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The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes This work is considered exceptional by our editorial staff.

[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]



BELLA: Are you a vampire?



EDWARD: No! Yes...



[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]



BELLA: I love you.



EDWARD: I love you too.



[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]



BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!



[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]



EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.



BELLA: Aww.



[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]



JACOB: I love you too.



BELLA: Yay!



[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]



EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!



JACOB: Or what?



[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']



EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!



[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]



BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!



EDWARD: Yay!

JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?



EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.



BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!



EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.



[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]





JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



EDWARD: Oh.



[EDWARD bites BELLA.]



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!



[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]



RENESME: I'm your daughter!



ALL: Yay!



[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]



EDWARD: Oops.



End credits.



Join the Discussion

This article has 1804 comments. Post your own now!

CharlieBalzary This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Dec. 9, 2012 at 5:18 am
To say this is awsome would be a massive understatement. This fully incapsulates the banality of the entire saga. This dialogue would have made for a better movie experience, as far as I'm concerned. Bravo dude!
 
MatieKae said...
Dec. 7, 2012 at 11:33 am
Haha oh that's too funny! But so true, I love how accurate it is, it makes it even more amusing!!
 
poemluv said...
Dec. 4, 2012 at 11:19 am
ahahahaha!! I love it! XD
 
BlackNether12 said...
Dec. 3, 2012 at 4:07 pm
Seemed like a pretty sick joke on Twilight . . . but it was well written.
 
Amanda98 said...
Dec. 1, 2012 at 9:44 am
Gods, I'm laughing so hard! First thing I red on Teenink and that makes me extremely happy! xD
 
DustyHooks. said...
Nov. 27, 2012 at 8:52 pm
I was busting out laughing until the very end, well done.
 
LaurenD. said...
Nov. 27, 2012 at 5:17 pm
SO true! Melodramatic and I love it! :)
 
JulesC said...
Nov. 25, 2012 at 10:40 pm
That saved me from wasting half of my life having to reading the series. Thank you, this was awesome
 
BellaCharlie said...
Nov. 23, 2012 at 6:35 pm
This is hilarious and accurate.  I love it.
 
J33P3R5CR33P3R said...
Nov. 14, 2012 at 9:18 am
It's amazing how accurate this is. XD
 
katya4 said...
Nov. 5, 2012 at 11:37 am
'Silver Curtains'! It chronicles the 2012 elections. A sexual political satire at thegreaterbooks.
 
a.e.always said...
Nov. 2, 2012 at 7:09 am
soo funny! and also very acurate.
 
Xiuhcoatl said...
Nov. 1, 2012 at 1:32 pm
This was hilarious and absurd, but completely accurate. I loved it :)
 
C-rizzle said...
Oct. 31, 2012 at 11:39 am
That was hillarious. Good job.
 
. said...
Oct. 30, 2012 at 8:03 am
Cannot stop reading this!!
 
HiChanel said...
Oct. 26, 2012 at 7:05 pm
This is the most amazing thing I've ever read. It feels goo to know I'm not the only one who thinks this movie is just not good. But what is good is this story. Keep writing.
 
Amandaheartsonedirection This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Oct. 25, 2012 at 3:03 pm
lol'd. You are funny!!!
 
hopelessnostalgic This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Oct. 23, 2012 at 8:59 am
I love it. Just amazingly accurate and hilarious. I am ashamed to have watched those movies!
 
Naomi P. said...
Oct. 22, 2012 at 1:46 pm
Best. Thing. EVER.  
 
hononeko said...
Oct. 22, 2012 at 1:01 pm
I LOVE this. It's a perfect summary.
 
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