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The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes This work is considered exceptional by our editorial staff.

[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]



BELLA: Are you a vampire?



EDWARD: No! Yes...



[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]



BELLA: I love you.



EDWARD: I love you too.



[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]



BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!



[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]



EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.



BELLA: Aww.



[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]



JACOB: I love you too.



BELLA: Yay!



[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]



EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!



JACOB: Or what?



[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']



EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!



[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]



BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!



EDWARD: Yay!

JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?



EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.



BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!



EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.



[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]





JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



EDWARD: Oh.



[EDWARD bites BELLA.]



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!



[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]



RENESME: I'm your daughter!



ALL: Yay!



[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]



EDWARD: Oops.



End credits.



Join the Discussion

This article has 1878 comments. Post your own now!

LordGaben said...
Nov. 18, 2015 at 1:42 pm
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LordGaben said...
Nov. 18, 2015 at 1:40 pm
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ScarlettJ. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Nov. 17, 2015 at 12:08 pm
Hahaha, this was great!! As much as I big enjoy the series, I also enjoy things such as this. Great job!
 
wizad said...
Nov. 17, 2015 at 7:44 am
haha its pertty funny
 
Fangirl-BlissThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Nov. 15, 2015 at 1:59 pm
It's so true... The books and movies sucked. The part when Jacob is just like "I love you." "Yay!" "Get away." You freking abandoned her edward so shut up. you got her preggo and left her it's funny and proves just how dumb Twighlight is.
 
carly_crochet said...
Nov. 10, 2015 at 9:48 am
This fan fiction is the best fan fiction I have ever read in my life. I love how they both say, "Dance off!" That was my favorite part.
 
Moose_CinnamonRoll said...
Nov. 6, 2015 at 2:56 pm
This is hilarious; when they both said “dance off”, I lost it.
 
jala2018 said...
Nov. 6, 2015 at 12:01 pm
"I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now." I think he doesn't know what he wants, but he wants her to know he care.
 
ScarletCityThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Nov. 5, 2015 at 5:48 pm
I've never read twilight, but from all the previews, this is pretty accurate! :)
 
AmayaR said...
Nov. 5, 2015 at 1:34 pm
Your twilight fan fiction has to be the funniest fan fiction I have read yet. I like how the fan fiction actually went through the twilight movies in less than 2 minutes, and they made it interesting while explaining all the twilight movies at the same time. “Edward! Please kill me so I can live forever.” “Okay (shoots bella).” “I think she meant bite me” “oh.” This would’ve had to be the funniest parts to me.
 
Landryboy15 said...
Nov. 5, 2015 at 8:38 am
I agree with this story. Bella is exactly like this towards Edward and Jacob. She plays Jacob throughout the whole movie series “Jacob- I love you too” “Bella- Yay!” Bella is playing mind games with both of them “Bella- Are you a vampire” “Edward- Yes” “Bella- I love you”. Edward loves her but doesn’t know what to do when she tells him to bite her and kill her. She is giving both guys mixed emotion of her.
 
danranz said...
Nov. 4, 2015 at 2:46 pm
This is how the movies should have been, would've saved a lot of time and money, and annoying prepubescents screaming about it. "EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!" Hilarious, and I didn't have to sit through 30 shirtless Taylor Laughtner scenes.
 
trinriley said...
Nov. 4, 2015 at 1:02 pm
I thought it was hilarious to read. My favorite line is “Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo” because I actually laughed out loud at this.
 
2MooreM This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Nov. 4, 2015 at 10:20 am
I never read fan-fictions at all, but I decided to read this one to get an assignment out of the way. I do not regret it because this was actually funny. “EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now. BELLA: Aww. [EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.] JACOB: I love you too. BELLA: Yay! [They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.] EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl! JACOB: Or what? [Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.'] EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off! [They dance for a short ti... (more »)
 
2brumfielda said...
Nov. 4, 2015 at 10:03 am
This is hilarious! I’ve always been a Twilight fan, but I loved how the story was twisted into a comedy. My favorite part was, “EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.”
 
katikat00 said...
Nov. 4, 2015 at 9:55 am
This fan fiction is quite funny. I, personally am not the greatest fan of the Twilight Saga, but this fan fiction puts a funny twist on the whole story line. “[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]” The way you portray Edward as the dumb character in the fan fiction and Jacob as the smart one just makes the whole thing funny.
 
MasterAzzBlaster said...
Nov. 2, 2015 at 10:13 am
Wow anyone who even enjoyed this should re-evaluate their lives. This story was worse than Avatar: The Last Air Bender movie franchise and I would rather watch that again!
 
lamichael2998 said...
Oct. 30, 2015 at 2:53 am
this is too funny to be true! thanks for the summary
 
Nashi said...
Oct. 26, 2015 at 5:54 pm
i might like twilight, but that was one of the most funniest things I've read
 
Kiera1332 said...
Oct. 22, 2015 at 2:24 pm
This was amazing... Not a big fan of vampire stuff, or Twighlight especially, but this was great and actually made me laugh.
 
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