article has 1902 comments. Post your own now!

xxMWAHxx said...
May 19, 2011 at 9:15 pm

Lol;;you brightened my day! I love the way you put humor into the story, twisting those intense moments into those of hilarity. I give you 5/5 for an excellent job! <3

Keep writing ~

xxMWAHxx replied...
May 19, 2011 at 9:16 pm eggo is preggo....I'm still laughing!
Lovergirl said...
May 19, 2011 at 12:18 pm
ha ha ha ha ha ha thats so funny i love it
blonde_with_brains said...
May 19, 2011 at 11:01 am
I used to be borderline obsessive about the Saga, but now I've seen the light (thank goodnesss!) and I must say, if this was any funnier, the phrase "died laughing" would become a reality. Job well done :D
Kristinanetti said...
May 18, 2011 at 7:44 pm
Hahaha, yeah that pretty much sums it up. Nice job.
saribel192 said...
May 17, 2011 at 7:05 pm
Hahaha, that's pretty funny.
Insert-Name-Here said...
May 16, 2011 at 10:48 am
Epic WIN :D
RChander said...
May 14, 2011 at 9:10 am
Pretty funny!
jillianinflesh This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
May 13, 2011 at 5:45 pm
Love, love. This sums it up.
KerwinJames said...
May 13, 2011 at 9:09 am

I would assume from how you wrote this you are not a fan of the Twilight series.



TwiBaby said...
May 12, 2011 at 2:02 pm
As much as I love..... Twilight, I have to say that is pretty funny!
LilyPotter said...
May 12, 2011 at 12:19 pm
Please, PLEASE do more. LMFAO
depulso said...
May 10, 2011 at 2:48 pm

I honestly didn't think it was all that funny but it was good, considering Twilight has absolutely no storyline and this just about summed it up in two minutes.

Haha good job

RainyWriter This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
May 9, 2011 at 9:56 pm

I've seen the title of this advertised everywhere on the site and I wondered why everyone loved it so much.

Now I understand. OMG, that was SOOOO funny and SOOO true! Ahahahaha, much better than Vampires Suck if you ask me. I am going to petition for someone to do this for a play at the high school one day. Bravo!

jamikim said...
May 9, 2011 at 6:06 pm
this was hilarious :) lmao!
Cosgrove said...
May 9, 2011 at 10:08 am
I must say, this is freakin hilarious >:D
Meko8195 replied...
May 9, 2011 at 10:10 am
Meko8195 replied...
May 9, 2011 at 10:11 am
and dont freak out people. i know this girl :)
singergurl12 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
May 10, 2011 at 6:31 am
Meko8195 said...
May 9, 2011 at 10:07 am
LOL my eggo is preggo! i love it :D
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