Once upon a time there was a beautiful girl named Snow White. She lived with herstepmother. Unfortunately her father the King had passed away a few yearsearlier. One day the Queen was busy admiring herself in the mirror when sheasked, "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?" Theone thing that the rest of the stories never told you was that queen had beendiagnosed with schizophrenia for some time now, so the voices weren't thatuncommon, along with very low self-esteem. The voice replied, "Snow White is thefairest of them all." The voice angered the queen so she ordered the RoyalForest Ranger to take Snow White into the woods and kill her. This plan waseasier said than done. During the course of three years Snow White and the RoyalForest Ranger had fallen in love and become engaged.
When The Royal ForestRanger heard of this plan, he told Snow White and took her to a house in thethick of the woods where seven little dwarfs ran a coal mining business out oftheir house. Starting to sound familiar?
When Snow White reached thecottage, she met the seven little dwarfs. They agreed that Snow White could staythere but she would have to work as a housekeeper. Snow White disagreed with thisat once, being a liberated women with a Ph.D. and a Master's in accounting. Sincethey were looking for an accountant anyway, she would handle the financialaffairs of their business.
This agreement was working out quite well untilone day the eighth dwarf decided to come back and reclaim his job as theaccountant. When he saw that he had been replaced by Snow White, he was outragedand along with being a male, he decided the only way to settle this was throughrevenge. While away he had learned a little magic from an old family friend,Merlin. So he decided to conjure up a poison and place it on a peach, sinceapples were out of season, and have Snow White eat it. But you see the eighthdwarf wasn't the brightest of dwarfs and got the recipe mixed up with a sleepingpoison, whose only antidote was true love. He went into the store the next day,disguised as a customer, and offered Snow White the peach. She agreed to it sinceshe was about to go on her lunch break anyway. The moment she took a bite, shefell into a deep sleep.
When the rest of the dwarfs returned home from themines and discovered Snow White, they notified the Royal Forest Ranger at once.During this, the eighth dwarf had unfortunately run into a bear trap and wasrescued by the trapper, who was a hotel-owner in Vegas. Feeling so badly aboutthe accident, he offered him a job, so the eighth dwarf is happily doing stageshows there.
Anyway back in the woods, the Royal Forest Ranger awakenedSnow White, like we all knew he would and rode off into the sunset to live aboutthe common folk happily ever after. And that my friends is the real story of SnowWhite and the eight dwarfs. 1
This piece has been published in Teen Ink’s monthly print magazine.