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The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes This work is considered exceptional by our editorial staff.

[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]



BELLA: Are you a vampire?



EDWARD: No! Yes...



[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]



BELLA: I love you.



EDWARD: I love you too.



[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]



BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!



[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]



EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.



BELLA: Aww.



[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]



JACOB: I love you too.



BELLA: Yay!



[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]



EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!



JACOB: Or what?



[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']



EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!



[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]



BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!



EDWARD: Yay!

JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?



EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.



BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!



EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.



[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]





JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



EDWARD: Oh.



[EDWARD bites BELLA.]



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!



[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]



RENESME: I'm your daughter!



ALL: Yay!



[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]



EDWARD: Oops.



End credits.



Join the Discussion

This article has 1878 comments. Post your own now!

JasonEdwardWilson said...
today at 10:14 am
So great, I died
 
MohammedF said...
today at 9:50 am
Amazingly amazing
 
AGupta1This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Oct. 19 at 2:13 pm
Keep writing please! I laughed out loud and my mother looked at me like I was crazy.
 
Ebony_Strike said...
Sep. 29 at 8:06 pm
I think this may have been the best thing I have ever read.
 
Dream_Bar22This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Sep. 20 at 10:34 am
this is amazing
 
Screen_name:This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Sep. 2 at 4:02 pm
This sums it up perfectly
 
jordynnangeleen said...
Sep. 2 at 11:28 am
make a part 2!!!
 
DayDreamsThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Aug. 29 at 8:14 pm
Never even seen/read anything about Twilight but this was so, so, so, so, sooooooo funny! Literally every line made me lol. I love that it's in play/script form too.
 
DaksteelThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Aug. 17 at 1:31 pm
lol not a twilight fan but this made me chuckle
 
AmberleafThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Aug. 8 at 3:34 pm
This was funny
 
Stifling_Darkness said...
Aug. 7 at 6:00 pm
Oml. This was so beyond perfect. I have no words.
 
lilredd7This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Jul. 16 at 5:30 pm
This was absolutely hilarious please do one on the hunger game series of something
 
lilredd7This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Jul. 16 at 5:30 pm
This was absolutely hilarious please do one on the hunger game series of something
 
Pookie16This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Jul. 16 at 5:27 pm
This is quite possibly the best retelling of Twilight that I've ever read...
 
xSwanson said...
Jun. 7 at 4:01 pm
"My eggo is preggo!" I can't breathe, on my god. This writing has my soul
 
FallenAngel11283This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Jun. 2 at 12:59 pm
This is disgraceful, I'm sure your a good writer but I don't like this piece at all. Bella and Edward had a complicated but beautiful relationship. Edward fell in love Bella they had hardships and Edward left. But if Edward hadn't of left she would have never gotten close to Jacob, Jacob stitched her back up when Edward left her bleeding after he left. Also Stephenie Meyer wrote The Host, she is a talented lady research it more before you decide to write something like this.
 
JtatsuThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Jul. 21 at 9:20 pm
It's fine if you don't like this piece that this particular writer wrote; it's impossible for anyone to like everything after all, but I would hardly call this a disgrace to Stephanie Meyers. Quite the opposite, in fact. Have you ever heard the saying, "Imitation is the highest form of flattery?" This is exactly what this piece is doing; it's bringing even more attention toward Meyers' work, and is simply putting a satirical twist on Meyers' most famous work.
 
sooperspookyaj said...
Jun. 1 at 9:06 am
I was about to kill myself before i read this but since i did i'm still alive today. Thank you.
 
ZebraDThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
May 11 at 7:58 am
Thank you. Thank you so much for this. I couldn't explain it better myself.
 
maia-ramen said...
Apr. 27 at 8:45 am
i was laughing throughout reading the entire script hahahah you NEED to make more of these
 
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