Junk food, such as chips, candy, popcorn, and anything greasy or salty, has always been believed to have negative effects on your health. However, recent studies prove this long-standing myth to be wrong. According to tests undergone by scientists in the W.L.J.F.S.I.O.C.A. (We Like Junk Food So It’s Officially Cool Alliance), eating so-called junk food is actually beneficial to your immune system and cardiac health. The work done by the W.L.J.F.S.I.O.C.A. is changing the world, and opening new culinary windows for people all across America. Grease and fat will defend your heart against disease, and sodium will help your blood fight bacteria. Junk food is now good for you!

The W.L.J.F.S.I.O.C.A. made an amazing discovery about a month ago. They do all kinds of tests with junk food, trying to find a credible excuse for eating it. And, on April 18th, they managed to come up with one. A random test involving ten people, several pounds of batter-fried Oreos, a roller coaster, and cannibal shrimp with tapeworms revealed that the greasier the food, the lower the probability of being attacked by tapeworm-infested cannibal shrimp on a roller coaster. Some old-style nutritionists, in denial of this amazing advance, say that people who ate the Oreos and other greasy foods weren’t attacked because they felt too sick to go on the roller coaster in the first place. This theory is, of course, ludicrous. They weren’t attacked because the grease repels cannibal shrimp, obviously. We can only hope that someday, the nutritionists who are currently stuck in the past will give up their old ways and join us in a new, junk-food-filled world. This astounding revelation has taught us a lot, and continued tests produced even more long-hoped-for results.

The W.L.J.F.S.I.O.C.A. (which finally had funding after their one unexpected discovery) kept testing for similar benefits and uncovered more incredible facts. They learned that junk food also helps protect your body from diseases and heart problems. The high levels of sodium in many types of junk food (for example, popcorn and nachos) actually stimulate your bone marrow to create stronger white blood cells. These cells will more efficiently fight germs, so if you eat a lot of junk food, you will actually be less likely to get sick. There is also a large amount of grease and fat in junk foods like funnel cakes and churros, which will defend and strengthen your heart. The cardiac muscles in your heart are constantly at work, so having extra fat will give it a lot of energy and allow other nutrients to be devoted to different parts of your body. Grease coats the inside of the heart and veins, so blood will flow more easily, meaning less work for the heart. In other words, junk food is beneficial to more than just your taste buds.

To make junk food even more appealing to the general public, there will be a few changes. First of all, junk food will be more widely available to the general public. All foods that used to be considered healthy will be hidden in the backs of stores, so only health nuts and the aforementioned nutritionists in denial will have to see them. All junk food, on the other hand, will be all over stores, and will be on sale a lot of the time so people will buy this incredible type of nutrition more often. The most important change, however, is the second one. “Junk food” is a negative phrase, and it implies that such foods are bad, or the equivalent of junk. So, the term will no longer be “junk food”, but instead, “funk food”. There are very few people who view funk as a negative thing, (really, who hates music and dancing?) so this will support funk food even further. With even more positive aspects of funk food, America will soon be a healthier and happier place (except for the health nuts).

Funk food is the new best thing you can eat. There is nothing negative about it. It will help your heart, strengthen your immune system, and protect you against any incidents on roller coasters with wormy cannibal shrimp. The W.L.J.F.S.I.O.C.A. has proven it. Ten test subjects have proven it. Some third unmentioned thing has proven it. Funk food will lead to a healthier, longer, better life.