The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes

September 26, 2009
By LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
2 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
90% of my happiness is coming from my pants.

Alright, alright, sorry, inside joke. Okay how about: "If you give a man a fire, he'll be warm for a day; if you set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life." -Terry Pratchett.


[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]



BELLA: Are you a vampire?



EDWARD: No! Yes...



[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]



BELLA: I love you.



EDWARD: I love you too.



[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]



BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!



[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]



EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.



BELLA: Aww.



[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]



JACOB: I love you too.



BELLA: Yay!



[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]



EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!



JACOB: Or what?



[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']



EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!



[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]



BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!



EDWARD: Yay!

JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?



EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.



BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!



EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.



[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]





JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



EDWARD: Oh.



[EDWARD bites BELLA.]



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!



[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]



RENESME: I'm your daughter!



ALL: Yay!



[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]



EDWARD: Oops.



End credits.

The author's comments:
Don't flame, dudes. That's seriously lame. Feel free to film, just credit me in the credits and let me know if you're making a movie so I can check it out.

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This article has 1913 comments.


on Sep. 2 2016 at 4:02 pm
Screen_name: BRONZE, Phoenix, Arizona
1 article 0 photos 5 comments
This sums it up perfectly

on Sep. 2 2016 at 11:28 am
jordynnangeleen,
0 articles 0 photos 2 comments
make a part 2!!!

on Aug. 29 2016 at 8:14 pm
Sincerely,_Anonymous SILVER, None Of Your Business, New Jersey
5 articles 0 photos 3 comments

Favorite Quote:
My favorite quote of all time is said by Dumbledore in "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows". It is,
"Of course it is happening inside your head, but why on Earth should that mean it isn't real?"

Never even seen/read anything about Twilight but this was so, so, so, so, sooooooo funny! Literally every line made me lol. I love that it's in play/script form too.

Daksteel said...
on Aug. 17 2016 at 1:31 pm
Daksteel, Tucson, Arizona
0 articles 0 photos 328 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Call upon the Goddess and God to protect you and teach you the secrets of Magic. Ask stones and plants reveal their powers - and listen."
- Unknown

lol not a twilight fan but this made me chuckle

Darktress said...
on Aug. 8 2016 at 4:26 pm
Darktress, Tucson, Arizona
0 articles 0 photos 59 comments
nice are you writting one on here?

on Aug. 8 2016 at 4:24 pm
Amberleaf BRONZE, Tucson, Arizona
1 article 0 photos 127 comments

Favorite Quote:
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder-Molly Bawn

Writing a story

Darktress said...
on Aug. 8 2016 at 4:18 pm
Darktress, Tucson, Arizona
0 articles 0 photos 59 comments
nothing much wby

on Aug. 8 2016 at 4:17 pm
Amberleaf BRONZE, Tucson, Arizona
1 article 0 photos 127 comments

Favorite Quote:
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder-Molly Bawn

LOL, anywho wyd?

Darktress said...
on Aug. 8 2016 at 3:42 pm
Darktress, Tucson, Arizona
0 articles 0 photos 59 comments
blah blah blah blah blah

on Aug. 8 2016 at 3:36 pm
Amberleaf BRONZE, Tucson, Arizona
1 article 0 photos 127 comments

Favorite Quote:
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder-Molly Bawn

LOL So Hilarious

on Aug. 8 2016 at 3:34 pm
Amberleaf BRONZE, Tucson, Arizona
1 article 0 photos 127 comments

Favorite Quote:
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder-Molly Bawn

This was funny

on Aug. 7 2016 at 6:00 pm
Oml. This was so beyond perfect. I have no words.

on Jul. 21 2016 at 9:20 pm
Jtatsu PLATINUM, East Brunswick, New Jersey
26 articles 0 photos 77 comments
It's fine if you don't like this piece that this particular writer wrote; it's impossible for anyone to like everything after all, but I would hardly call this a disgrace to Stephanie Meyers. Quite the opposite, in fact. Have you ever heard the saying, "Imitation is the highest form of flattery?" This is exactly what this piece is doing; it's bringing even more attention toward Meyers' work, and is simply putting a satirical twist on Meyers' most famous work.

Zarii_Jay GOLD said...
on Jul. 16 2016 at 5:30 pm
Zarii_Jay GOLD, Olivebranch, Mississippi
17 articles 0 photos 4 comments

Favorite Quote:
Some one is out there for everyone now matter how well they may be hidden.

This was absolutely hilarious please do one on the hunger game series of something

Zarii_Jay GOLD said...
on Jul. 16 2016 at 5:30 pm
Zarii_Jay GOLD, Olivebranch, Mississippi
17 articles 0 photos 4 comments

Favorite Quote:
Some one is out there for everyone now matter how well they may be hidden.

This was absolutely hilarious please do one on the hunger game series of something

on Jul. 16 2016 at 5:27 pm
Pookie16 BRONZE, Olathe, Kansas
4 articles 0 photos 6 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Don't be an idiot." - Michael Scott, The Office

This is quite possibly the best retelling of Twilight that I've ever read...

xSwanson said...
on Jun. 7 2016 at 4:01 pm
xSwanson, St Louis, Missouri
0 articles 0 photos 1 comment
"My eggo is preggo!" I can't breathe, on my god. This writing has my soul

on Jun. 2 2016 at 12:59 pm
FallenAngel11283 PLATINUM, Cincinnati , Ohio
20 articles 1 photo 25 comments
This is disgraceful, I'm sure your a good writer but I don't like this piece at all. Bella and Edward had a complicated but beautiful relationship. Edward fell in love Bella they had hardships and Edward left. But if Edward hadn't of left she would have never gotten close to Jacob, Jacob stitched her back up when Edward left her bleeding after he left. Also Stephenie Meyer wrote The Host, she is a talented lady research it more before you decide to write something like this.

on Jun. 1 2016 at 9:06 am
I was about to kill myself before i read this but since i did i'm still alive today. Thank you.

ZebraD SILVER said...
on May. 11 2016 at 7:58 am
ZebraD SILVER, Jacksonville, Florida
8 articles 3 photos 7 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The battle between the living and the dead must have been apocalyptic." -Darren Shan's "Zom-B City"

Thank you. Thank you so much for this. I couldn't explain it better myself.




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