Torturing the Tutor....On a field trip

November 22, 2012
Once upon a time, because after all, all fairytales start with once upon a time. So, once upon a time, there was a princess who was extremely sarcastic, and like everyone else in the world, slightly mentally unstable. She also had a tutor since all princesses have tutors. The tutor also had some weird obsessions with microscopes….and biology….and strangely enough magic. Like seriously. Who studies magic anymore? No one, that’s who. Anyway. So one day, the tutor decided that the princess needed to actually learn something that involved two of his greatest loves: biology and microscopes. Which meant FIELD TRIPS!
They decided that they should start off with picking a random place on the map. The tutor threw a dart at a map, and it landed on Italy. And since cork oak trees are abundant in Italy, it was agreed that learning about cork and other plants would be a good place to start. Well, the tutor agreed. The princess just rolled her eyes and filed her nails. So, their journey started in Italy.
“Ladiladida,” the tutor hummed cheerfully under his breath. The princess glared at him balefully.
“Shut up,” she growled. The tutor quailed, and looked around desperately for a way to distract the princess. He spotted a cork oak tree standing three feet in front of them. Oh. How convenient.
“Oh look, we’re here!” the tutor exclaimed nervously, glancing at the princess every five seconds to make sure she had no murderous intentions in mind. He quickly whipped out a microscope out of nowhere.
“Really? Again with the microscopes and the magic?” the princess asked, arching an eyebrow.
“Ermm yeah?”
“Oh, okay then.”

The tutor blinked in surprise at her easy acquiesce, but shrugged and began to set up the microscope. The princess picked up a piece of cork, and the tutor managed to magic it into slide form so the piece could be studied under the microscope. And it worked.
“It looks like bloody tissue,” the princess deadpanned.
“Huh? Oh yeah it’s supposed to look like that,” the tutor mumbled distractedly, petting and cooing at his microscope.
The princess just sighed and refrained from hitting her head against a tree. ‘I can fire him once this trip is over,’ she consoled herself silently. ‘I’ll hire someone who’s…less weird and obsessed with microscopes.”

The princess decided to distract herself from the creepy image of her tutor hugging the microscope, that he had suddenly named Sally, by being proactive and did some additional research on cork too.
“We’re researching onions next,” the tutor informed the princess.
“Ugh…so where are we going then?”
“And how do you propose we get there, oh smart one?” the princess responded sarcastically.
“Magic.” And they disappeared in a storm of pink and purple sparkles.
They landed in southern Idaho.
“You. Are. Never. Doing. That. To. Me. Ever. Again.” The princess ground out, glowering at the tutor who had someone managed to land on his feet.
“Never. Again.”
“Alright…” the tutor sulked.

They walked along the edge of the dirt road that surrounded the following farms. The princess spotted a slew of onions among the side of the road, and began tossing them at the back of the tutor’s head.
“OW!” the tutor screamed. Then he looked to see what hit him. It was an onion! “Yes! This makes life so much easier! But where did this come from…?” His eyes drifted to the princess who was contriving to look innocent, who was just dropping the pile of onions at her feet. The tutor just resigned himself to more torture along the trip. The princess prepared the slide and let the tutor focus the image.
The princess peered back into the microscope and said bluntly, “Yeah, this is boring. Can we leave now? And no magic. We’re taking a plane this time.”
The two got off a plane that landed in Australia.
“So what are we doing here?” The princess asked, actually intrigued for once in her life.
“Human blood and cheek cells,” the tutor said sighing. He was still slightly tired from the long plane ride.
“Oh. That’s easy. She tackled him in the middle of the parking lot and swabbed the inside of his mouth and prepared the slide. She shoved the slide at him and waited for him to focus the microscope for her. She peered into it as the tutor pouted over his bloody knees. “Oh look. It’s blobby. You know what? I think I’m going to name the next blob I see Bob. Bob the Blobby Blob.”
“Be quiet. Your insanity is showing itself.”
“Oh. Right. Sorry about that.”
The tutor silently wiped the slide clean of cheek cells and prepared it with his blood instead. He focused the image and handed the microscope off to the princess.
“Thanks,” she accepted. “Hey your blood’s ugly.” The tutor suppressed an angry scream.
They got on yet another plane to explore England. Once there, they decided to have lunch. At the café, there was a moldy breadstick among the rest of the breadsticks. The princess was about to throw it away when the tutor snatched it out of her hand and somehow managed to prepare the slide and shove it under the microscope in five seconds. Magic. Obviously.
The princess snatched the microscope from the tutor, and smirked at the image. “Funky,” was her only remark.
When they arrived at the hotel the princess passed by a billboard that excessively praised the beauty of Brazil.
“Hey, can we go there?” The princess asked pleadingly, looking up at the tutor with huge eyes.
The tutor wavered… “Um…okay.” He gave in.
“Awesome!” the princess cheered. “Let’s go!”
They got off the plane and drove toward to the nearest lake. Smirking evilly, the princess edged behind the tutor and shoved him in the water. He came up spluttering through a mouthful of elodea.
“Aww, how sweet,” the princess cooed mockingly. “You volunteered to get the plant for us.”
The tutor growled angrily, but began putting everything together so the princess would be able to look at the image. ‘The things I do,’ he thought morosely.
“Nice…jail cells,” the princess whistled appreciatively as she looked through the microscope.
“Hey, what do you think you’re doing here?!?” a voice shouted behind them. Apparently, they were trespassing on private property. The princess backed away, and grabbed the tutor, who was gibbering in fright.
“Magic us somewhere else!” The princess commanded him.
“But you told me to never to that to you again…”
“These are extenuating circumstances. DO IT!”
And then, in a flash of pink and purple sparkles, they were gone.

They landed in Beijing.
“Why, in the name of all that is holy, are you still using pink sparkles?” the princess asked glowering. She HATED pink.
“Hey, it’s not like it’s something I can change. Do you think I want to be seen as feminine?” the tutor protested.
The princess just raised an eyebrow and purposely looked him up and down.
“Hey!” the tutor exclaimed affronted.
The princess just sighed and asked, “Well, what are we doing in Beijing anyway?”
“Heh. I don’t know actually. It was the first place I thought of. But you know what, now that we’re here, go find a tapeworm.”
“Never mind. I’ll do it myself.”
After spending some time watching the tutor making a fool out of himself (by running after animals to see if they had tapeworms), the princess sighed and walked into a vet clinic across the street. She just so happened to spot a dog that was having a tapeworm removed, and just grabbed the tapeworm and walked back out. The vet stared at her retreating back with a bemused expression.

“Here,” the princess said, shoving the tapeworm at the tutor’s chest. “Stop embarrassing yourself and use this.”
“Hey where’d you get this?” the tutor asked dumbfounded. The princess just jabbed a finger in the general direction of the vet clinic. The tutor flushed in mortification and quickly began to prepare the specimen, and focused it. He peered into the microscope. “Hey do you want to—”
“No.” the princess replied flatly.
“I said no.”

They returned home to France by ship. On the way back to the castle, the tutor spotted a frog. He began chasing after it and managed to catch it after ten minutes of running around.
“What’s that for?” the princess asked rudely.
“Just thought you’d like to see what frog blood looked like.”
“Fine. Whatever.”
The tutor began focusing the image.
“Dude, are you done yet?” the princess asked bored.
“Well excuse me. Focusing this takes a delicate hand and perfect under—“
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” the princess shoved the tutor out of the way and began fiddling with the knobs on the side for a few seconds. “There. Done.” The princess backed away from the microscope and let the tutor check her work. It was perfect.
“Bu-but—what?” the tutor spluttered in surprise.
“I’m just amazing,” the princess said smugly. “So much more amazing than you are.” She stuck her tongue out at him.
“You know what? The tutor said exasperated. “I give up. I quit. Going on this trip with you has been absolute torture. I want nothing more to do with you.”
“That’s fine. I was going to fire you once the trip was over anyway.”
“See ya,” the princess called out before cackling madly while sprinting away from the gob smacked ex-tutor.
The tutor shook out of his daze. “GET BACK HERE YOU LITTLE—!”

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