The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes | Teen Ink

The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes

September 26, 2009
By LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
2 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
90% of my happiness is coming from my pants.

Alright, alright, sorry, inside joke. Okay how about: "If you give a man a fire, he'll be warm for a day; if you set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life." -Terry Pratchett.


[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]



BELLA: Are you a vampire?



EDWARD: No! Yes...



[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]



BELLA: I love you.



EDWARD: I love you too.



[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]



BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!



[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]



EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.



BELLA: Aww.



[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]



JACOB: I love you too.



BELLA: Yay!



[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]



EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!



JACOB: Or what?



[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']



EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!



[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]



BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!



EDWARD: Yay!

JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?



EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.



BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!



EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.



[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]





JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



EDWARD: Oh.



[EDWARD bites BELLA.]



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!



[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]



RENESME: I'm your daughter!



ALL: Yay!



[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]



EDWARD: Oops.



End credits.

The author's comments:
Don't flame, dudes. That's seriously lame. Feel free to film, just credit me in the credits and let me know if you're making a movie so I can check it out.

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This article has 1941 comments.


on Nov. 11 2009 at 10:23 am
Warren_Uzumaki DIAMOND, Jim Thorpe, Pennsylvania
92 articles 28 photos 47 comments

Favorite Quote:
they say the mind bends and twists to deal with the horrors of life...
...some times the mind bends so much it snaps in two.

Love at first sight wastes less time

i like twilight (yes i'm a dude ) yet that was the funniest thing ive seen in a while NICE!!!!

on Nov. 11 2009 at 8:45 am
wow. that was the best two minute story i have ever read. can't wait to see future stories! twilight is never been so great!

Jenna_V BRONZE said...
on Nov. 10 2009 at 7:23 pm
Jenna_V BRONZE, Saginaw, Michigan
1 article 0 photos 3 comments

Favorite Quote:
"There is neither good nor evil, only thinking makes it so." Shakespeare

I throughly enjoyed this. I at one time enjoyed the Twilight saga (before the plague that is a fandom sucked the very life from my adoration) and I found this better than the original. I needed a good laugh today, many thanks.

on Nov. 10 2009 at 8:19 am
BethPerez SILVER, New City, New York
8 articles 0 photos 9 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I won't be labeled as average" - Rachel Joy Scott

This has to be one of the funniest and best parodies of Twilight I've read. Another good one is Duskiness. Check that one out. It's so funny.

Haha. I'm going to go check out you're other stuff now.

on Nov. 9 2009 at 2:12 pm
PoetOfNyx16 SILVER, Port Angeles, Washington
8 articles 0 photos 13 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I dont know why I cut myself, god, give me a sign or help, I won't cry it'll be fine, I'll take my last breath, push it out my chest, 'till there's nothing left."

dude, that is flipping halarious!! I may be a huge twilight fan but, you have me cracking up completley!!

on Nov. 7 2009 at 9:17 am
Mackenzie Ellis BRONZE, Rockbridge, Ohio
2 articles 0 photos 1 comment
Lucy, I had to show this to my Mom (we both like Twilight) and we agree that this is the shizzle. You rock. We love this. I hope that when the next fad comes along, you will be writing summaries of it as well, because this link is totally being posted on my facebook! XD

Keaira BRONZE said...
on Nov. 6 2009 at 6:41 pm
Keaira BRONZE, Edmond, Oklahoma
3 articles 1 photo 36 comments

Favorite Quote:
In a world of CooCoo Puffs, dare to be a Fruity Pebble.

I love this. it's so funny yet so sad because it really does describe all four books.... In a really random weird way. :D I LOVE IT!!!!!!! YAY RANDOMNESS!!!!

on Nov. 6 2009 at 12:57 pm
Estar-Forte BRONZE, A Little Dot On A Map, North Carolina
2 articles 5 photos 11 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Happiness can meet you in forms of insanity, but at times you must look madly for it."

Beyond Funny! Love it! Please do more!

on Nov. 6 2009 at 11:19 am
coffeebean101, Cave City, Kentucky
0 articles 0 photos 5 comments

Favorite Quote:
I'm not going to change the way I look or the way I feel to conform to anything. I've always been a freak. So I've been a freak all my life and I have to live with that, you know. I'm one of those people.
-John Lennon

haha I like Twilight, but that was awesome.

it made me laugh (:

Devan said...
on Nov. 5 2009 at 5:46 pm
Devan, Cumming, Georgia
0 articles 0 photos 5 comments

Favorite Quote:
Romans 5:8

haha that was so funny! nice job :<)

123cos said...
on Nov. 5 2009 at 11:00 am
I love Twilight, but I have to admit that this is really funny!! I was literally laughing out loud! Good job! :)

yoyocasgirl said...
on Nov. 5 2009 at 10:54 am
i liked the michael jackson thriller idea and the dace off that is the main twilight saga and wow

on Oct. 31 2009 at 10:54 am
americanteen97 SILVER, Harrisburg, Pennsylvania
8 articles 0 photos 79 comments
Hey, I love this and would like to maybe put this video on Youtube. I will credit you but I want your permission!

doolilly11 said...
on Oct. 30 2009 at 11:13 am
i liked this peice. i thought the dance off was really funny.

on Oct. 28 2009 at 4:26 pm
very_literary SILVER, Ballwin, Missouri
7 articles 0 photos 46 comments
I absolutely hate twilight and this was just absolutely hilarious to me with all of the short, shallow, simplistic comments which very much mirrors twilight. This really made me crack up, keep up the good (and funny xD) work!

Mehmeh SILVER said...
on Oct. 28 2009 at 7:09 am
Mehmeh SILVER, Bethesda, Maryland
5 articles 0 photos 18 comments
HAHA! Truth. I used to love the Twilight series but then I read BD and realized how shallow and badly planned it is. Love this!!

on Oct. 27 2009 at 6:34 pm
twilighter_360 GOLD, NYOB, New Jersey
12 articles 0 photos 47 comments

Favorite Quote:
"A bird dosen't sing because it has an answer.A bird sings because it has a song." -- Maya Angelou

"Give peace a chance." --John Lennon

omg...this is sosososo hilarious...this should be the movie...omg if you did one of harry potter i would die

on Oct. 27 2009 at 12:05 pm
Judith_Victorieuse SILVER, Boones Mill, Virginia
8 articles 0 photos 3 comments

Favorite Quote:
Outside of a Dog, a Book is Man's Best Friend.
Inside of a Dog, it's too Dark to Read.
-- Groucho Marx

LucyM, you have a gift. You have effectively strained the 'Pop' out of 'Pop Lit' - quite an achievement.

on Oct. 26 2009 at 7:11 pm
BridgetD96 SILVER, Southbury, Connecticut
8 articles 0 photos 3 comments

Favorite Quote:
Life can stop.
Just as long as the music keeps playing,
I won't notice a thing.

This is so funny. Major props!

on Oct. 25 2009 at 7:44 pm
JessicaMollie BRONZE, Hawera, Other
3 articles 0 photos 16 comments

Favorite Quote:
Life isn't measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Quick question in regards to stage directions: if it starts with edward looking over his shoulder at bella, shouldn't he whirl around to face her, rather than the other way around?

Thanks, Jess