The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes This work is considered exceptional by our editorial staff.

September 26, 2009
[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]

BELLA: Are you a vampire?

EDWARD: No! Yes...

[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]

BELLA: I love you.

EDWARD: I love you too.

[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]

BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!

[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]

EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.


[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]

JACOB: I love you too.


[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]

EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!

JACOB: Or what?

[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']

EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!

[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]

BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!


JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?

EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.

BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!

EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.

[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]

JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!

[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]

RENESME: I'm your daughter!

ALL: Yay!

[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]


End credits.

Join the Discussion

This article has 1902 comments. Post your own now!

Niquel said...
Jun. 20, 2013 at 11:10 am
"Please kill me so I can live forever!" Irony... Oh, how I love you, Irony.
jKs23 replied...
Jun. 23, 2013 at 1:52 am
haha me too i  want to bea vaampire soo badly  
literaturepumpkin said...
Jun. 17, 2013 at 1:17 pm
Whompingwillow said...
Jun. 13, 2013 at 10:58 am
ahhaa that was awesomely done ! ;)  
AriaTomlinson said...
Jun. 1, 2013 at 12:56 pm
HAHAHAHA That was awesome! Loved it, I was laughing all the way through! 
Dr.Ripley said...
Jun. 1, 2013 at 6:07 am
Love, love, love it. You make the entire series's simplicity and ridiculousness so evident and present it in a funny way. Nice work
Meghan13133 said...
May 31, 2013 at 8:10 pm
This is awesome, I actually loved the twilight books but seriously I couldn't stop laughing at this.
Ishara said...
May 24, 2013 at 6:11 am
Hilarious, I couldn't stop laughing :P
GleekGamer This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
May 12, 2013 at 8:05 pm
I do believe I love you. Also, very glad that the TI editors recognized that this is a piece of genius.
HB123 said...
May 6, 2013 at 1:01 pm true :).  love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Imagineer said...
May 4, 2013 at 7:43 pm
Hahaha. Loved it. never read the books and don't plan to, so this was an awesome summary.   :)
transparantspirit434 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
May 4, 2013 at 1:19 pm
I think I can go back to bed now. this made my day. There is no point after this.
GwendolynHarisson said...
May 3, 2013 at 4:11 pm
Oh my gosh! This was awesome!!!!!! :D I despise Twilight but this is way too funny!
WitherJones said...
May 1, 2013 at 8:52 pm
I think my life is now complete
GSguppies105 said...
Apr. 30, 2013 at 8:34 am
This is one of the funniest things in my life XD. You  just saved ppl months of reading lmao
sarah98 said...
Apr. 25, 2013 at 6:25 pm
haha cute!
Cozzy said...
Apr. 18, 2013 at 5:50 pm
I find it ironic that there was an ad for a computer game that said, "Find your Bella." O_O This made me laugh!
Apr. 18, 2013 at 3:42 pm
tuckertwin12 said...
Apr. 14, 2013 at 10:41 pm
Oh my gosh! That was hilarious!! Finally, someone sees how terrible and plotless those books are!! Thank you! That was awesome!!! Thank you thank you thank you! Made my day! I especially loved the part "Wasn't there something about the Volturi? Yeah, but that was anti-climatic" I think the same thing. What kind of ending was that??? I can't stop laughing! 
sunnyday said...
Apr. 11, 2013 at 2:31 pm
This is amazing!
theatregirl This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 7, 2013 at 3:15 am
Funny and clever. I still laughing, keep writing . :)
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