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The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes This work is considered exceptional by our editorial staff.

[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]



BELLA: Are you a vampire?



EDWARD: No! Yes...



[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]



BELLA: I love you.



EDWARD: I love you too.



[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]



BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!



[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]



EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.



BELLA: Aww.



[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]



JACOB: I love you too.



BELLA: Yay!



[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]



EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!



JACOB: Or what?



[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']



EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!



[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]



BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!



EDWARD: Yay!

JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?



EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.



BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!



EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.



[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]





JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



EDWARD: Oh.



[EDWARD bites BELLA.]



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!



[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]



RENESME: I'm your daughter!



ALL: Yay!



[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]



EDWARD: Oops.



End credits.



Join the Discussion


This article has 1774 comments. Post your own!

LiveInTheMoment said...
Apr. 16, 2011 at 11:38 am:
Hahaha, this was hilarious! I totally agree, the Twilight Saga is cheesy and pointless. This was funny, and cute. Loved it! Hope that you continue writing, and never lose that sense of humor! If you have time, please check out, rate, and comment on my poem, The Girl Inside. Thanks!!!!!!!!!!!! 8)
 
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alyssabug97 said...
Apr. 15, 2011 at 9:47 pm:

Nice! Lol loved it!

 

 
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bayleegurl said...
Apr. 15, 2011 at 6:22 pm:
lol i was giggling the whole time... AGREED... TWILIGHT SUCKSS
 
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AlexisNicole94 said...
Apr. 11, 2011 at 1:35 pm:
This is so funny! :) I love it and I love the fact that it is a drama :) Keep up the good work! :)
 
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mileypoo said...
Apr. 10, 2011 at 10:51 am:
That is hilarious!  I've always thought Kristen was a terrible actor, so... keep it up!
 
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Paranormal4Ever said...
Apr. 9, 2011 at 7:54 pm:
LIAR!!!!!!!!!!!
 
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Paranormal4Ever said...
Apr. 9, 2011 at 7:53 pm:
Epically Funny!!!!!!!!!!!
 
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music_is_my_passion_writing_is_my_soul said...
Apr. 8, 2011 at 8:30 pm:
I love the original Twilight books, but this was hilarious!!!! I loved it!!!
 
xxblahhhO.o replied...
Apr. 18, 2011 at 9:19 am :
Same :D Agreed!!
 
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Jennifer_Krasinski said...
Apr. 8, 2011 at 5:03 pm:

Amazing.

that's all:)

 
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massacre said...
Apr. 8, 2011 at 2:53 pm:
That just might be the BEST fanfiction that I have EVER read. Ever.
 
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Khristina said...
Apr. 7, 2011 at 5:33 pm:
This is fantastically hilarious! I love it. :)
 
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TabbiJane This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 7, 2011 at 8:06 am:
This is fantastic. SO FUNNY! Love it!!
 
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lightanddark said...
Apr. 6, 2011 at 6:31 pm:
um, i love this.
 
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Black_dragon_x3 said...
Apr. 6, 2011 at 10:35 am:
OMG this just made my day!!!! That was hilarious!!!!!!! You should do some more with other films!!!!
 
KajaKing replied...
May 5, 2011 at 5:27 pm :
I'm with you, this is making my dark day much lighter.
 
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x13xliv4luvx29x said...
Apr. 6, 2011 at 10:35 am:
This is so funny and it is true it is basically a nice summary of the series :)
 
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Foxx14 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 4, 2011 at 2:15 pm:
I can't stop laughing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hahahahahahahahaha, i want more!
 
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crlygrl13579 said...
Apr. 3, 2011 at 10:43 am:
Not really funny in any way mainly due to the fact that anyone could've made it and there's nothing especially good about it.
 
ButterflyGirl1313 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Apr. 9, 2011 at 11:44 am :
i agree. Nothing really special and it isn't very funny. 
 
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