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The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes This work is considered exceptional by our editorial staff.

[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]



BELLA: Are you a vampire?



EDWARD: No! Yes...



[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]



BELLA: I love you.



EDWARD: I love you too.



[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]



BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!



[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]



EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.



BELLA: Aww.



[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]



JACOB: I love you too.



BELLA: Yay!



[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]



EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!



JACOB: Or what?



[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']



EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!



[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]



BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!



EDWARD: Yay!

JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?



EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.



BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!



EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.



[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]





JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



EDWARD: Oh.



[EDWARD bites BELLA.]



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!



[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]



RENESME: I'm your daughter!



ALL: Yay!



[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]



EDWARD: Oops.



End credits.



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This article has 1774 comments. Post your own!

Ashlom said...
Nov. 5 at 5:20 pm:
That was the best Twilight story EVER!!!!!! You should do the Host now. Thanks for a good laugh
 
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jetpuppy11 said...
Oct. 15 at 11:55 am:
ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS!!!
 
Chrissiana1320This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
today at 7:48 am :
Really Funny.
 
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Clary_FrayThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Sep. 13 at 6:30 pm:
This is great. Two thumbs up!
 
Pieric123456789 replied...
Oct. 1 at 9:02 am :
THAT IS AWESOME
 
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Pookie16This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Aug. 18 at 8:57 pm:
THIS MAKES ME SO HAPPY.
 
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Jkw7072 said...
Aug. 13 at 9:57 am:
Edward and I have something in common, we both blind people with our whiteness.
 
MargaretNormanThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Nov. 11 at 9:40 pm :
i know the strugle
 
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KFT22This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Aug. 12 at 4:25 am:
Hahahaha! You had me at the title....had fun reading this
 
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PleasedToMeetYouThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Aug. 4 at 9:33 pm:
I lost it when I got to the part where Edward "blinds everyone with his whiteness."
 
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RachelReads said...
Jul. 7 at 1:47 am:
So hilarious! OMG!
 
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Z.V.Oksana said...
Jun. 16 at 3:09 pm:
somebody should actually perform this. This is hilarious!
 
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StygianSparrow said...
Jun. 2 at 11:48 am:
This is hilarious! Just wondering, but do you have this up on fanfiction.net?
 
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catonoThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
May 27 at 1:37 pm:
Love it!!!!!! We have been needing a good twilight parody!
 
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RegonethThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
May 17 at 1:27 pm:
hahahahaha! That's really funny XD
 
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JordynYounger said...
Apr. 30 at 1:57 pm:
Best Twilight summary ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
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Hells_WillThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Apr. 17 at 2:00 pm:
This... Now this is pure genius!!!! Comdey gold!!! i LOVE this!!!!!!
 
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Strawberry_Rabbit said...
Apr. 5 at 1:05 pm:
Haha! I love this and this is actually very accurate!
 
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BabyPorcupine said...
Apr. 1 at 6:15 pm:
This *points to story* right here is comeic genius. Like, my grandma thought there was something wrong with me when I started laughing out of nowhere. But whatever. I love this. <3
 
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FancyWaffles said...
Mar. 23 at 8:51 pm:
I'm laughing so hard! This is exactly what Twilight sounds like to me whenever I hear anything about it. My friend used to love Twilight, and we always (jokingly, of course) tease her about it. I need to show her this one day!
 
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