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The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes This work is considered exceptional by our editorial staff.

[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]



BELLA: Are you a vampire?



EDWARD: No! Yes...



[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]



BELLA: I love you.



EDWARD: I love you too.



[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]



BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!



[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]



EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.



BELLA: Aww.



[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]



JACOB: I love you too.



BELLA: Yay!



[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]



EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!



JACOB: Or what?



[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']



EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!



[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]



BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!



EDWARD: Yay!

JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?



EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.



BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!



EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.



[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]





JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



EDWARD: Oh.



[EDWARD bites BELLA.]



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!



[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]



RENESME: I'm your daughter!



ALL: Yay!



[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]



EDWARD: Oops.



End credits.



Join the Discussion

This article has 1775 comments. Post your own now!

Bella.Electra said...
Dec. 4, 2013 at 10:26 pm
All these years and this is still my favorite thing I've read on this website.
 
J.R.Holliday said...
Nov. 21, 2013 at 2:40 pm
I personally would rather have seen this script filmed...
 
Lilyann367 replied...
Nov. 25, 2013 at 10:20 am
That would have been hilarious lol
 
a1bs2522 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Nov. 12, 2013 at 4:32 pm
AHAHHA I love this sooo much, thank god someone agrees with me! And I had thought that all teenage girls were swept up by the "love scenes"...hahaha this is so funny and depressingly accurate. Good work :)
 
bman_hThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Nov. 12, 2013 at 11:26 am
This is gold. Pure gold.
 
flutterbye1888This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Nov. 2, 2013 at 7:10 pm
Oh, you make me laugh!!! I loved this, and I'm a semi-Twighard, so I probably shouldn't, hahaha! (I think she meant "bite me")
 
foxy_granny said...
Oct. 30, 2013 at 12:25 pm
why waste your time reading the books and watching the movies when you can read this! This sums up Twilight perfectly. Very funny
 
Buurrry said...
Oct. 30, 2013 at 12:24 pm
Best fan fiction ever! This is perfection
 
fadingintograyThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Oct. 28, 2013 at 9:46 am
This was more enjoyable than any of the books. :)
 
that_one_brunette said...
Oct. 19, 2013 at 3:18 pm
This is hilarious and I love it XD It's so true though
 
Misha said...
Oct. 14, 2013 at 6:15 pm
OMG this was completely accurate and funny. I think alot of book series can be made into a 2 minute play. I loved this.
 
brianlovesminecraft said...
Oct. 11, 2013 at 11:03 am
    I am going to make this a video on youtube. I will let you know when
 
StarGazer9This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Oct. 8, 2013 at 4:15 pm
My gosh what has this world come to X)
 
ilovemycat12 said...
Oct. 8, 2013 at 2:40 pm
i love the Twilight movies! But i didnt enjoy this
 
Yume74 said...
Sept. 13, 2013 at 11:13 am
This is perfect and acurate. 
 
Kingsley-Wynn U. This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Sept. 3, 2013 at 9:35 pm
As a person who watched the movie and read the book I completly agree with everything in this. Espesially Edward's blinding whitness.
 
NightStalker said...
Aug. 30, 2013 at 10:04 pm
This has been on the most discussed for months, good job.
 
Alabian said...
Aug. 28, 2013 at 8:39 pm
Oh hey, you should do this kind of thing with the Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter or something! This was totally rad!
 
Alabian said...
Aug. 28, 2013 at 8:34 pm
I agree with Katelyn J. I have no interest in Twilight, but this made me laugh out loud! I'll be looking into more of your stuff :))
 
Maiko said...
Aug. 27, 2013 at 3:48 pm
Okay, this has got to be one of the best Twilight screenplays ever! Why couldn't make this the ending of the series~?!
 
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