The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes This work is considered exceptional by our editorial staff.

September 26, 2009
[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]

BELLA: Are you a vampire?

EDWARD: No! Yes...

[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]

BELLA: I love you.

EDWARD: I love you too.

[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]

BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!

[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]

EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.


[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]

JACOB: I love you too.


[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]

EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!

JACOB: Or what?

[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']

EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!

[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]

BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!


JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?

EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.

BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!

EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.

[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]

JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!

[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]

RENESME: I'm your daughter!

ALL: Yay!

[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]


End credits.

Join the Discussion

This article has 1902 comments. Post your own now!

NeVassa said...
Jun. 24, 2011 at 11:43 am
oky.. ill b honest
NeVassa said...
Jun. 24, 2011 at 11:42 am
soooooooooooooo funny
NeVassa said...
Jun. 24, 2011 at 11:42 am
amazing.. loved it... :D
Nellie21 said...
Jun. 22, 2011 at 10:31 pm
This was actually really funny even though I'm a twilight fan. Impressive!
Keli123 said...
Jun. 22, 2011 at 8:05 pm
lmao! i LOVE you for posting this. its pathetic how so many girls have fallen so hard for a freaking series of books and this just proves it. this is hilarious. :)
triplethreat said...
Jun. 22, 2011 at 8:04 pm
I am in love with the Twilight Saga since I first laid eyes on it. This made me laugh cause it's semi true... in a nutshell. It was good and you should SO make a video on Youtube!! XD haha 
Lola_Black said...
Jun. 22, 2011 at 6:42 pm
I must admit, I've been a huge Twilight fan. But, this made me want to laugh my a** off!! By the way, you missed the part where Edward and Bella were screwing and he bit a pillow ; )
LittleTeapot13 replied...
Jun. 28, 2011 at 1:33 pm

Lol it should have been something like 

BELLA: "Edward! Do me!"

EDWARD: "NO! ...Ok. Oooh Pillow! Nomnomnom"

JACOB: "Necrophilia! EWW!"

Muslimahsweetheart4ever said...
Jun. 22, 2011 at 5:46 pm
Ok i admit dis
LindsayB This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jun. 22, 2011 at 1:53 pm
you do know that Stephanie Meyer is the publisher of teenink and therefore probably read this, right?
CatalineMahara replied...
Jun. 22, 2011 at 3:33 pm
Good! She needs too!
Kiba1 replied...
Jun. 22, 2011 at 6:42 pm
xxD she needs a wake up call
StrangeJade This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Jul. 6, 2011 at 4:25 pm
Actually, I looked it up and the publisher of TI magazine is Stephenie H. Meyer. The Stephenie Meyer who wrote Twilight has the middle initial M. But she should read this anyway. :P
Ruth V. said...
Jun. 22, 2011 at 9:57 am
Oh My God! This was awesome! It's true and it saved me four books and what is it now? Four movies?
reenay_95 said...
Jun. 22, 2011 at 9:38 am
Aemma said...
Jun. 21, 2011 at 1:24 pm
HAHAHAAHA!! OK this was realy funny it had me cracking up like crazy over here. This was so  true! Very nice job ! :D
Shadowrider said...
Jun. 20, 2011 at 11:13 pm
This is so true! It cracked me up! I LOVED it! I think it's hilarious, and way too true!
Jacy-Lee said...
Jun. 20, 2011 at 12:37 pm

this is pretty depressing...considering this is all there is to Twilight.


Lucifersangel123 said...
Jun. 18, 2011 at 11:14 pm
makes me wanna laugh, most of its kinda true
Kattelatte123 said...
Jun. 18, 2011 at 12:10 pm
This is infinitely better than the real thing.
Site Feedback