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The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes This work is considered exceptional by our editorial staff.

[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]

BELLA: Are you a vampire?

EDWARD: No! Yes...

[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]

BELLA: I love you.

EDWARD: I love you too.

[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]

BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!

[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]

EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.


[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]

JACOB: I love you too.


[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]

EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!

JACOB: Or what?

[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']

EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!

[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]

BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!


JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?

EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.

BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!

EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.

[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]

JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!

[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]

RENESME: I'm your daughter!

ALL: Yay!

[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]


End credits.

Join the Discussion

This article has 1793 comments. Post your own now!

LaurenE. said...
Apr. 2, 2011 at 9:33 pm
Oh my goodness this just made my day. *laughs*
caedanse said...
Apr. 2, 2011 at 9:19 pm
I don't like Twilight, but this really wasn't that funny.
Maddog357 said...
Apr. 2, 2011 at 2:19 pm
ahahahhaahhahahahhahahhahahhaha that was soooooooooooooooo funny
CWells_521 said...
Mar. 30, 2011 at 9:17 am
This is hilarious. I never thought of Twilight in this way before but I love it even more. :)
Suicide said...
Mar. 30, 2011 at 8:40 am

Haha this is soo funny. I hope you write more like it.



EMOcupcake said...
Mar. 29, 2011 at 7:57 pm
xD You, sir, are a brilliant comedian. I would love to see more~
kkayla3897 said...
Mar. 28, 2011 at 8:15 pm
It's amazing how many times I can read this, and it never gets old. You need to do this on other books!!! I'd totally read them.
LizKolze said...
Mar. 26, 2011 at 9:58 pm
i love the twilight saga and im laughing my ass off right now you're a good writer!
Enjeru said...
Mar. 25, 2011 at 12:28 pm
Most epic piece of literature EVER.
LiveInTheMoment replied...
Apr. 16, 2011 at 11:40 am
JustAnotherWriter This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Mar. 24, 2011 at 6:00 pm
This was hilarious! It had me laughing till the end.
KuroNekoXIII said...
Mar. 24, 2011 at 11:09 am
This was so great! I cannot stop laughing. It's short, but pretty accurate. Very nice job with this.
Cookie3 said...
Mar. 22, 2011 at 7:36 pm
Ahahahah! You're a good comedian:)
Kels said...
Mar. 22, 2011 at 3:23 pm

That made me laugh out loud.

Thank you for posting. :D

jazzy16 said...
Mar. 22, 2011 at 2:38 pm
lol. that was great! you should make that into a youtube video.
Ashlee H. This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Mar. 22, 2011 at 10:22 am
Oh my gosh! I can't help but laughing! So true....Good job
charm said...
Mar. 21, 2011 at 1:24 pm
Wow! I coudn't help but laugh! I was never the biggest fan of Twilight, but you hit everything on the spot with humor. Loved it!
zero_123 said...
Mar. 18, 2011 at 10:23 pm
ahaha that was so funny! i love this...i really dont know what to call it :) i use to like twilight but dropped it...and now think that this is a good summary
star3x8 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Mar. 17, 2011 at 7:38 pm
This was hilarious and amazing! I'm not a Twilight fan at all and I think it's great! I love the pop culture references, like Bella saying "I'm aliiive!" and the Michael Jackson piece. Keep it up!
JacobG. said...
Mar. 17, 2011 at 10:56 am
This was awesome. Hi five for the author hope you right another one soon.
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