The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes This work is considered exceptional by our editorial staff.

September 26, 2009
[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]

BELLA: Are you a vampire?

EDWARD: No! Yes...

[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]

BELLA: I love you.

EDWARD: I love you too.

[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]

BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!

[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]

EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.


[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]

JACOB: I love you too.


[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]

EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!

JACOB: Or what?

[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']

EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!

[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]

BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!


JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?

EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.

BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!

EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.

[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]

JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!

[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]

RENESME: I'm your daughter!

ALL: Yay!

[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]


End credits.

Join the Discussion

This article has 1897 comments. Post your own now!

Meghan13133 said...
May 31, 2013 at 8:10 pm
This is awesome, I actually loved the twilight books but seriously I couldn't stop laughing at this.
Ishara said...
May 24, 2013 at 6:11 am
Hilarious, I couldn't stop laughing :P
GleekGamer This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
May 12, 2013 at 8:05 pm
I do believe I love you. Also, very glad that the TI editors recognized that this is a piece of genius.
HB123 said...
May 6, 2013 at 1:01 pm true :).  love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Imagineer said...
May 4, 2013 at 7:43 pm
Hahaha. Loved it. never read the books and don't plan to, so this was an awesome summary.   :)
transparantspirit434 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
May 4, 2013 at 1:19 pm
I think I can go back to bed now. this made my day. There is no point after this.
GwendolynHarisson said...
May 3, 2013 at 4:11 pm
Oh my gosh! This was awesome!!!!!! :D I despise Twilight but this is way too funny!
WitherJones said...
May 1, 2013 at 8:52 pm
I think my life is now complete
GSguppies105 said...
Apr. 30, 2013 at 8:34 am
This is one of the funniest things in my life XD. You  just saved ppl months of reading lmao
sarah98 said...
Apr. 25, 2013 at 6:25 pm
haha cute!
Cozzy said...
Apr. 18, 2013 at 5:50 pm
I find it ironic that there was an ad for a computer game that said, "Find your Bella." O_O This made me laugh!
Apr. 18, 2013 at 3:42 pm
tuckertwin12 said...
Apr. 14, 2013 at 10:41 pm
Oh my gosh! That was hilarious!! Finally, someone sees how terrible and plotless those books are!! Thank you! That was awesome!!! Thank you thank you thank you! Made my day! I especially loved the part "Wasn't there something about the Volturi? Yeah, but that was anti-climatic" I think the same thing. What kind of ending was that??? I can't stop laughing! 
sunnyday said...
Apr. 11, 2013 at 2:31 pm
This is amazing!
theatregirl This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 7, 2013 at 3:15 am
Funny and clever. I still laughing, keep writing . :)
Laugh-it-Out This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 6, 2013 at 12:43 am
Lol lol lol lol omg this hilarious couldn't stop laughing ur so funny that basically sums everything up perfect its what I have trying to tell my friends lol I totally would make a movie of this
ClaireBearB said...
Apr. 1, 2013 at 9:28 pm
You know Twilight is actually really good. The books are infinity times better than the movies, just so you know and if you've only seen the movies you can't exactly say "Twilight Sucks!" because it really, really doesn't. In the movies, it's true, Bella does look really weak, but in the books she's amazing. I wish people wouldn't diss Twilight if they don't really get it. But, haters will be haters, and I guess I'll just have to deal :)
RedRose17 replied...
Apr. 3, 2013 at 8:44 am
I totally agree with you the books were amazing and the movies were sucky because the person playing bella sucked, the guy playing Edward was ugly he sounded so much cutier in the book and well Jacob was the only one that they got perfect lol
pulledheartstring said...
Mar. 27, 2013 at 7:12 pm
Oh my gosh, right on. xD
hollyax1999 said...
Mar. 20, 2013 at 1:18 pm
haha this is hilarious, love it!
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