Ode to Men

February 17, 2008
By David Sigley, Cheney, WA

I am not a girl. I am a boy. No, wait, I am a man (add a low grunt and a burp here). Being a man is glorious; everywhere I go can become my outhouse. In manhood, showers are optional and bodily sounds are only normal. As a guy, I only shave my face—legs and armpits, no way! (A tip to all those guys: One shave will last you until someone asks you if you just got back from a long camping trip). Being a girl is so much harder. I am truly sorry if you are a girl, but I guess someone has to do it. I am just glad it’s not me.

Let us take a look at a typical schedule on Prom day for the respective genders. First, for the ladies: 5:45am—Wake up. Call every friend you can think of and excitedly squeal over the phone that you can’t believe that today is finally here. 7:00am—Shower. 8:15am—Get out of shower. Brush teeth. Make sure you still fit in your dress. Call and reconfirm your hair appointment. Pretend to relax for about an hour. 9:30am—Shower again. 11:30am—Get hair done at hairdresser. 3:00pm—Leave hairdresser’s. Pass up on a salad because you didn’t fit as well as you wanted to in your dress. 3:30pm—Get into your dress. Brush teeth again. Start makeup. 5:00pm—Apply twelfth and final coat of makeup. Giddily anticipate your date’s arrival. 5:30pm—Your date arrives. Act like you forgot when he was coming, fidget with your hair, and pretend like you’re not quite ready yet.

Now for the men: 12:00pm—Wake up. Go into the kitchen and eat four bowls of Cocoa Puffs. Watch SportsCenter. 1:00pm—Fall back in bed and take a nap. 3:30pm—Wake up from nap. Scratch armpit. Pick wedgie. 4:00pm—Roll out of bed. Remember that you’re doing something tonight. Turn SportsCenter on again. 4:30pm—Remember what it is you’re doing tonight. Call your date and ask her what time you’re supposed to pick her up (say that it is just to make sure). 5:00pm—Shower. 5:07pm—Get out of shower. Burp, smell bad Cocoa Puffs, and remember to brush your teeth. 5:12pm—Get dressed and make your hair look presentable. 5:15pm—Leave to pick up your date. Go back and get her corsage at your house. Leave again. 5:25pm—Pick up a cheeseburger at some drive-thru. Speed to make it to her house on time. 5:30pm—Arrive at your date’s house and put some gum in your mouth to cover up that cheeseburger.

This is just one of the many examples of how being a man makes things so much easier. Sure, there are some downsides to being a man. Going bald and putting on a few pounds aren’t exactly things to look forward to. Getting hit where it counts is also no laughing matter (unless you see someone else get hit there, then you can respectfully chuckle). But with every sunny day there is at least one cloud in the sky, right?

To my fellow brothers I declare, being a man is reason enough to drop to your knees and say, “Thank you Lord!” In manhood, we don’t have to deal with all those emotions and issues that our lady counterparts experience everyday. I’m just glad that the only pads I have to use are in football.

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